Nog Eggs

it's a deviled christmas

Hi, clowns!

Today’s edition of Food is Stupid is the last one to close out the year. Just because we’re gearing up to spend the holidays with our families, you know, that old roasted pair of chestnuts. May your winter break be hairy, merry, and bright!

In the giving spirit, I’m putting up a 20% off coupon that’ll be good through the very end of the year, December 31.

It’ll apply that discount for a full year (to both monthly and annual subscriptions), and if you already have an existing subscription, it should add on an additional year at the discounted amount.

Also, I figured if any of you want to binge the archives while we’re on hiatus, now’s as good a time as any. Might as well sneak away from the family arguments to read about the sandwich I once designed to hurt us in multiple ways, if you haven’t already.

Speaking of the holidays, today’s installment of the newsletter was actually inspired by our niece, Aryssa, who lives up in Wisconsin. She suggested I combine two very delightful things people enjoy during winter gatherings, deviled eggs and egg nog. What’s even better is that I fucking love both of these things. If I’m left alone in front of a deviled egg platter, you can all but guarantee I will eat at least six of them, then wash them down with a healthy gulp of nog. (Cue the extinction level farts.)

I’ve recently been on quite a drink kick, having recently made elattes (aka, the elotes latte), and the strangely accurate shrimp cocktail (the shrimp cocktail cocktail), so I figured I’d go the opposite way this time. I’d take a classic winter drink, and reinterpret it into a delicious egg snack.

All hail the immaculate conception of the Nog Egg!

Eggnog’s base is traditionally made of warmed milk, egg yolks, and sugar, basically making it a drinkable custard.

To me, eggnog’s main flavor is defined by a few key spices, like cloves, nutmeg, and cinnamon. It’s sort of pumpkin spice, but less nasty somehow.

First off, you’ve just witnessed a goddamn Christmas miracle!

I managed to peel all my hard boiled eggs without ripping into a single one of them. In fact, the shells just slid right off. I don’t remember the last time that’s happened. The surface of these things were as smooth as my hairless Korean buttcheeks. Wanna see?

[“…and that’s how I got permanently banned from Substack,” I’ll tell my grandkids someday.]

I split the eggs in half, tossing the yolks inside my immersion blender’s food processor attachment.

This thing’s seen so much shit now. Frankly, so have you guys.

Then I added in granulated sugar, a few drops of vanilla extract, and a dusting of ground cloves and ground cinnamon, just to get into the holiday spirit.

Davida threatened to put on the soothing sounds of Rob Halford’s Christmas album to get me really going, but based off the expression on my face, she eventually decided against it.

Normally I prefer my eggnog as-is, but let’s be real, 2025’s been sort of a trying year for all of us.

So I added in a splash of whiskey, because if I wanted to catch a buzz, I’d want to do it through eating weird deviled eggs. Imagine explaining that one to the cops as you puke up a dozen eggs in the back of their cruiser.

Then I added a big spoonful of the ingredient that turns deviled eggs into the delicious treat they are, mayonnaise.

Mayonnaise is essentially a touch more egg, and a bunch of added fat. It’s also the one ingredient I (ab)use that often gets a bunch of you guys riled up. Imagine yourselves filling an entire pint glass with it, jabbing it with a straw, and drinking it outside on a hot summer day. In Florida. To follow up your boozy deviled eggs.

Finally, I added just a splash of heavy cream to lean into that whole custard thing.

I figured a Nog Egg has to have at least a little bit of dairy in it, even if deviled eggs don’t generally include it. Gotta kickstart those egg farts with a bit of lactose ones. It’s like tinder for a really stinky fire.

After I ran the food processor, I could tell the Nog Egg filling was a little too thin, based off the way the liquid splashed all the way up the sides of the container.

Good thing I had a few extra emergency eggs on hand, just to be safe.

I was originally going to shove those eggs up my ass, but as the greatest food writer in all of history, I must often make sacrifices upon your behalf. I peeled open the two extra eggs, tossed those yolks in the food processor, and gave them another rip. This result was a lot better.

I scraped the sweet yolk mixture into a Ziploc bag, managed to get some of it all over the top and my fingers, and put it in the fridge for a while to set up.

Once the mixture firmed up a bit, I took the bag out of the refrigerator, snipped one corner (I call this “Daddy’s Pastry Trick”), and started piping the Nog Egg mixture into the emptied egg white halves.

But to give it that definitive eggnog flavor, I dusted the top of each with a sprinkle of nutmeg.

I feel like that’s the real kicker to eggnog, the nutmeg on top. It’s gotta be there. Otherwise your life is over.

And now it was time to put the Nog Egg to the taste test.

I took one bite and was immediately kicked in the teeth with the whiskey (mostly the alcohol), which was hilarious. Like, I’ve never eaten an egg that kinda burned my gums a little. And slowly but surely, that eggnog flavor started to come through as the sweetness blossomed, with the cloves, cinnamon, and nutmeg opening up as I kept chewing. I immediately started laughing.

Davida, who was in the other room, didn’t look too excited. But I waved her over anyway, and insisted she try one. As soon as she started eating hers, she made a face, indicating that the booze was strong. But shortly after that, her eyes widened. And then she turned and gave me a wordless high-five.

I guess we’re ending the year on an unfortunate high note, huh? Though you guys generally hate when I’m not on the floor, rolling around screaming, this one surprised me. Like, I thought there was a decent chance it’d be palatable, but Davida said that the Nog Egg was something I could even serve at a party. Well, maybe a key party for degenerates.

But that’s what Food is Stupid is, anyway. I started the year cooking from one of the best cookbooks I’ve ever seen, sous vided sausages in condoms, and even goaded a buddy into eating like me and filming an incredible video about it. You clowns were with me all the way. And even though 2025 was rough in a lot of regards, writing for you is, and always will be, a bright spot for me every week.

So I’m raising a Nog Egg to all of you (try this concept at home if you’re bored!), have a happy and safe holiday, and think of us and the beady-eyed stuffed animal gang when your partner’s family’s serves you their famous jizzy grapes.

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Ho, ho, holy shit, Nog Eggs. Thanks for the inspiration, Aryssa. Psst. Don’t forget to share the newsletter one last time for me this year:

And don’t forget to cash in on this 20% off coupon, remember, it’s good through the end of the year.

Normally I don’t let coupons run for that long, but hey, I feel like you guys all need it. Plus, any support you guys can give Food is Stupid is always appreciated — I am pretty sure I’d be lost without you all.

Okay, everyone, be safe. May Rudolph not take a dump on your roof, and leave an egg out for Santa this year. As always, I love you all, and I’ll hop back into your inboxes in early January.