Slam chowder: it'll give you wings

energy soup

Welcome to Friday, assbags!

You did it! One more week that felt like a century: over. I am happy you’re here with me.

Here is the part where I tell you the story of how this week’s edition of Food is Stupid came about.

I’ll tell you some anecdote rife with foibles. If this were a mommy blog, I’d wax poetic about the time my son Quiche-Lorraine found a live hand grenade while he was in the backyard while he was digging around for frogs and shit, and how it inspired me to make a salad out of ice cubes and hay.

But, this week, all that happened was that Davida looked at me from her side of the couch and said: “Energy soup.”

So today, we took the most refreshing soup for a summer day, clam chowder, and basically turned it into high-octane jet fuel.

As much shit as I give the general food blog population, oftentimes they’ll come up with some pretty solid recipes.

So today, I referred to Cook the Story’s 15 minute clam chowder. Clams, potatoes, bacon, celery, you know the drill. Except there’s a very special ingredient that the original recipe doesn’t have.

This product, made by a company called VitaPerk, is actually designed to kill you.

It’s an energy powder additive that’s meant to be added to coffee. It contains 60 mg of caffeine, along with a host of b-vitamins to make your probably already too-strong coffee into a legal form of methamphetamine.

Jesus. Whatever happened to just, like…drinking a second cup of coffee?

The recipe starts with a base of celery, onions, garlic, and bacon, all cooked on my greasy stove that I’ve put off cleaning.

If you’re me, use the smallest, worst pan available, so you’re bound to have soup that goes all the way to the top and eventually boils over, making your filthy stove even more encrusted with scaly bits.

Once everything browns up, toss a spoonful of flour in to create a roux using the fat from the bacon.

It’ll create a mealy mess that’ll thicken your chowder later. God, this is such an unappealing photo. It looks like I poured washing detergent on a bunch of homemade dog food.

Then, pour in my favorite beverage other than urine, clam juice.

I took a giant swig before I reminisced about writing this post.

“Nectar of the gods,” I whispered to myself, clutching my stomach.

Oftentimes my camera decides to do what it wants while I’m taking pictures.

This is an example of the finest food photography I’ve ever taken.

Bad food photos are a true wonder. It’s not even like the food is moving around or anything. It just sits there while you fumble around with the camera and screw up the picture.

While the base broth was simmering, I opened a can of potatoes.

“Why did you buy a can of potatoes, Dannis? Why not a regular potato?” you ask, with a puzzled look on your face.

It is because I’m lazy. I can barely be bothered to change my own diaper once every two weeks.

Since these canned potatoes are already cooked, they basically just need to hang out in the broth for a while.

This is when you need to do some more real work:

That’s right. Open another can.

I like clams a lot, but don’t often cook with them.

Dear God. The initial smell of opening a can of clams is like the juice that collects at the bottom of your garbage can if you didn’t realize there was a hole in the bag.

The scent dissipates rapidly, but it’s ripe. I can’t even imagine what the canning factory smells like on a good day.

Anyway, clams are great.

Just dump the can of clams in, juice and all, and finish the soup off with some half-and-half.

Simmer it until it’s as thick as you like, and this is when the fun happens.

Dump the powder in the chowder.

Say that out loud. I should be a lyricist.

Out of curiosity, I poured the powder on my hand to see what it looked like.

It was a slight yellow color, kind of like pollen. Then, I curiously dabbed my finger in it and tasted it. Flavorless my asshole. This VitaPerk shit was actually kind of sweet. Lies! Everything is a lie!

I poured the powder in the soup and shouted, “Itadakimasu!” while wearing an ill-fitting and skintight Sailor Moon costume.

The soup was delicious.

It’s perfect for a hot summer day, when you’re holed up in your icy air-conditioned apartment. This definitely beats a can of Chunky. The clam flavor is good but not too much, the bacon adds rich smokiness, and the cream evens it out. Turns out canned potatoes aren’t bad at all, either, they’re not mushy and they hold up in a simmering broth pretty well. It’s pretty much cafeteria clam chowder and not in a bad way.

But fuck! This powder is strong as shit! And this is coming from a person who regularly slams cans of Monster energy drink. I was practically ready to run a two-minute mile after a few mouthfuls, and my heart started racing. My hands got jittery too.

Davida housed a whole bowl, and felt like she could smash through a brick wall. “At one point I couldn’t feel my hands,” she said. “It was delicious, though.”

She also has been watching Mad Men obsessively lately, and insisted on coming up with a high-caliber pitch for Slam Chowder. All she could come up with was something about “creamy chunks that get you ready to dunk.”

We make a hell of an ad team.

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I have like 29 more of these packets and I’m not quite sure what to do with them. I’m still feeling crazy!

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And lastly, Cricket.

After an emergency visit to the vet early this morning, we brought her back home to rest, hoping we’d have at least one more day with her. Turns out she had other plans.

She’s now out galaxy hopping in search of donuts, yogurt, and Spam.

We love you, Cricket. Everybody loves you.