Spookies

half spam half amazin'

Merhaba palyaçolar!

As I’ve mentioned plenty of times, I’m not really much of a baker. Davida and I generally aren’t huge sweets people. We enjoy a pastry now and then, but if I make anything dessert-like, we’ll have one serving and immediately let the rest sit around for weeks until it gets moldy. Then we cry, have a funeral for it, and bury it in the backyard. So you’ll rarely ever see shit like brownies or cake in our kitchen. (I eat plenty of cat food, though.)

You know I will make exceptions if the sweets are something real dumb. Which is why this week, I put on my apron (and nothing else) to bake something special. A bunch of people kept sending me a viral tweet that contained a photo of some unusual-looking chocolate chip cookies:

fucked up looking food @fuckedupfoods

cookies with a spam filling (spookies)

These weren’t just any chocolate chip cookies, these were spookies, aka Spam-filled cookies.

I’m a big fan of canned meat and have used Spam plenty of times for the newsletter. I made a latte with it once, and recreated a McDonald’s China Spam and Oreo sandwich too. And, as you know, I, Dannis Ree, am a true man of the people. I listen to your demands, respect your wishes, and succumb to peer pressure easily. I wouldn’t break my general baking aversion for just any cookie.

I’d do it for a really dumb-looking meme cookie, science, shameless attention, and pursuit of the greater good.

I made my cookie dough from scratch by buying it pre-made from the store.

Do not think too deeply about that previous sentence.

Then, I popped open the can of Spam (the cats went bonkers over the smell, as they have an exquisite sense of taste), and shaved off a few slices.

I figured I’d pan-fry at least one slice, because as every food writer must proclaim, caramelization equals flavor.

Try telling this to every stranger you meet. They will break into applause, and you’ll suddenly become an influencer. I’d previously have joked that you’d get a TV show, but things are different these days. Nobody watches TV. Instead, you will blow up on TikTok and you will be forced to say that everything you eat is “bussin’” despite not exactly knowing what that means.

If that sounds like living hell, that’s because it is.

Toll House cookie dough is amazing.

Despite the fact that it comes in cubes, it bakes off into circles. If that isn’t food technology at its best, I don’t know what is.

I tried making spookies multiple ways.

The first one was in sandwich form. I wanted to see if the top part of the cookie dough would expand in the heat of the oven and naturally create a turtle-like shell for the delicious canned meat. If that sounds like the logic of a child, that’s probably because it is.

The second spookie involved a little more work.

I squished two whole cubes of cookie dough into flat pancakes using an extraordinary amount of violence. Forget about cooking with love. I cook with vengeance.

I layered one with Spam, placed the other half on top, formed the dough a little, and created a sort of Spam-cookie dumpling out of the whole thing.

The result was a cute little ball of cookie dough with a somewhat obscene surprise in the center.

The third spookie I created was just a single dough cube halved down the middle, then formed around a slice of un-caramelized Spam.

It was much smaller and cuter, so I adopted it and named it Taco Bell (no relation to the restaurant). Then I shoved Taco Bell into the oven with the other dough balls, to incubate into its final form.

The final product was three very different-looking cookies, each of them special in their own way.

I’ll cut to the chase; they all tasted exactly the same.

Whether or it was a caramelized or uncaramelized Spam slice, more dough, less dough, each bite was relatively similar from all three cookies. But guess what? Spookies are really fuckin’ good. I’m not entirely surprised considering the salty, sweet, and oily combination (Spam isn’t light, neither are chocolate chip cookies) is typically a winner, but I didn’t think they’d be that good, as much as I wanted to hate them for being some dumb viral internet shit.

Davida, who wasn’t entirely interested in trying the spookies but bit into one anyway, said, “This rules! It’s because Spam rules.”

She’s not wrong. Spam rules, therefore spookies rule. They’re bussin’.

Now where’s my goddamn TikTok money?

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If you don’t believe me, try making some spookies for yourselves; they’re good, even if you don’t believe my ass. And don’t forget to share this shit on social media, forward it to your friends, family, and the food police:

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I write subscriber-only stuff multiple times a month, so don’t miss out!

I’m thinking about giving the discussion thread function on Substack a shot at some point if you guys would all like to chat with me. Talking to you guys always makes my day.

As always, I love you all. Also, I had diarrhea this morning.

(And hey, Eli, Kimmi asked me to give you a shout out. Hello!)