I tried to make crystal gravy

I wish I didn't

Ah, the halcyon days of the 90’s, which weren’t actually that great to begin with, but are now starting to look like heaven, in retrospect.

Any of you remember this?

Crystal Pepsi. This commercial is hilarious, yet mildly menacing at the same time.

When I was a kid, my parents occasionally packed us lunch, which always involved a sandwich, a bag of chips, and a can of soda. And when Crystal Pepsi came out, Young Dannis asked to have it.

The stuff we got was the canned version, which now that I think about it, is really stupid, considering its selling point was that it was completely clear.

I drank that shit right out of the can without admiring its uncolored majesty. Nobody gave a shit about other clear soda. But clear Pepsi? Amazing.

Then this Saturday Night Live parody commercial came out:

Crystal Gravy.

Ever since I learned about the existence of this video, I’ve been obsessed about trying it, even though it’s not a real product.

But guess what, assholes? It’s 2020 and nothing matters anymore.

“Young Dannis,” I wrote, in a time-traveling email. “It is I, Old Dannis. In the future, you will have a newsletter where you eat a lot of pet food alongside a bunch of actual garbage. And someday, you will try Crystal Gravy, because you wished it into existence.”

Somewhere, in this timeline, Young Dannis stared into the sky and said, “What?”

I didn’t know exactly where to start, until I stumbled on this website, One on One Flavors.

This is what I do in my spare time. I google stupid shit and then click on everything I see. This is why my computer is riddled with viruses.

I laughed at the different flavor concentrates you can get, like corn bread flavored concentrate, selai kaya (I do not know what this is) flavor concentrate, and…BEEF CONCENTRATE.

I shit my pants. Destiny was calling.

After a few days, the beef flavoring showed up in my mailbox.

The package had an alarming smell to it. I will not elaborate on this.

And, as in the best sorts of things one can ingest, the bottle came with warnings in very very fine print.

“Flavor ingredients contained in this product are approved for use in regulation of the Food & Drug Administration or as listed as being recognized as safe on a reliable published industry Association List. Diacetyl Free Flavors.”

Phew. Diacetyl free, guys.

“Warning: DO NOT DRINK THE CONTENTS OF THIS BOTTLE. This product is a liquid concentrate that should not be ingested completely, inhaled, or injected. For Baking, Candy-Making, and Vaping. Manufacturing Purposes only. Keep out of reach of children.”

Shit. I was planning on mainlining it.

You’re not supposed to drink it, but vaping it is totally fine! Or you can make cookies with it. Mmm…artificial beef-flavored cookies.

Having watched a few episodes of Chopped some years ago, I knew that this food additive, Ultra-Tex (I bought it at Modernist Pantry), would be able to thicken my crystal gravy base. Also, I’m really good at pretending I know what I’m talking about.

My favorite part about this ingredient is that every time a competitor on Chopped used it, they almost always got booted off the show.

As you can see from the ingredients, it’s basically just tapioca starch.

Or it’s cocaine.

Hmm. Next edition of my newsletter? Cooking with cocaine? After one recipe, I’ll be able to do ANYTHING!!!!!!!!

To begin with, I dissolved some salt and MSG in some hot water.

Apparently according to the bottle, one serving of beef flavor is 20 drops.

I counted out 20 drops and the entire apartment instantly smelled like burning rubber. Either that, or I was exhibiting the early symptoms of a stroke.

Then, using a very scientific method, I dumped an arbitrary amount of Ultra-Tex into the hot salty water.

I stirred and realized I made a rookie mistake.

While some of the starch dissolved right away, some of it also clumped up.

I stirred and stirred. The water appeared to be getting thicker, but also cloudier.

Then, using more exact science, I dumped the rest of the package in the hot horribly-smelling saucepan and prayed to Satan that this was at least headed in the right direction.

Well…

The good news was that the mixture was thickening. The bad news was, there were chunks of hydrated starch floating in it. So I just sifted out the chunky stuff and I was left with a final product.

The result was a nice cummy bowl of not-so-crystal gravy.

Wait, what did I just say?

I went to Wendy’s and grabbed some of their terrible fries, topped them with a few cheese curds, the cloudy-yet-clear “gravy,” and took a bite.

My body’s immediate reaction was to attempt to eject the contents of my mouth onto the floor. But only through sheer stupidity was I able to finish a bite and swallow it. Maybe I do have a subconscious death wish. Or someone at One on One Flavors was trying to kill me. Both seem likely.

Whichever flavor scientist who made this has apparently never had beef. Unless the one and only time they had beef, it had been rotting in the dumpster for two weeks, then roasted with a burning rubber tire. Beef my ass. Maybe I got the bottle of “car burning on the side of the highway” extract.

Sorry, young and old Dannis. I failed us. At least I did it spectacularly.

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I still feel sick.

As usual, please share the shit out of the newsletter by forwarding it or spreading it on social media if you found my self-torture worth anything:

And please consider a paid subscription, because with each one, I get closer to a full-time job trying to poison myself:

(Pssst. Next edition is a paid-subscribers only one. A friend tipped me off to these breast milk-flavored lollipops that are on their way to my mailbox now.)

Venmo: @dickholedannis

And for no reason, have this, easily the best picture of food I’ve ever seen, along with the best caption I’ve ever read:

Sophie @jil_slander

Absolutely losing my shit over this "activated charcoal fish and chips" ... im sorry ...... that's a poo babe. or a stick. u can't eat that

Wear a mask, stay away from each other, and come on. I really miss hugging my parents, who don’t know I write this newsletter.