I made that weird Spam and Oreo burger
just a few more days, everyone
Happy holidays, dickholes!
Here comes the new year. Thank God. It’s less that I’m necessarily looking forward to it and more that I need to look forward to something, otherwise I’ll go bananas.
I realize that I’ve been curiously absent for a few weeks, but a small vacation from writing has been nice and necessary. Instead of sitting on my sweaty ass in the office chair, I moved that same sweaty ass to the couch, where I plowed through video games. Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order is done (one of the buggiest games I’ve every played), I flew through Control, and now I’ve started Mass Effect: Andromeda.
My goal in each of these games is to shoot every bad guy in the balls and/or ass. Do the James Beard Awards have a “writing about shooting bad guys in the balls and/or ass video game” category? Because I have now won that award.
Food, in the meantime, continues to be nice and stupid. McDonald’s in China had the right idea, last week.
I have confirmed this is real.
It is a Spam burger (well, more like sandwich) topped with Oreos and mayonnaise. While I think this idea is hilarious, what I think is more hilarious is that somehow, somebody, somewhere, was able to convince a bunch of executives that this was a good idea. Guess what, assholes, it’s a terrific idea.
I muttered to myself, while plugging in my brand new Amazon Echo Dot, and said, “Dannis Ree, China has something we don’t have, which is a cookie and Spam sandwich. You must make this, document it, and share it with the world, as you do in your role as the greatest food writer in all of history.” I looked at Harvey, Mr. Bee, and Pepper, and we all nodded in unison.
Then I said, “Alexa, please play Accidental Racist.”
The robot Alexa complied. Davida said, “I don’t think I can handle this.”
Later I asked Alexa to tell me a joke. It was a poo joke. I couldn’t believe it.
As I mentioned earlier, this sandwich is an easy one to make.
It’s just Spam, Oreos, and mayonnaise, all on a sesame seed bun. I always get the 25% less sodium variety, because the high-octane shit has so much salt in it you’ll actually swell up into a water balloon full of blood.
Also, the 25% less sodium tastes better. That way you can really taste those nitrites.
Here is the key detail in the Spam burger: If you look closely in the promotional photo, there’s no creme filling involved.
This is an interesting choice. The creme filling is known as a worldwide delicacy. Wars have been started, mainly among children, over this sugary, white, saturated fat-filled puck.
Our family has a leaning towards Type 2 diabetes, so I generally avoid sweets, but I wanted to go for the gold today and develop Triabetes. So I removed the filling from a bunch of cookies, made a single super cookie, and ate it. I felt a surge of power flow through my veins and I temporarily became immortal.
Enjoying the massive surge of power within me, I coarsely chopped up the cookies.
If you wish to chop up Oreos, please note that they like to fly everywhere while you are cutting them up. Make sure you are wearing eye protection, like a condom, over your head.
While Spam is just fine straight out of the can, it really only has a mushy texture.
After looking at the promotional photo, I thought I saw a little bit of browning on the slices, meaning they’d been griddled in some fashion. When pan-fried, Spam becomes a new food altogether. All hail Spam.
You don’t even need extra oil to fry Spam, it fries itself.
Spam is a perfect food. You cannot argue with this. A can of cold cat food is the next best thing, try it, you’ll love it!
The best thing to do with the remainder is to toast bread in it (or fry eggs in it, as I often like to do).
Spam, please sponsor my lifestyle. Make a face mask that has enough space for an entire loaf of Spam, so I can chew on it while I’m out socially distancing in a park or something. Also, make it a transparent mask so everyone can see the true magic happening beneath it.
The build of the sandwich, otherwise, is easy enough.
Bun, meat, cookie gravel, and mayo.
I have never put cookies on a sandwich before.
In fact, I do not think I’ve ever eaten cookies with meat at the same time. McDonald’s is really onto something.
Here’s the fun part: The mayo.
You need Kewpie mayo in your life. If you do not have delicious, eggy, Kewpie mayo in your household right now, you must get it. After that, you must talk about how superior it is to American mayo for two weeks straight. Then you will be heralded as a Japanese culinary ambassador and you will be awarded with a lot of high-fives from the food writing community and you will be accepted into our secret circles. A really good thing to do afterwards is claim you invented Japanese mayo and open up a Japanese mayo-only restaurant and you will win all the culinary awards in the entire universe. This is a solid plan. Nothing can go wrong.
Anyway, I never thought I’d be putting mayo on cookies during my lifetime, so there’s a lot of new frontiers being reached with this interesting sandwich.
I made a face, gritted my teeth, then took an enormous bite of the Spam and Oreo sandwich.
I curiously finished a mouthful. Then I tilted my head, and looked curiously at the sandwich again. Then I took another giant bite. I said, “Hey babe, come here, you need to come try this.”
Davida said, “What, really? Is it gross?” She came over and took a big bite and looked at me, her eyes turning into big circles. “This is awesome!” She had another bite. And another.
What the fuck. Sure, I was expecting that whole sweet and salty thing, but why was this so good? Yes, it was sweet, but not overly so, and yes, it was salty, in a manageable way. It was pretty rich with the mayo, yet somehow the mayo and cookies weren’t a bad combination. There are some things in this world I will never understand, like why this sandwich was so good. I will also never understand Sea Monkeys, the world’s only instant pet.
My life has been forever changed, in a good way, and finally, this goddamn year is coming to a close.
I’m serious, if you have these ingredients laying around the house, I highly recommend you try it. If you could do me a favor and share this newsletter all over Twitter and Facebook, that would really make my day:
Friday, yes, the first of the New Year, we’ll have a paid-only subscriber piece. It's a taste test of two strange beers (one is brewed with lobster, ugh). Your subscriptions keep this newsletter going; the Spam and Oreos don’t buy themselves! Also that lobster beer was like $20.
And, as a last note, I want to congratulate each and every one of you for getting through this year in one piece. It’s been scary in so many ways, stressful, and full of innumerable losses. But you did it.
You’re here with me. So when we hit midnight on the last day of this year, you bet I’ll be raising my glass of something bubbly to you.
How confident are we the sandwich in China doesn't have the puck blitzed into the mayo though? Is it mayo? Maybe it's just puck creme thinned with oils?