Lemon-lime pepper wings

electrolyte chicken

Hi, clowns!

First of all, sorry about the radio silence. Long story short, I’ve been dealing with a mysterious health issue that eventually turned into a full-on emergency room visit. Good news is, all the no-fun tests I’ve taken seem to indicate there’s nothing wrong with me (phew), but now I’m dealing with a chronic pain issue that hasn’t been resolved yet.

Unfortunately, the pain’s sort of interrupted my life, so I’m trying to gather my marbles and get back to writing as best as I can. And no, I don’t think it had anything to do with that Shotgun Chicken I made for the most recent installment of the newsletter. Thank you guys for being patient, and boy, I can’t wait to receive those medical bills.

Second of all, welcome to all of you who found the newsletter though that fun piece my friend

Danny Palumbo

wrote at Slate! Man, if you’re new to Food is Stupid, expect a lot of bunghole commentary. It’s really my culinary specialty. You have over five years of writing to catch up on, so you can find out for yourselves as you peruse through the archives.

What’s cool about today’s edition of the newsletter is that I somehow managed to find inspiration in something I was drinking when I wasn’t feeling so good.

I’d received a free PR sample of this weird lemon-lime electrolyte mix called SPORT DRINK (weird capital letters and all). Right when I was feeling at my worst and not eating much, I noticed I was getting dehydrated quickly. I didn’t have the energy to go out and get more Gatorade, nor did I feel like paying out the ass for delivered groceries. That’s when I finally remembered I had this shit sitting on the counter and fixed myself a glass.

SPORT DRINK, is, uh, interesting. It’s fizzy, salty, and sort of vitamin-like, and it’s definitely not going to win any blue ribbons for taste tests. But that salty lemon-lime flavor sorta stuck in the back of my mind, and during a moment of clarity — something came to me.

In order to cheer myself up, I had been thinking about some of my favorite foods to eat for when my appetite came back (which it eventually has, though slowly). And when my hunger would peek through now and again, I would think about things to munch on, like chicken wings. As I sipped on this goofy salty drink mix, I had an idea.

People like dry-rubbed lemon pepper wings, myself included. Since this SPORT DRINK shit had a fuckton of salt in it (41% of your daily recommended intake per serving!), perhaps I could use it to make those very wings. All I’d really need to do is add a lot of black pepper. Not only would these wings serve as a comfort food for me, but they would also replenish my rapidly diminishing electrolytes! And as you know, I’m a big fan of functional electrolyte cooking.

So could I, Dannis Ree, the greatest food writer in all of history, make lemon-lime SPORT DRINK chicken wings work?

And before I continue, no, this isn’t a sponsored post or anything. The newsletter is still a reader-supported endeavor, and if you guys all signed up for a paid subscription you’d change my life.

That being said, SPORT DRINK, I am holding your product hostage. I will start talking some severe shit in seven days if you do not wire me, let’s say, a mere $2 million, which should cover my medical bills and a down payment on a busted-up shack in the Hamptons. This is a win-win situation for me.

Basically, all I’d need would be some wings, SPORT DRINK, black pepper, baking powder (more on that in a bit), and a bit of butter to adhere some additional drink mix to the chicken.

I have to give a shoutout to my local grocery store, Cermak Fresh Market, for having packages of chicken wings that are exclusively flats or drums.

Flats are my favorite part of the wing, mostly because they’re more skin than anything else, and let’s be real, the skin is really why we eat these things. You drum fans are degenerates. Plus, that aerodynamic flat shape ensures a smooth yet tapered entry when you lovingly cram them up your ass.

In order to get the crispiest skin on the wings, which I would eventually air fry, I’d want them to be as dry as possible first.

So I dabbed off as much moisture as I could, using some paper towels.

Then, I tossed them in some of the SPORT DRINK lemon-lime-flavored powder.

Why is lemon-lime such a popular flavor for electrolyte beverages? I’m lobbying for a roast beef-flavored drink instead. Major brands, please contact me for more ideas. I will earn you negative moneys.

After sprinkling the powder mix onto the wings, I blanketed them in a bunch of freshly cracked black pepper too.

If you know anything about home cooking, it is that you must always use freshly cracked black pepper. That is because if you do not, food writers from across the globe will travel back in time and prevent you from being born. You don’t want to know what happens if you piss off a TikTok influencer.

Next, I added a bit of baking powder, which crisps up the wings later.

I do not claim to understand the science behind this. From what I gather, the flim-flam molecules line up with the jim-jam molecules, they make babies, and suddenly your wings are crisp. Go bother my friend Kenji about it instead, I’m sure he has a better response for you than just “magic?”

I tossed everything together using my hands, and put it in a Tupperware container to sit in the fridge for a while.

I did notice something odd, however. The mixture had foamed up quite a bit, and though I hadn’t really thought about how lightly fizzy the SPORT DRINK was when I originally drank it, I had a sneaking suspicion I had missed something.

Looking over the ingredients list for the drink mix, I realized it had sodium bicarbonate in it, aka, baking soda. So not only did I toss my wings in baking powder, I accidentally did it in baking soda too. Whoops. I might have accidentally made soapy-tasting wings. They also smelled like lemon-scented floor cleaner, which I thought was pretty cool.

Some hours later, when I pulled them out, I noticed the salt from the drink mix had drawn some moisture out of the chicken.

I briefly considered taking a shot of this hydrating chicken juice, but ultimately decided I did not want a second trip to the emergency room, though that would have been a fun story to tell the staff.

Into the countertop the flats went.

As the wings were roasting, I prepared some lemon-lime pepper butter as a final touch.

All I did was melt a stick of butter, crack some black pepper into it, and then I sprinkled plenty of SPORT DRINK mix on top.

Once I stirred it all together, the baking soda again did its thing, making the butter foamy.

Man, I could get away with calling this SPORT DRINK “espuma,” and put it on a whimsical fine dining tasting menu someday. I think it will be the only item on the menu, but I will be able to charge a wild amount of money for it. Alinea, if you steal my idea, I’m coming for you with my lawyers, who also happen to be our two cats, Scorpion and Sub-Zero.

I didn’t actually have a time in mind for the wings in the air fryer, and had nearly forgotten about them.

But a good reminder that you’re cooking something is the presence of smoke, so when I started smelling some, I ran over to the countertop oven with tears streaming down my face. Thankfully, the wings came out perfectly roasted, otherwise today’s newsletter would have tasted like disappointment.

I tossed the wings in the foamy lemon-lime pepper butter, and then I got to finishing everything else up, like chopping up superfluous celery spears that you can barely see in the finished photo.

When we were out shopping for wing accoutrements, I asked Davida about what would be the most hydrating form of dressing to dip the chicken in.

We looked at the shelf together and she immediately spied this bottle of cucumber ranch. Cucumber is obviously the most refreshing vegetable (okay, technically it’s a fruit, hop off my ass), so this was a perfect choice.

Lemon-lime pepper electrolyte wings? Cucumber ranch? Who needs water when you have these things?

The SPORT DRINK wings looked good (though another two minutes and they’d have been actual toast), and smelled even better.

And the gang was happy to be back out sitting on the kitchen island, too, even though they wouldn’t be caught dead admitting this.

And incredibly, the wings weren’t just good, they were fucking great.

Honestly, they could have used more than the tablespoon of SPORT DRINK powder I’d coated them with; they could possibly have tolerated up to double that amount for the pound and a half of wings I’d roasted off. The lemony flavor was subtle but not irritating, they had salt but weren’t too salty, and the black pepper was just right. That soapy flavor I’d been worried about with both the baking soda and baking powder didn’t seem to be an issue whatsoever, either.

I tried the wings with the Kraft cucumber ranch next.

Hmm. I am not sure how I feel about this stuff, since it’s weirdly sweet, and doesn’t taste too much like cucumber. What’s fascinating is that there is actual cucumber juice in its ingredients list, however, and you can actually see bits of pulverized flesh in the dressing. That being said, SPORT DRINK wings and cucumber ranch aren’t a bad pairing, and I ate a bunch more wings dipped into the stuff later.

Once I told Davida how good these things were, she came into the kitchen with a hesitant look on her face. After her first bite she looked at me and said, “Fuck yes.”

Heh. I never thought I’d be cooking chicken wings with an electrolyte beverage powder that has an irreverent ALL CAPITAL LETTER NAME, but here we are today. Frankly, I’d rather be eating the powder on chicken and dunking it in ranch rather than drinking it, because that’s kind of a hilarious way to get it in your system to keep the room from spinning.

Don’t worry, everyone.

Next time I’ll totally buttchug it. Imagine that trip to the emergency room.

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I’m still working on the mysterious health thing, but I’m in better spirits than I was in the past few weeks, so just hang tight if things get a little spotty for a bit.

As always, I love you all, and I’ll do my best to hop into your inboxes again next week.