Smashdogs, part 2

time to loaf it

Hello, clowns!

Quick note: It just occurred to me that next week is fucking Thanksgiving. Most of you will be sleeping off a turkey hangover (or an actual hangover); I’ll probably be doing the same thing, so I’m going to take next week off.

Don’t worry, though, I’ve got plenty of old stuff for you to reread, like the time I made a Turfucken, the Thanksgiving candy corn taste test, and of course, the time I stuffed popcorn up a chicken's ass to see if that would possibly work with a turkey. (Snopes had a field day with that particular edition of the newsletter.)

Now, today’s edition of the newsletter is a continuation from last week’s adventure, from when I attempted to invent a completely new way of cooking a hot dog.

If you recall, I took some hot dogs, ground them up into a paste, rolled them into a ball, and then tried smashing and searing them on a blazing hot skillet.

This is the same technique you use while making one of the trendiest burger styles known to man, the smashburger. My innovative concept was poised to bring about a cooking revolution and net me a Nobel Prize in physics, chemistry, medicine, literature, peace, and economic science—a historic clean sweep.

But sometimes, being the greatest food writer in all of history comes with failure and sadness. Occasionally, blood. The original smashdog ended up turning into enormously salty bits of meat gravel that were not fit for human consumption, and I wept the saddest tears there ever were.

But instead of calling me names or dancing upon the grave of my food writing career (as she probably should have), Davida looked wistfully into the distance, and spoke some wise words.

“This is way too salty and I hate the gritty texture. You needed to add something to stretch it out, spread out the salt, and to bind it.”

And who was I to not listen to my wife? As they say, “Happy wife, happy life.”

Or was it, “Angry spouse, burned-down house?” I can never remember.

So today, I’m following the directions of the co-greatest food writer in all of history, my wife, to create a new evolution of the smashdog.