The Tim Tam Clam Slam

what the hell did you just say?

Hi, clowns!

Sorry it’s been a bit, but I’ve had a long few weeks.

I’ve been experiencing strange flashes in my right eye, and after a lot of frantic googling, I discovered that could be a symptom of a detached retina. I made an appointment with the eye doctor, and she was concerned enough by my condition that she arranged for me to be seen by a specialist immediately.

After a wild day of getting my eye scanned with futuristic-looking machines, I was diagnosed with a very rare disease called Coats’ disease. I’ve long known that my right eye is broken, since I’m mostly blind in it and have been for almost my entire life. But nobody’s ever been able to tell me why until now.

Fortunately, my other eye’s just fine, which is how I’ve gotten by for all of these years without accidentally cutting off my finger while making dinner. Hell, I even survived five years in a restaurant kitchen without any major disasters, so you know it can’t have be that bad. And double fortunately, my retina’s not coming off (which is a danger with this disease). But to make things slightly more annoying, my bad eye has apparently developed a hazy cataract that may have to be removed soon. I guess you guys can all start calling me “Grandpa Dannis” from now on.

There’s no permanent cure for Coats’ disease, so I’m stuck with it. It can be treated to stop it from getting worse, so I’ve already gotten started. Treatment’s a little intense (sorry, this part's a little gnarly) and it involves eye injections, laser surgery, and that cataract I mentioned will likely have to be dealt with. But I can proudly tell you I survived my first eye injection and honestly, it was easier than getting my teeth cleaned at the dentist’s office.

I guess I’m just glad I know what the problem is. And if my eye somehow does have to go, I’ll just ask the surgeon to install a laser in my head that draws dicks on the wall or something.

If I’m a little slower about putting editions of Food is Stupid out there, I’d ask that you be a little patient with me. But just know that the newsletter isn’t going anywhere, and I’ll be riding this thing until the wheels fly off.

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The other week I asked you all to tell me what you thought the worst food and drink pairings could possibly be, and boy, did you clowns deliver.

First of all, I did not know there was such a large contingent of you that want me to drink Listerine for some reason. This is absolutely hilarious. I really like when online discussions go off the rails, but I was not expecting you to suggest I drink an oral sanitizing solution while pairing it with food.

Second of all, many of you guys really seem to think that anything combined with seafood is gag inducing, and I tend to think most of you are right. That’s why one of my favorite comments was from user @Josh, who suggested I try “clam juice sucked through a Tim Tam biscuit.”

When I read that comment I practically choked. So I figured if I was going to actually choke on anything, might as well be a Tim Tam with clam juice sucked through it.

Some of you might not be familiar with Tim Tams (made by a company called Arnott’s), which are a delightful biscuit from Australia.

They’re basically just chocolate sandwich cookies dipped in even more chocolate, and frankly, they’re fucking delicious. But what’s incredible about them is that you can perform a maneuver with them called a “Tim Tam slam.”

I wrote about the Tim Tam slam once for The Takeout, but to start, all you have to do is bite the short edges off a Tim Tam so the cookie portion is exposed.

Then, with your hot beverage of choice (Davida and I like coffee), you put one exposed edge of the cookie into the liquid, and suck on the other end like a straw. When you feel the warmth of the liquid hit your lips, you shove the whole thing into your mouth all at once.

The result is a unique sensation that’s unlike anything else you’ll ever try. The hot drink you sucked through the cookie essentially melts it from the inside, and when you close your mouth after slamming it in, the whole thing collapses into a burst of molten chocolate. It’s incredible.

Fortunately, Tim Tams have gotten popular enough that you can find them at many grocery store chains now. I’ve seen them carried at superstores like Walmart, so give them a try if you have a chance.

A regular Tim Tam slam is great, but how would the experience be with clam juice?

The idea of clam juice is absolutely vile to some people.

I’ve had grocery store cashiers make disgusted faces while scanning bottles of it at the checkout counter, which amuses me to no end. And so it shouldn’t surprise you that this newsletter is no stranger to clam juice. I’ve used it as an ingredient in a drink I called “Clam Sweat,” (I know) and I also used it that one time I made caffeinated clam chowder.

One cool thing I learned this week is that hot clam juice in a glass mug is disturbing to look at, even with a totally fucked up eye.

It resembles bodily secretions, used bathwater, or runoff from a yogurt factory. Or all three combined together in one glass.

I tasked Davida with capturing this momentous Tim Tam Clam Slam, and she giggled as she was taking photos, because one of my glasses lenses fogged up immediately.

I essentially have only one eye anyway, so who gives a fuck if one of them is momentarily disabled? Anyway, if you see me driving my sick 2009 Camry down the street at high speed, I suggest you run.

By the way, hot clam juice is fine, which is a phrase any adult should utter at some point in their lives. It doesn’t actually taste like much other than weak seawater. It’s a little briny and shellfishy, but that’s about it. Now, if you left an open bottle in the hot summer sun for a few days, I could see this turning into poison real quick, but I’ll save that for the final edition of the newsletter someday when I’m ready to call it quits on everything.

Cheers, everyone!

I look like a giant baby waving around a cookie in this photo. I’ll be turning 42 this Wednesday, so that makes me one ancient infant.

I sucked the steaming clam juice through the Tim Tam, and once I felt the warmth of the liquid hit my lips, I jammed that fucker right into my mouth.

I reread that sentence just now and if you didn’t know what a Tim Tam was, you’d think you’d just read the climax of a particularly filthy romance novel.

While I look like I might be ready to eject that thing out of my face, in all honesty, the Tim Tam Clam Slam wasn’t a disaster at all.

In fact, I couldn’t taste the clam juice whatsoever. All I experienced was a deliciously melted cookie with zero shellfish aftertaste. It’s probably because clam juice by itself is pretty mild, despite what your brain thinks of those two words next to each other, and chocolate, like the divine power of love (what?) actually a pretty powerful flavor that can conquer nearly anything. Sorry, @Josh, I survived your challenge. I suppose if I can handle a needle to the eye, I can do anything.

Thank you guys for being patient about this whole thing, and once I understand how to tackle this the right way, I think everything’ll be okay. I waffled on whether or not to tell all of you what’s been up, but this isn’t an ordinary newsletter, and you’re no strangers to my life.

So if you see me walking around with a laser eye that draws dicks on the wall, you know what happened. We can laugh about it later.

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If anything, the fact that I was able to write a piece called the Tim Tam Clam Slam is pretty amazing. Thank you for the inspiration, @Josh, I hope I did you proud. That being said, if you liked today’s read, please share it with everyone you know, and here’s a handy button to do so:

And of course, don’t forget to upgrade your subscription.

I’m going to avoid using this platform to ask for financial assistance for as long as possible, but I can’t say I’m not a little concerned about what’s coming. Hey, if you upgrade to a paid subscription, at least you get to read the full archives of the newsletter via the web, plus you’ll get an exclusive piece about one more potentially disastrous food and drink pairing later this week.

And I’m looking forward to celebrating my 42nd birthday this Wednesday, so there’s that. 42 is a pretty pleasant-looking number.

As always, I love you all, and I’ll hop into some of your inboxes later this week.