The peanut blooder and jelly sandwich

it sounds funnier if you say it out loud

Heeeey, clowns!

It is I, your friend Dannis, the greatest food writer in all of history.

Many people say to me, “Dannis, I too, would like to be the greatest food writer in all of history. How can I earn this title as well?”

The answer is to start your own newsletter, called Dannis is Stupid. Then talk about shoving a bunch of olives up your ass, tell people you’re gonna win all the Jimmy Beard Awards, and suddenly, you will have gained the mantle of power. Honestly, it’s a pretty easy throne to overthrow. It’s cool being the greatest food writer in all of history, but I set the bar very low, and plus, it doesn’t automatically come with health insurance.

Also nobody has asked me that question, not even once. I made that story up to feel better about myself. It didn’t work.

This week’s idea comes to you courtesy of my friend Kimmi, who sent me this food photo that seems to go viral about once a year.

For some reason, the idea of a peanut butter, jelly, and banana sandwich made using a hot dog bun, appears to repulse people. I think maybe it’s because many people simply imagine a hot dog instead of a banana and dislike this idea greatly.

Honestly, this photo makes me feel tingly in all the wrong places too, and I’m not entirely sure why. But then I thought, to myself, “Hey, Dannis, you can fuck with this weird bananadog thing somehow, right?”

Speaking of dogs, I asked Kimmi if there was anything she wanted to promote on the newsletter, and indeed, there is.

Kimmi is the proud owner of a Shiba Inu named Casserole (!!!). So, she wanted to let you all know that Midwest Shiba Inu Rescue is doing some great work, and to check them out and support them. I mean…how could you not, Casserole is pretty cute.

I asked Kimmi if she had something I could quote her on, and she said, “Something silly is I’ve been listening to old movie soundtracks a lot lately. I think it’s very cool that Charlie’s Angels opened the film with Blind by Korn, which is a banger.”

First of all, I decided to recreate the original peanut butter, jelly, and banana sandwich in the viral food photo to see if it was any good.

Then I would make my own twist on the dish, but this time, involving blood.

I’d like to use my extremely important platform to say that Jewel brand hot dog buns suck tremendous ass and cannot be trusted for anything.

Jewel (technically Jewel-Osco, but nobody calls it that) is a local Chicago grocery store chain that I go to pretty often. Ask any local Chicagoan about Jewel and their face will probably light up. Then they will throw Italian beef sandwiches at your head, while shouting something weird about the Chicago Bears.

Anyway, as soon as I applied the lightest touch of peanut butter and jelly to the bun, it gave up on me and immediately died by ripping apart at the hinge. I don’t need this kind of negativity in my life.

Harvey eyed the banana sandwich suspiciously.

I suppose he eyes everything like that since he’s a stuffed animal.

I squashed the bun back together and took a big bite.

I am happy to report that it tasted fine. Good, even. There’s nothing bad about a classic peanut butter and jelly sandwich plus a banana. Unless you are deathly allergic to any of these ingredients, in which case, it’s poison to you and I cannot recommend you eat one.

It is a little weird having to tilt your head while eating a banana in this format, but I am glad I now know that this is a good way to use up hot dog buns before they go stale.

You knew I was going to try this with a hot dog, right?

This is now the seventh time I’ve featured hot dogs on Food is Stupid. These things will never stop being funny to me. They’re called wieners, people think they’re made of hog assholes, and they’re shaped like tubes. Despite all of this, people across the globe house hot dogs like there’s no tomorrow. You’re looking at a leftover Oscar Mayer Smokie from a subscriber’s only post about charring hot dogs in a microwave using a Hot Pocket sleeve.

I imagined this would have been okay, except there was one big problem: Because I was feeling lazy, I ate the hot dog straight out of the refrigerator.

The microwave was two feet away from me and I did this. It didn’t have to be this way. This was my own fault. Cold hot dogs are mealy, and the presence of the cold meat next to room temperature peanut butter and jelly (which were a little chilly on their own already) made everything a strange uniform pasty texture that coated the inside of my mouth. I should have known better, but yet, I insisted.

Next time, I’ll heat up the hot dog. Notice I said, “next time.” That’s not just a threat, it’s a promise.

For my final version of this experiment, I thought I’d use a different weiner-shaped foodstuff filled with blood that is not in fact, a schlong.

This is called sundae (or sometimes spelled soondae). It’s a Korean blood sausage (again, not a schlong), that’s filled with a mixture of blood and something starchy like rice or noodles, to keep everything together. For some it’s an acquired taste, due to obvious reasons, but overall this stuff makes a pretty easy snack with beer. I wouldn’t say that sundae has a particularly strong flavor; it tastes sort of mineral-like and is served with a side of chili salt for dipping.

Sundae is also pre-sliced into coins, so the end result isn’t quite as vulgar-looking as I would have hoped, but whatever.

This is a peanut blooder and jelly sandwich anyway. I can’t ask for much more than that.

Well, the flavor was delicious at least.

Sundae isn’t as rich as other blood sausages like morcilla, since there’s so much starchy filler in it. The issue is, all that rice makes sundae terribly dry and sometimes rubbery, which is why it pairs so well with beer. Blending that dryness with peanut butter is enough to turn a bite into a gummed-up mouthful, and soon you’ll find yourself crawling along the floor begging the next person you see for water. Or, if you’re me, you can just drink some straight out of the cat’s water fountain while they stare at you.

So, there you have it. The peanut blooder and jelly sandwich!

Stay tuned for the next edition for paid subscribers, everyone: The Sundae Bloody Sundae.

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Hey, let’s thank Kimmi for this week’s inspiration for Food is Stupid! Don’t forget to share the newsletter on social media—by the herculean click of a finger, you’re helping the newsletter reach new heights weekly.

And of course, don’t forget to sign up for a paid subscription if you haven’t already. Help support the newsletter by getting a shiny and deluxe version—you’ll get extra special editions every month, just for you, and you’ll unlock access to the full archives at foodisstupid.substack.com.

Like I said, prepare yourselves for the Sundae Bloody Sundae later this week.

Oh yeah, and you can give the gift that keeps on giving since it’s the holidays. AKA, me. Gift subscriptions are a thing.

Okay, that’s enough promotion for now, I know, it gets tedious. As always, I love you all, and see some of you in your inboxes soon. Hope you’re having a good day.

If you’re not, here’s something that’ll make it much better.