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Monster energy drink pudding
it's not just a drink...it's a lifestyle
We got our second vaccination shots last week, and we are feeling grateful as shiiiiiiiiiit. Both Davida and I did get hit with some side effects, which necessitated a day off of work for the both of us, but if anything, it was really interesting feeling like crap while knowing exactly what caused this feeling. Everyone said we’d feel better quickly. And we did. What I think really helped me recover was eating Chef Boyardee straight out of the can. There’s magic in those cans. There’s also magic in my can, and I am referring to my ass.
This is why you are here, reading this. Not for food, but for butt jokes.
I, Dannis “Dwayne Johnson The Rock” Ree, accept all the James Beard Awards.
You are probably thinking, “Dannis, that meme you just made is exquisite.” In fact, it is.
I could do this all day.
I’ve been sitting on this concept for a while, but since I got a bit sidelined, I felt like I couldn’t quite do it justice. Until today.
My friend Paul, known as Pee Kay around these parts, is a legend around the service industry in Chicago (he’s now since moved to New York). He introduced me to an interesting ingredient that I had never heard about, called Clear Jel. Clear Jel is a flavorless modified corn starch used to thicken things like pie filling and pudding. You don’t even have to cook it for it to work its magic.
I immediately had to buy some. But then I had to figure out what to combine with it to make it glorious. And for some reason the first thought that popped into my head was Monster. Monster energy drink, the true ambrosia of immortals everywhere.
Monster may be the greatest beverage ever created. First of all, it is called Monster. Even if you had no idea what was in it, you obviously need to ingest it, because it’s called Monster. Second of all, when you consume Monster energy drink, you immediately become a living lethal weapon, due to the sheer amount of caffeine and unknown substances in it. Who doesn’t want that?
So, I thought to myself, “Dannis Ree, in order to celebrate this possibly toxic drink, maybe you should find a way to eat it with a spoon. That way if you don’t want to gulp it down, you can spoon it up your ass.”
This should be easy, right?
First of all, let’s celebrate the can.
Monster energy drink looks like a chromed out monster truck (pun mildly intended) crushed into a can. One time, when I was checking out in a grocery store in a small town I was visiting, I realized my bagger was wearing an empty can of it around his neck, secured by some twine. I will always aspire to this level of devotion to anything.
See, Monster energy drink is not just a beverage, it is a true lifestyle.
Unlike Red Bull, Monster has sort of a reddish, pinkish hue to it.
I believe it has some form of blood in it, but it’s hard to decipher through the flavor. I’m guessing it’s from a fallen angel.
“This should be easy,” I thought, as I sprinkled a heaping spoon of starch onto the sparkly, 100% artificial, nectar.
I whisked the powder in.
The liquid turned into a milky shade of tan, and did not really change much other than that.
Obviously, the solution was to pour more starch in it.
Okay, maybe some more.
Eventually this had to work, right?
After mixing in what had to be at least a full cup of Clear Jel, nothing happened, aside it turning into a very off-putting shade of milk that smelled like urinal cakes.
I stuck my finger in it and tasted it, and I’m pretty sure I briefly entered a different dimension. It was terrible. This tasted like chalk mixed with car air freshener, and it wasn’t thickened much.
I was dejected. I have failed you, Pee Kay. I have failed us. I will have to return my self-awarded awards to the awards store.
So instead, I decided to go with a more traditional approach and make a regular pudding with another can of Monster.
I used energy drink, egg yolks, cream, and regular cornstarch. I couldn’t get over the fact that I was mixing egg yolks into Monster energy drink. Even as I sit here writing this, I can’t help but feel like I violated some rules of nature or religion or something.
After 10 minutes, this mixture did thicken up.
Good thing, because otherwise I wouldn’t have anything to show for the giant mess I made in the kitchen today. I refrigerated it and let it finish setting up.
The gang eyed the pudding suspiciously, as if it was some form of poison.
Then they eyed me suspiciously. Thanks for the support, you fuzzy little turds.
I curiously tried a spoonful and I immediately busted out laughing.
No food should taste like this. It tasted kind of like velvety, creamy, children’s chewable vitamins. If you noticed earlier, I didn’t add any sugar, and good thing I didn’t, because the pudding was about as sweet as you’d expect. And then it dawned on me that the entire pint I made had 160 milligrams of caffeine in it. I did a great, yet terrible thing. I feel like I unintentionally placed a great spiritual burden upon myself.
I brought a spoonful over to Davida, who tried it. She said, quietly, and seemingly to nobody in particular, “A child would eat this.” Then she sat for a second and said, “I really like the aftertaste. It just keeps getting better and better.”
“It tastes too much like a vitamin,” I said.
“That’s because it’s good for you.”
Yeah, that’s it. It’s good for us. Anything whose slogan is “Unleash the Beast” has got to be health food.
Well, there you have it. I will have to figure out how to use the Clear Jel, but that’s okay, I still have a full pound of it. Thanks again to Pee Kay for the inspiration, and don’t forget to follow him on Instagram.
Also, while you’re at it staring at your devices, please share this post on social media, because it keeps the newsletter going and keeps digging my food writing career into an inescapable hole of despair:
And later this week, for paid subscribers, I’ll be making Monster energy pudding pie, because that’s clearly what you should do with caffeinated pudding. Consider a paid subscription to help chip in to pay for ingredients and to support my Xtreme Lifestyle, aka, Food is Stupid, a newsletter with the dumbest laziest name in all of history.
You’ll unlock all the old paid content and feel good about supporting me while I go chug Monster in the alley.
Love you all, get those vaccinations, and hopefully I’ll get to see some of your smiling faces this summer.