In the nearly 10 years I’ve been ruining food for everyone, starting from my former award-winning blog, The Pizzle(which I initially started to drive my food writing career off a cliff), I’ve never done a proper question and answer session.
And at this point, I’m sure all of you have plenty of things to ask me. Like mainly, “How are you still alive?”
So ask me anything: I’ll try to respond to all of you throughout the week. This ought to be good, so make sure you check back in on the conversation regularly.
[Also, that photo above was from when I got a new countertop oven and wanted to try baking a frozen pizza in it. If you believe in yourself enough, you can fail at anything, kids.]
Once when I was very very drunk I put a Home Run Inn pizza in the oven. I cooked it at 450 for 20 mins...upside down. It was like a hockey puck so I didn't notice which side was cheese. (See first sentence). It ruined my oven and the rack. I challenge you to fail harder than that. I believe in you.
My uncle once baked a frozen pizza with the cardboard still underneath. Then we ate it, even though it was horrible. We didn’t really have any other options at the moment.
If you could try cannibalism in a context where it was totally legal and consensual (according to the person’s will, for instance, or following a medical amputation), would you seriously consider it? And would your answer differ if a) it was your own leg, or b) it was lab-grown human meat?
We're currently playing Elden Ring together and our character's name is Arsenio Hall. It's so so so so hard and we made our character extremely stupid, but very very strong and we only know how to do a few things even through 80 hours of playing. We can't even figure out the plot at all.
I've recently played Pentiment (which was good) and the DLC for Outer Wilds, which is one of my favorite games of all time, but it's an unusual game. We also used to play Mortal Kombat a bunch online but only to troll people a little bit!
Mostly Xbox One, Davida also plays Animal Crossing on her Switch.
Well, it's been the same childish sense of humor my entire life...but the difference is that I stopped caring about what people think. Food writing peers, potential employers, doesn't matter. I guess being free about it has made me kind of an outlier.
I had a small racist moment today! I'm pretty new to the sub and I love it. I followed you on instagram like a month ago, and you posted pictures of you hanging out with Kenji a couple of days ago eating pizza. I saw it and thought neat, what is Kenji up too (without actually reading the post)? Then I saw that you posted it and immediately I was like in my head "That's Dennis Lee you racist fuck, stereotyping all asian look a like, you need to pay better attention", cause I don't really know what you look like.... and then it was literally a picture you took of Kenji without you in the picture. Which made me feel better.
Has something from pop culture affected something you’ve eaten your whole life? For instance, the way I eat pancakes has been forever changed by the Amazon Prime series “Bosch”, of all things. Pour syrup on the plate then put the pancakes on top. No more dry bottom pancake. Anything like that, the more obscure the better?
I have always wanted to visit a Sizzler to try its buffet. I hear it's terrible but come on, buffets are awesome. And part of me wants to try casu martzu but I'm not sure I can eat living worms.
Baconfest is no longer a thing, but I have judged sort of a lot of local/national competitions. Most recently a pizza one just last year. Others included a cheffy ramen showdown, dumplings, mac and cheese, and probably way more that I've forgotten about.
Do you ever sing popular food-related songs to yourself as you cook, either these experiments or just your everyday? Like, I just sang a snippet of Adam Sandler’ as “Lunchlady Land” while prepping post-shift hot dogs because the buns are labeled as hoagie rolls.
I'm sure I have, but nothing specific comes to mind when it comes to eating weird stuff as a kid on a dare or for money. I appear to be making up for it as an adult.
And yes, some ideas are really duds right out of the gate. One time I thought it'd be funny to try and do a serious critique of the Hoots wings place near us once it opened (it's Hooter's counter service chain that's much more...family friendly). The longer I thought about it the dumber the idea felt so I killed it. Then there were probably some ideas that were dicey enough healthwise or bordering on Jackass type stunts that I'm not sure I'd be happy about.
For example, my friend Joe suggested he and I brush our teeth with ghost pepper powder. I laughed so hard and seriously considered it until I realized how awful it'd be if the stuff got stuck in my gums.
Have you heard of or seen @_butter_dawg_ on Tiktok? He recently just posted a pizzle pretzel, otherwise known as "prizzle". https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRpK6anR/
On a side note, my friends and I are college students and have been reading your posts on The Pizzle for the past week after disgusting dinners at the dining hall. They make for great bedtime stories. Just wanted to let you know I have not laughed this hard in months and seeing my friends enjoy your writing style makes the experience even better. Seriously, thank you for ruining food, it makes our night.
Is this guy steppin' on my shit? Wait, that came out wrong.
I'm so glad I can make reading about food fun for you. I went to the University of Illinois and sometimes those cafeteria meals were not very good, but weirdly, I miss them all the time now.
So one fun thing from The Pizzle is that a film student once contacted me to ask me if it was okay to use an entire piece as part of a video application to get into film school. He created a short film and was accepted. I'd never actually heard anyone read my stuff out aloud before and I was sort of shocked. Try reading some pieces to each other out loud and see what happens.
I do sometimes! I like a weird mix of music, but one of my favorite genres is drum 'n bass, which nobody listens to anymore. Davida makes fun of me for it but she is starting to love it now too. Otherwise it's a bunch of electronic (not so much EDM, but all sorts of things), indie, rap, and random cheesy stuff.
I think maybe my "Chicago Death Wish" pizza that was just ketchup and hot dogs was pretty bad. Everyone got mad at me for making it because the area by the oven smelled terrible once I pulled it out.
We never served this one since it was for fun, but one time I made a pizza using an Arby's Beef 'n Cheddar sandwich (with liquid cheese as the sauce) and added curly fries, Arby's sauce, and Horsey sauce on top. I wish I had one of those right now.
Have you ever thought about putting together a cookbook? I've seen lots of novelty cookbooks and they are mostly by and for cowards. They fake things, they half-ass things, they take "gross" ideas and make things that are actually palatable. The idea of a novelty cookbook that *isn't* full of such cowardice is something I at least would find very appealing - a book full of recipes that make me go "well I guess that is technically edible"
I've been approached about this before. So...apparently the thing is, funny is one thing, but people generally won't buy a cookbook unless it's useful for them. If I write a bomb, then I will never be asked to do anything ever again.
I have been struggling to find a way to write a cookbook that is useful AND gross since they negate each other and create a net sum of zero (or is a negative sum). Maybe I should take up a more useful hobby, like amateur surgery instead.
How about a combo cookbook. Like a terrible recipe followed by something it inspired that was really different and tastes. somewhere between ok and great!
I think my proudest food-related moment is also my biggest shame. For my old blog I snuck raw meat into a Korean barbecue restaurant once to see if I could get away with it.
To start with, that is wildly against health code. Second of all, that took away business I should have given the family owned place. But thirdly, I SNUCK RAW MEAT INTO A RESTAURANT AND HOW IS THAT NOT FUNNY.
I really loved the "Tell me about your weird family recipe" issue and need more stories about Aunt Judith. (I also had an Aunt Judith but I think it was a different one, pretty sure they were different.)
What recipes from your family would you have submitted, if any?
Also did the IKEA people ever reach out? Because I still think about those IKEA bowls all the time.
@jarathen I believe was the person who had the Aunt Judith!
My mom loves this one taco dip that involves blitzed up cottage cheese as the base, and I used to eat it happily whenever she made it, but the longer I think about it, the more I hate it. But I still love it. Does that make sense?
Has anyone ever had a disproportionately angry reaction to your food? More than just, "This looks gross" or "It upsets me to look at this". I'm curious whether everyone is in on the jokes or if any readers are reading much too seriously.
People will get mad at my food on social media sometimes without having read the piece. Someone yelled at me about the ketchup carbonara thing after reading the subject line, which made me laugh my ass off.
So far nobody has gotten very angry about anything, strangely, though a few astute people have noticed the perfectly good food I've wasted sometimes, which is something I'm trying to cut down on. But in food writing and recipe development, food waste is inevitable. You're going to make a bunch of shitty food before you get to the good stuff. Too bad all my stuff is shitty.
I do think that some writers who take themselves too seriously look at my stuff and wonder why people like it, but that's because they're haters. I EMBRACE MY HATERS ANYWAY.
Two things come to mind for the worst: The crystal gravy experiment for this newsletter, and for my former blog, The Pizzle, I'd tried making empanadas out of Play Doh. Play Doh is technically non-toxic, but it has a lot of salt in it for antibacterial properties along with borax and weird fragrance.
After I took my first bite of the Play Doh I thought I might have actually gone too far. I felt sick for the rest of the day.
Working in a restaurant, I sometimes have anxiety dreams about failing to do my job. Do you have anxiety dreams about finding a weird enough food? Have your dreams ever provided inspiration for food experiments? Are you dreaming right now?
I am in fact dreaming right now. I also sometimes have dreams about working in a restaurant again and I do not particularly like them.
As to dreams, I am generally not someone who remembers them for long after I wake up, plus I don't usually dream about food. But a few nights ago I dreamt about the video game Elden Ring since we've been playing it a lot. I guess that isn't food. So I guess no?!
Davida and I like Impossible for burger replacement. We were eating it fairly regularly for a while, but real meat is so much cheaper, unfortunately, and it still tastes better.
For my day job at The Takeout I am pitched often by companies trying to raise public awareness around lab-grown or lab-cultured meat, but I really have to taste it myself someday to decide how I'll feel. There's none currently available to the public. But if I do try it, I am pretty sure I'll do something absolutely horrendous with it and get banned from purchasing it ever again.
TikTok really messes with my head. It's so rapid-fire that I feel like I can't concentrate on anything after I watch a video. I understand its appeal but I also hate it.
As to those review videos, I can't say I watch enough of them to form an opinion, but there's so much video content that's straight up plagiarized, made-up, wrong, or faked that it's hard to trust anything anymore. So I just stick to writing my own internet garbage that's ruining people's brains in my own way.
Big fan of Jacques Pepin's "Fast Food My Way" series. They're genius, super super easy to cook from, and don't require expensive ingredients. My friends are some really talented cookbook authors; Gary Wiviott's Low and Slow BBQ books are awesome, Leela Punyaratabandhu's Thai books are fucking beautiful, Kenji's stuff is always great, ahhhhh there's too many to mention!
I have been approached a few times to write a book, but unfortunately I'd have to stop writing the newsletter in order to accomplish most of it. The idea scares me, plus everyone I've ever talked to has hated the book writing process...but man, how cool would that be? Why don't you write a book and I can talk about it on the newsletter!
What inspired you to do this blog? Literally why would you make Gatorade bread, etc.? (That's not even close to the grossest-seeming thing you've made, but Gatorade bread is how I first found this blog and it will never leave my brain. Gatorade. Bread. Bread made out of Gatorade.) I guess the question is more expansive than that, really: Why/how does your mind come up with these things? Did food personally hurt you as a child?
I started because I genuinely wanted to destroy my food writing career. I was so sick of the content, the people, everyone making their lives look super beautiful in order for you to feel bad (and validate themselves), I was upset that I'd never be able to afford fancy food, I was tired of all of it.
So I decided one day, fuck it, why not make fun of all of it, and if my career takes a shit, I could go do something more profitable, like start a Ponzi scheme or something! I started doing really dumb shit, and suddenly people STARTED TAKING NOTICE. I won some awards and suddenly publications were asking me to write for them seriously.
Though my original plan backfired, I'm still thinking of dumb shit to write about all day. Who knows, maybe I really will ruin my career. But I'll be laughing the whole way down.
I don't watch much of it, but I like Cowboy Bebop and Spirited Away is one of my favorite movies ever. Are there any cool new ones I should watch someday?
I'd highly recommend "Food Wars!: Shokugeki no Soma" for weird food inspiration! It's extremely absurd but also pretty factually correct with regards to food facts.
Do you ever feel compelled to take some of your weird-but-not-inedible monstrosities and edit then into weird-but-actually-this-is-delicious monstrosities?
Maybe im an irredemeable swamp goblin, but occassionally im like "you know, I'd eat it."
Some stuff turns out okay! In fact, I've seriously considered doing pop-ups where I sell some of the dumbest food I've made that actually turned out good to the public. Or I could retool some of the stuff that was almost okay into delicious food with the help of a chef.
Maybe THAT will be the name of the cookbook. "You know, I'd eat it." I'd dedicate it to you.
What is your recipe for real (Like a traditional wood fired pizza oven crust) pizza crust? Does it matter what flour is used? How long should the dough rest and raise?
So to be completely honest: I had no bearing on the recipe we made at work, and in fact, I didn't prep the dough at my former job. That was someone else's entire job.
BUT: It does matter what flour is used, if you want certain types of results. I know this is useless, but you have to decide which type of pizza you want to make first before you figure out what type of flour to use. 00 flour, which is super finely milled, for example, is perfect for Neapolitan style pizza or pasta making. But it won't work the same for another type.
As for resting/raising/proofing, that's also a whole different ball game also depending on the pizza. It is usually good to let the dough rest overnight in your fridge if not longer in order to develop some good flavor. I realize these answers are all very general and useless, so if you have specific questions, let me know!
This is my last question of the night (gotta get ready for bed). This is a toughie. I don't like when people are shitty to each other, so I think maybe I'd remove all restrictions on what people on SNAP (or any kind of assistance) can enjoy. I feel like those restrictions are pretty dehumanizing. Let's all enjoy what we eat, goddammit.
Anything that would seriously poison me, I guess. But that's loose. One time I taste tested a shitload of glue sticks (10 of them) and I survived, so...
I think my limit is cooking things like medicine. As much as I want to find a way to vape cough syrup or something I can't do that without potentially injuring myself permanently. Although that would be a pretty amazing reason to be hospitalized.
I'm leaching off the '10 proteins together' comment - but I live for the blog entry on your 'unique' take on a 'Turducken Fusion Feast'. Feel free to use the most outlandish species. I reference the 'Acclimation Society
During the 19th Century, one Britain’s most notorious bon vivants was Oxford professor Francis “Frank” Butland. An advocate of the belief that man was entitled to dominion over “all of God’s creatures”, Butland made it his life’s mission to eat as many different animals as possible. Thus, the “Acclimation Society” was born. Meals featured, among other things, boiled porpoise head, roasted giraffe necks and rhino pie.'
I believe I have access to somewhat unusual protein if I need it (nothing endangered, of course), so I'll have to think about this Frankenfucken thing for a while.
The man sounds like a colossal asshole. I hope he ate himself to death, by which I mean that I hope he ate parts of his own body until he could no longer sustain life.
I wasn't super picky, but as the kid of immigrant parents, I'd always want to fit in with all the kids I grew up with here in America. They'd eat stuff like meatloaf, we'd eat things like kimchi and various jjigaes (Korean stews), banchan, and I thought we were the weird ones since our food was so different.
I was a jerk to my mom about it as an adolescent and wanted to eat American food only, which obviously stressed her out. She told me that one weekend I went on a school trip (I vaguely remember this) and was forced to eat bland American food the whole time, and when I came home to my mom's cooking, I stopped complaining forever.
Generally no because I usually have a weird association with whatever I end up making later, but I do want to make Monster Pudding again. I have been thinking about it non-stop for a week for some reason. If I ever do a pop-up, that would be a component of a dessert.
All food stuff: First vid is a funny channel Davida and I watch called Report of the Week with this guy who reviews fast food. He's all dressed up for some reason, is very peculiar but in an endearing way, and just like...reviews shit from Wendy's or something. The 2nd video is something about Gordon Ramsay (who I dislike, but I can't beat the algorithm), and the third is a local Chicago YouTuber who talks about the city.
I think there was a pet food related one too that made me feel very sick. But the thing is, I've consumed so much pet food that I can't remember for the life of me what it might have been.
Honestly? I'd just do this newsletter twice a week and spend the rest of the time with friends and family (and travel on occasion).
So the Davida story: This deserves its own post someday. But for my former blog, I'd written about how a drunk driver crashed into my parked car and totaled it. Out of nowhere someone Paypalled me $20 to wish me well, and followed up with an email to make sure I'd gotten it. It was in fact, Davida.
I emailed her back, and we found ourselves emailing each other multiple times a day (she lived in Las Vegas at the time). Eventually that morphed into calling and texting each other a bunch, and one day I told her that if we didn't meet up someday, I was afraid our friendship would probably fade--and I didn't want that, so went out to visit her. As you can see, the rest is history.
I'll fast forward past the long-distance stuff, but hey: We've been engaged for a very long time (we're trying to get past that next very important step, aka, get wed), and we live together in a tiny apartment with our two terrible fucking cats, but we wouldn't have it any other way. It's pretty awesome.
Any insight on pizza without cheese? Is it still pizza or something else?
Once when I was very very drunk I put a Home Run Inn pizza in the oven. I cooked it at 450 for 20 mins...upside down. It was like a hockey puck so I didn't notice which side was cheese. (See first sentence). It ruined my oven and the rack. I challenge you to fail harder than that. I believe in you.
My uncle once baked a frozen pizza with the cardboard still underneath. Then we ate it, even though it was horrible. We didn’t really have any other options at the moment.
I'm so proud of you Coco! Also we apparently arrived at Elizabeth's party moments after you left... I WAS SO BUMMED
Thanks Dannis! Dammit....the world's pathways are so cruel sometimes.
If you could try cannibalism in a context where it was totally legal and consensual (according to the person’s will, for instance, or following a medical amputation), would you seriously consider it? And would your answer differ if a) it was your own leg, or b) it was lab-grown human meat?
This guy did it! Kind of amazingly too. I'd probably opt to do the lab grown version...just for my own mental well-being.
https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/bbc-presenter-greg-foot-films-himself-eating-his-own-leg_uk_56f10de9e4b0fbd4fe086d9e
Thank you. Amazing. And Greg "Foot" - like, he basically had to.
If you ever find yourself visiting the state of Texas in general, and Dallas in particular, will you look me up?
Of course!
What is the best decision you've made in your entire life?
Meeting up with Davida.
Awww 💕
What videogames do you play, if any? What platform or service do you use, if you do (PC/computer, Steam/Epic)?
We're currently playing Elden Ring together and our character's name is Arsenio Hall. It's so so so so hard and we made our character extremely stupid, but very very strong and we only know how to do a few things even through 80 hours of playing. We can't even figure out the plot at all.
I've recently played Pentiment (which was good) and the DLC for Outer Wilds, which is one of my favorite games of all time, but it's an unusual game. We also used to play Mortal Kombat a bunch online but only to troll people a little bit!
Mostly Xbox One, Davida also plays Animal Crossing on her Switch.
Elden Ring is truly The Game Ever.
I've wanted to play Pentiment for forever, and Outer Wilds looks amazing - sadly, I am very poor. Good luck in the Big Hard Video Game!
How would you say your sense of humor has developed / where did it come from?
Well, it's been the same childish sense of humor my entire life...but the difference is that I stopped caring about what people think. Food writing peers, potential employers, doesn't matter. I guess being free about it has made me kind of an outlier.
I had a small racist moment today! I'm pretty new to the sub and I love it. I followed you on instagram like a month ago, and you posted pictures of you hanging out with Kenji a couple of days ago eating pizza. I saw it and thought neat, what is Kenji up too (without actually reading the post)? Then I saw that you posted it and immediately I was like in my head "That's Dennis Lee you racist fuck, stereotyping all asian look a like, you need to pay better attention", cause I don't really know what you look like.... and then it was literally a picture you took of Kenji without you in the picture. Which made me feel better.
Anyway, What's the most racist thing you've done?
I'm obviously a living saint.
Has something from pop culture affected something you’ve eaten your whole life? For instance, the way I eat pancakes has been forever changed by the Amazon Prime series “Bosch”, of all things. Pour syrup on the plate then put the pancakes on top. No more dry bottom pancake. Anything like that, the more obscure the better?
There is a scene in Spirited Away where Chihiro cries while eating a rice ball. So rice balls make me sad.
Anything you haven’t eaten yet but want to try? (Good or bad)
I have always wanted to visit a Sizzler to try its buffet. I hear it's terrible but come on, buffets are awesome. And part of me wants to try casu martzu but I'm not sure I can eat living worms.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Casu_martzu
Have you ever been invited back to judge bacon? Have any other foods reached out to you and the gang for harsh but fair judgment?
Baconfest is no longer a thing, but I have judged sort of a lot of local/national competitions. Most recently a pizza one just last year. Others included a cheffy ramen showdown, dumplings, mac and cheese, and probably way more that I've forgotten about.
Des Moines is calling you, Dennis. Blue Ribbon Bacon Festival, 5/12-13.
I’m sad for Baconfest, but am happy that you are an in-demand celebrity judge! Here’s hoping I see you on Iron Chef or something one of these days.
He very politely didn’t answer me, so 12 is possibly the right one!
Do you ever sing popular food-related songs to yourself as you cook, either these experiments or just your everyday? Like, I just sang a snippet of Adam Sandler’ as “Lunchlady Land” while prepping post-shift hot dogs because the buns are labeled as hoagie rolls.
Sometimes Peaches by The Presidents Of The United States of America.
As a child did you ever eat weird shit for money or treats? If so, what? No shaming here, since I certainly did a bit.
Also has Davida, or anyone in your entourage, ever put the kibosh on ideas for FiS?
I'm sure I have, but nothing specific comes to mind when it comes to eating weird stuff as a kid on a dare or for money. I appear to be making up for it as an adult.
And yes, some ideas are really duds right out of the gate. One time I thought it'd be funny to try and do a serious critique of the Hoots wings place near us once it opened (it's Hooter's counter service chain that's much more...family friendly). The longer I thought about it the dumber the idea felt so I killed it. Then there were probably some ideas that were dicey enough healthwise or bordering on Jackass type stunts that I'm not sure I'd be happy about.
For example, my friend Joe suggested he and I brush our teeth with ghost pepper powder. I laughed so hard and seriously considered it until I realized how awful it'd be if the stuff got stuck in my gums.
Haha, yessss. This is the good stuff.
You would rip your teeth out and scratch your gums with coarse sandpaper.
What is the biggest number you can think of?
(I actually got to ask the Dalai Lama this, so if your answer tallies with his, you may be special.)
12. I saw him speak once too but did not talk to him.
Have you heard of or seen @_butter_dawg_ on Tiktok? He recently just posted a pizzle pretzel, otherwise known as "prizzle". https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRpK6anR/
On a side note, my friends and I are college students and have been reading your posts on The Pizzle for the past week after disgusting dinners at the dining hall. They make for great bedtime stories. Just wanted to let you know I have not laughed this hard in months and seeing my friends enjoy your writing style makes the experience even better. Seriously, thank you for ruining food, it makes our night.
Is this guy steppin' on my shit? Wait, that came out wrong.
I'm so glad I can make reading about food fun for you. I went to the University of Illinois and sometimes those cafeteria meals were not very good, but weirdly, I miss them all the time now.
So one fun thing from The Pizzle is that a film student once contacted me to ask me if it was okay to use an entire piece as part of a video application to get into film school. He created a short film and was accepted. I'd never actually heard anyone read my stuff out aloud before and I was sort of shocked. Try reading some pieces to each other out loud and see what happens.
Do you play music while cooking? If yes, what kind gets your meat juices flowing?
I do sometimes! I like a weird mix of music, but one of my favorite genres is drum 'n bass, which nobody listens to anymore. Davida makes fun of me for it but she is starting to love it now too. Otherwise it's a bunch of electronic (not so much EDM, but all sorts of things), indie, rap, and random cheesy stuff.
What was your favorite and worst creation at Paulie gees?
I think maybe my "Chicago Death Wish" pizza that was just ketchup and hot dogs was pretty bad. Everyone got mad at me for making it because the area by the oven smelled terrible once I pulled it out.
We never served this one since it was for fun, but one time I made a pizza using an Arby's Beef 'n Cheddar sandwich (with liquid cheese as the sauce) and added curly fries, Arby's sauce, and Horsey sauce on top. I wish I had one of those right now.
I also want one of these right now!
Have you ever thought about putting together a cookbook? I've seen lots of novelty cookbooks and they are mostly by and for cowards. They fake things, they half-ass things, they take "gross" ideas and make things that are actually palatable. The idea of a novelty cookbook that *isn't* full of such cowardice is something I at least would find very appealing - a book full of recipes that make me go "well I guess that is technically edible"
I've been approached about this before. So...apparently the thing is, funny is one thing, but people generally won't buy a cookbook unless it's useful for them. If I write a bomb, then I will never be asked to do anything ever again.
I have been struggling to find a way to write a cookbook that is useful AND gross since they negate each other and create a net sum of zero (or is a negative sum). Maybe I should take up a more useful hobby, like amateur surgery instead.
How about a combo cookbook. Like a terrible recipe followed by something it inspired that was really different and tastes. somewhere between ok and great!
Maybe one those two-sided format things? Read one way, useful recipes. Turn upside-down and around, culinary terrorism.
Or choose-your-own-adventure! Only one storyline leads to a real recipe!
Ooh...
What has been your proudest food-related moment in your life? The food-related moment you are the least proud of?
I think my proudest food-related moment is also my biggest shame. For my old blog I snuck raw meat into a Korean barbecue restaurant once to see if I could get away with it.
http://www.thepizzle.net/how-to-eat-korean-barbecue-on-a-budget/
To start with, that is wildly against health code. Second of all, that took away business I should have given the family owned place. But thirdly, I SNUCK RAW MEAT INTO A RESTAURANT AND HOW IS THAT NOT FUNNY.
One of my all-time favorites. I mention this article anytime someone is foolish enough to get Korean barbecue with me.
I really loved the "Tell me about your weird family recipe" issue and need more stories about Aunt Judith. (I also had an Aunt Judith but I think it was a different one, pretty sure they were different.)
What recipes from your family would you have submitted, if any?
Also did the IKEA people ever reach out? Because I still think about those IKEA bowls all the time.
Oh IKEA never reached out. Too bad for them. You should make a bowl!
Yes, seconded, more Aunt Judith stories/recipes!
@jarathen I believe was the person who had the Aunt Judith!
My mom loves this one taco dip that involves blitzed up cottage cheese as the base, and I used to eat it happily whenever she made it, but the longer I think about it, the more I hate it. But I still love it. Does that make sense?
Harvey and Mr. Bee are clearly astute appraisers of fine/not-so-fine cuisine. Where did they get their credentials?
I asked them just now. They won't say.
Has anyone ever had a disproportionately angry reaction to your food? More than just, "This looks gross" or "It upsets me to look at this". I'm curious whether everyone is in on the jokes or if any readers are reading much too seriously.
People will get mad at my food on social media sometimes without having read the piece. Someone yelled at me about the ketchup carbonara thing after reading the subject line, which made me laugh my ass off.
So far nobody has gotten very angry about anything, strangely, though a few astute people have noticed the perfectly good food I've wasted sometimes, which is something I'm trying to cut down on. But in food writing and recipe development, food waste is inevitable. You're going to make a bunch of shitty food before you get to the good stuff. Too bad all my stuff is shitty.
I do think that some writers who take themselves too seriously look at my stuff and wonder why people like it, but that's because they're haters. I EMBRACE MY HATERS ANYWAY.
Of all the monstrosities you've created, which was the worst to eat, and which was the best?
Two things come to mind for the worst: The crystal gravy experiment for this newsletter, and for my former blog, The Pizzle, I'd tried making empanadas out of Play Doh. Play Doh is technically non-toxic, but it has a lot of salt in it for antibacterial properties along with borax and weird fragrance.
After I took my first bite of the Play Doh I thought I might have actually gone too far. I felt sick for the rest of the day.
http://www.thepizzle.net/dont-make-this-at-home-play-doh-empanadas/
Working in a restaurant, I sometimes have anxiety dreams about failing to do my job. Do you have anxiety dreams about finding a weird enough food? Have your dreams ever provided inspiration for food experiments? Are you dreaming right now?
I am in fact dreaming right now. I also sometimes have dreams about working in a restaurant again and I do not particularly like them.
As to dreams, I am generally not someone who remembers them for long after I wake up, plus I don't usually dream about food. But a few nights ago I dreamt about the video game Elden Ring since we've been playing it a lot. I guess that isn't food. So I guess no?!
What do you think about lab grown meat? Are there any meat replacements you prefer over the original meat?
Davida and I like Impossible for burger replacement. We were eating it fairly regularly for a while, but real meat is so much cheaper, unfortunately, and it still tastes better.
For my day job at The Takeout I am pitched often by companies trying to raise public awareness around lab-grown or lab-cultured meat, but I really have to taste it myself someday to decide how I'll feel. There's none currently available to the public. But if I do try it, I am pretty sure I'll do something absolutely horrendous with it and get banned from purchasing it ever again.
How do you feel about the rising popularity of TikTok and Instagram "shitty" recipe reviews.
TikTok really messes with my head. It's so rapid-fire that I feel like I can't concentrate on anything after I watch a video. I understand its appeal but I also hate it.
As to those review videos, I can't say I watch enough of them to form an opinion, but there's so much video content that's straight up plagiarized, made-up, wrong, or faked that it's hard to trust anything anymore. So I just stick to writing my own internet garbage that's ruining people's brains in my own way.
Do you think you will make some of your creative recipes with fruit, like fresh pineapple? I think you would make a great pastry chef!
I'm going to earmark the fresh fruit idea! I haven't thought much about the subject. (The pineapple thing is getting my brain whirring though.)
As to pastry stuff, I dislike eating sweet stuff, but I SHOULD make more dessert, shouldn't I?
What are your favorite food-related books? (And will you ever write your own book?)
Big fan of Jacques Pepin's "Fast Food My Way" series. They're genius, super super easy to cook from, and don't require expensive ingredients. My friends are some really talented cookbook authors; Gary Wiviott's Low and Slow BBQ books are awesome, Leela Punyaratabandhu's Thai books are fucking beautiful, Kenji's stuff is always great, ahhhhh there's too many to mention!
I have been approached a few times to write a book, but unfortunately I'd have to stop writing the newsletter in order to accomplish most of it. The idea scares me, plus everyone I've ever talked to has hated the book writing process...but man, how cool would that be? Why don't you write a book and I can talk about it on the newsletter!
What's your least favorite ice cream flavor (barring, of course, your own concoctions)?
Butter pecan. It's my dad's favorite and we'd eat it so often that I can't even think about it anymore. Blech.
I can’t like this comment. I love Butter Pecan.
What inspired you to do this blog? Literally why would you make Gatorade bread, etc.? (That's not even close to the grossest-seeming thing you've made, but Gatorade bread is how I first found this blog and it will never leave my brain. Gatorade. Bread. Bread made out of Gatorade.) I guess the question is more expansive than that, really: Why/how does your mind come up with these things? Did food personally hurt you as a child?
I started because I genuinely wanted to destroy my food writing career. I was so sick of the content, the people, everyone making their lives look super beautiful in order for you to feel bad (and validate themselves), I was upset that I'd never be able to afford fancy food, I was tired of all of it.
So I decided one day, fuck it, why not make fun of all of it, and if my career takes a shit, I could go do something more profitable, like start a Ponzi scheme or something! I started doing really dumb shit, and suddenly people STARTED TAKING NOTICE. I won some awards and suddenly publications were asking me to write for them seriously.
Though my original plan backfired, I'm still thinking of dumb shit to write about all day. Who knows, maybe I really will ruin my career. But I'll be laughing the whole way down.
Check out his original website, The Pizzle, for shit that will absolutely blow Gatorade bread out of your mind.
I've seen it! For sure he has made weirder things, it's just that no-knead Gatorade bread is somehow especially demented to me.
It is pretty messed up. I should really try for some Gatorade sourdough...
Or maybe... Red Bull? No, Four Loko!
What's your favorite anime?
I don't watch much of it, but I like Cowboy Bebop and Spirited Away is one of my favorite movies ever. Are there any cool new ones I should watch someday?
I'd highly recommend "Food Wars!: Shokugeki no Soma" for weird food inspiration! It's extremely absurd but also pretty factually correct with regards to food facts.
I have to suggest Bocchi The Rock as a show, it is a fantastic comedy. Here's a clip for context: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3IA5X2tfR0&ab_channel=CrunchyrollCollection
As for movies, it's a tough watch but I love A Silent Voice.
Thank you! We liked the really short series too, I think it was called House Husband or something?
Do you ever feel compelled to take some of your weird-but-not-inedible monstrosities and edit then into weird-but-actually-this-is-delicious monstrosities?
Maybe im an irredemeable swamp goblin, but occassionally im like "you know, I'd eat it."
Some stuff turns out okay! In fact, I've seriously considered doing pop-ups where I sell some of the dumbest food I've made that actually turned out good to the public. Or I could retool some of the stuff that was almost okay into delicious food with the help of a chef.
Maybe THAT will be the name of the cookbook. "You know, I'd eat it." I'd dedicate it to you.
If all my manifesting pays off and im in chicago, i'll be in line!
Bam. "Literary muse," going on the resume.
What's the craziest/funniest thing you've ever googled for a recipe?
I may have to come back to this one. I'll return if I can remember something really dumb.
Probably anything involving adult novelty products. You know, just to make sure they'd be safe to, uh, eat.
What is your recipe for real (Like a traditional wood fired pizza oven crust) pizza crust? Does it matter what flour is used? How long should the dough rest and raise?
So to be completely honest: I had no bearing on the recipe we made at work, and in fact, I didn't prep the dough at my former job. That was someone else's entire job.
BUT: It does matter what flour is used, if you want certain types of results. I know this is useless, but you have to decide which type of pizza you want to make first before you figure out what type of flour to use. 00 flour, which is super finely milled, for example, is perfect for Neapolitan style pizza or pasta making. But it won't work the same for another type.
As for resting/raising/proofing, that's also a whole different ball game also depending on the pizza. It is usually good to let the dough rest overnight in your fridge if not longer in order to develop some good flavor. I realize these answers are all very general and useless, so if you have specific questions, let me know!
Have you ever made something absurd on a dare/experiment/newsletter quest that ended up becoming a regular meal/household staple?
I don't think so! It's sort of the opposite. I'm usually inspired by the normal stuff we're eating and think about making it terrible.
A genie shows up and offers you one wish. It can only be used on legal matters relating to food policy. What do you use this wish on?
This is my last question of the night (gotta get ready for bed). This is a toughie. I don't like when people are shitty to each other, so I think maybe I'd remove all restrictions on what people on SNAP (or any kind of assistance) can enjoy. I feel like those restrictions are pretty dehumanizing. Let's all enjoy what we eat, goddammit.
What food safety limits do you take seriously?
Anything that would seriously poison me, I guess. But that's loose. One time I taste tested a shitload of glue sticks (10 of them) and I survived, so...
http://www.thepizzle.net/schools-out-for-summer-the-glue-stick-taste-test/
I think my limit is cooking things like medicine. As much as I want to find a way to vape cough syrup or something I can't do that without potentially injuring myself permanently. Although that would be a pretty amazing reason to be hospitalized.
Have you ever tried making a turducken?
This is the closest I've gotten: https://foodisstupid.substack.com/p/turfucken
hahaha this is absolutely cursed. love it!!
I'm leaching off the '10 proteins together' comment - but I live for the blog entry on your 'unique' take on a 'Turducken Fusion Feast'. Feel free to use the most outlandish species. I reference the 'Acclimation Society
During the 19th Century, one Britain’s most notorious bon vivants was Oxford professor Francis “Frank” Butland. An advocate of the belief that man was entitled to dominion over “all of God’s creatures”, Butland made it his life’s mission to eat as many different animals as possible. Thus, the “Acclimation Society” was born. Meals featured, among other things, boiled porpoise head, roasted giraffe necks and rhino pie.'
I believe I have access to somewhat unusual protein if I need it (nothing endangered, of course), so I'll have to think about this Frankenfucken thing for a while.
Sounds like sausage-stuffed sausage.
The man sounds like a colossal asshole. I hope he ate himself to death, by which I mean that I hope he ate parts of his own body until he could no longer sustain life.
Were you a picky eater as a kid? What did you refuse to eat?
I wasn't super picky, but as the kid of immigrant parents, I'd always want to fit in with all the kids I grew up with here in America. They'd eat stuff like meatloaf, we'd eat things like kimchi and various jjigaes (Korean stews), banchan, and I thought we were the weird ones since our food was so different.
I was a jerk to my mom about it as an adolescent and wanted to eat American food only, which obviously stressed her out. She told me that one weekend I went on a school trip (I vaguely remember this) and was forced to eat bland American food the whole time, and when I came home to my mom's cooking, I stopped complaining forever.
Like when old school parents forced their kids to smoke a whole pack of cigarettes.
Have you ever made something you initially tried for the newsletter a second time?
Generally no because I usually have a weird association with whatever I end up making later, but I do want to make Monster Pudding again. I have been thinking about it non-stop for a week for some reason. If I ever do a pop-up, that would be a component of a dessert.
https://foodisstupid.substack.com/p/monster-energy-drink-pudding
What are the first few videos that pop up when you go to YouTube?
All food stuff: First vid is a funny channel Davida and I watch called Report of the Week with this guy who reviews fast food. He's all dressed up for some reason, is very peculiar but in an endearing way, and just like...reviews shit from Wendy's or something. The 2nd video is something about Gordon Ramsay (who I dislike, but I can't beat the algorithm), and the third is a local Chicago YouTuber who talks about the city.
Of all of your experiments, what turned out the worst taste-wise?
The one that makes me feel sick just thinking about was the Crystal Gravy.
https://foodisstupid.substack.com/p/i-tried-to-make-crystal-gravy
I think there was a pet food related one too that made me feel very sick. But the thing is, I've consumed so much pet food that I can't remember for the life of me what it might have been.
If you could do anything in the world (money and time no object), what would you do? Also, how did you and the lovely Davida meet?
Honestly? I'd just do this newsletter twice a week and spend the rest of the time with friends and family (and travel on occasion).
So the Davida story: This deserves its own post someday. But for my former blog, I'd written about how a drunk driver crashed into my parked car and totaled it. Out of nowhere someone Paypalled me $20 to wish me well, and followed up with an email to make sure I'd gotten it. It was in fact, Davida.
http://www.thepizzle.net/how-to-eat-korean-barbecue-on-a-budget/
I emailed her back, and we found ourselves emailing each other multiple times a day (she lived in Las Vegas at the time). Eventually that morphed into calling and texting each other a bunch, and one day I told her that if we didn't meet up someday, I was afraid our friendship would probably fade--and I didn't want that, so went out to visit her. As you can see, the rest is history.
I'll fast forward past the long-distance stuff, but hey: We've been engaged for a very long time (we're trying to get past that next very important step, aka, get wed), and we live together in a tiny apartment with our two terrible fucking cats, but we wouldn't have it any other way. It's pretty awesome.
That’s such a sweet story. You guys should pull the trigger and get married because think of all the disgusting food content that would generate!!
What's the best thing you've stuck up your ass?
A baker's dozen donuts including the baker.
Also came to ask this
Hi Dennis! My question is: How are you feeling? I hope you are feeling pretty good, or even better!
Thank you! I hope you and your family are very well.
Teacher’s pet!
There's a lot of vibes around matured meat. To which extent would you push the concept to make it even stupidier?
Can you cook something with proteins from more than 10 animals at the same time?
Yes. Meatloaf.
What keeps you going to continue this godforsaken concept
This exact question.