The Virility Crunchwrap Supreme

it's all about them boners

Hi, clowns!

So, uh, something interesting happened.

Hot off the heels of being featured in Bon Appétit because of this very newsletter, I unexpectedly landed the cover story for the upcoming March edition.

As in, I wrote this one. It’s a piece about Chicago-style hot dogs I did a while back for digital publication (in fact, it’s the only piece I’ve written for them), but all the hot dog stands are still around and the information’s still good. The piece now has some beautiful photos accompanying it, and when I was told it’d be in print, I didn’t realize it was going to be the one on the cover. Holy shit.

I can’t wait for some dickhole to email me and ask me why I didn’t include his favorite Chicago-style hot dog in Guam, then accuse me of being paid off by Big Hot Dog. So if you already get a print subscription to Bon Appétit, or you see this one on a magazine rack while you’re out shopping, that’s really me! But you know where the party’s really at.

Oh, and one more thing: I’ll be on a livestream with Bill Oakley (of The Simpsons and Mission Hill fame) next Monday, February 12 at 8 p.m. CST, for his food club, Steamed Hams Society. Sign up to check it out—there’s a free seven day trial, but Bill’s awesome, so really do consider subscribing as a member. We’ll just be having a friendly chat about all things food.

And now for some Valentine’s Day content. (Psst, also, don’t forget to upgrade your subscription. Today’s is a freebie, but I can’t run this thing without you.)

As you are all aware, Valentine’s Day is next week.

Though we know Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about romance and love, it’s also an unofficial food holiday. That is because food is an integral part of any courtship. One way to tell someone that you are attracted to them is by cooking them an extravagant and filling meal on Valentine’s Day.

But the issue is, after a lovely meal, many couples feel obligated to become intimate with each other, which can be difficult depending on what you have consumed.

So I said to myself, “Dannis Ree, you have a predicament. People want to bone after eating a romantic home-cooked Valentine’s Day dinner. However, eating a bunch of steak is generally not a good practice before laying in mortal sin, because due to natural biological functions, both parties will want to sleep after eating a rich and seductive meal. How can you help couples across the world deal with this issue?”

I lay down on the sidewalk and thought deeply about this. How could I take romantic cuisine and somehow use it to facilitate sensual activities?

I would construct a high-end dish using known edible aphrodisiacs as the main ingredients. But then, that begged the question: What was the most romantic dish that someone could make for their partner?

I began to think of a single dish that was technically complex enough to make that would demonstrate true love, yet could mask the fact that there were potentially unconventional ingredients in it. What could this be?

Then I realized where I was lying—it was the place I always turn to when I need culinary inspiration. I looked up and saw the two gleaming words “Taco Bell” from the edifice above me. That’s it! I could use the form factor of a Crunchwrap Supreme, which is a flour tortilla filled with a tostada shell, protein, various sauces, and veggies, folded into the shape of an unidentified flying object!

I would call this: The Virility Crunchwrap Supreme.

First off, however, I would need to choose some aphrodisiac ingredients, then prepare them.

I did some intense research on the internet and landed on various sites recommending edible aphrodisiacs. One list by Ro, a purveyor of boner pills, says that okra is thought by some people to be an aphrodisiac. And it just so happened that we had some pickled okra from our last trip to Wisconsin. Perfect.

I chopped it up along with some tomatoes, prepped some shredded lettuce (aka poured it out of the pre-shredded bag), and had my veggie station ready to go.

WebMD, the resource I use to freak out over when I have weird-colored dumps after eating too many Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, says that nuts are also thought to have aphrodisiac qualities to them.

I’ve got some nuts for you, all right. The site says, “Almonds, walnuts, and hazelnuts in particular help you better pump blood throughout your body. That may improve your heart health and blood pressure or help you get and keep an erection.” Sick.

Since almond butter is pretty much concentrated almonds, I figured I could use that instead of whole or crushed nuts. I decided to mix it with the sour cream that is always included in a Crunchwrap, in order to cut down on its sticky richness.

Then, of course, everyone knows that oysters are supposed to make you horny.

In this case, I used thawed frozen raw oysters that I got from the Korean grocery store. These things were fucking massive and smelled real strong. In order to continue giving this Virility Crunchwrap Supreme a Taco Bell flavor, I tossed the slimy guys in some Taco Bell branded taco seasoning.

Now came the most challenging part: The construction of the Virility Crunchwrap Supreme.

I’d never done this before, so I hoped the gesture of building something so complicated would mean a lot to Davida. I studied an instructional YouTube video by an account named Cooking With Janica that was so sped-up as to be borderline useless, but it had cute music, so I forgave it.

In it, the person cooking the food (presumably Janica), builds their homemade Crunchwrap with the nacho cheese sauce directly on the center of the tortilla, adds protein on top of that, a crunchy tostada disc next, and then veggies, before folding the tortilla over exactly five times in order to achieve the Crunchwrap’s signature shape.

So I started with the almond-sour cream mixture, nacho cheese sauce (also Taco Bell branded), and gently spooned the raw taco-seasoned oysters on top.

Then I added the crunchy tostada.

And in went the rest of the fillings, including the pickled okra.

I called Davida over to watch me masterfully fold my very first Crunchwrap, which was the part that I thought would be the most challenging.

I was hoping she’d be madly impressed, but according to this photo, I simply pointed at it as if I was angrily scolding it. After exactly five folds inwards, the Crunchwrap was assembled. This was far too easy. Why hadn’t I tried making these things at home sooner?

The final task was simply to grill it in a pan, seam side down first, in order to seal the tortilla.

Then I flipped it over to get some color on the other side, and in just a few minutes, my Virility Crunchwrap Supreme was complete. No raw oysters had leaked out of the sides, fortunately.

After I sliced it in half, this thing looked remarkably like one of the millions of Crunchwraps I’ve eaten at Taco Bell over the years, except for one thing.

There was an entire raw oyster falling out of it.

So to recap, in terms of aphrodisiacs, there were raw oysters, almonds in the form of almond butter, and pickled okra in this Virility Crunchwrap Supreme, but the final one came out of Taco Bell’s superior Diablo sauce packet—chiles, which supposedly boost dopamine and endorphins in your body.

I gritted my teeth and took a big first bite. I immediately recognized the texture of the chewy, toasted, exterior flour tortilla, with the crunchiness of the center corn disc, along with the fresh backdrop of the tomatoes and lettuce. Then there was the richness of the two sauces, gluing everything together. My brain screamed Taco Bell. Until the oyster hit.

It was a mouthful of mushy metallic-tasting seawater gunk that only grew stronger as I chewed. The flavors of the nacho cheese and almond butter and sour cream mixture had no chance, and the okra barely made a dent in the flavor. It was magnificently gross. Then I asked Davida if she wanted a bite.

“I don’t really want to try it,” she said. “Does that make me a bad sport?” But she reached for it anyway like a champ, took a bite, and shoved it back at me while making disgusted noises.

Suffice it to say, neither of us felt much of a stirring in our loins. The opposite, in fact. But hey, at least I taught myself how to make a Crunchwrap, and right after we rid our mouths of the flavor of the raw oyster flavor, I booked us a reservation.

Man, this was a lot of work to weasel my way out of cooking Valentine’s Day dinner this year.

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Phew. No more raw oysters in Crunchwrap Supremes, but now I can say we tried it. If you had fun with today’s free edition of Food is Stupid, please do me a favor and share it! Forward it to people, share it in a group chat, post it on Reddit, and if you have your own Substack newsletter, a recommendation from you would be swell:

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Okay, lovebirds, go have a fun Valentine’s Day. And if you’re feeling lonely, don’t worry, you can visit my old blog, The Pizzle, where I talk a lot about loneliness pre-Davida. Hilarious. Substack’s yelling at me for running long today, so as always, I love you all, and I’ll hop into some of your inboxes next week.