Dognog: Merry Christmas from hell
Well...more like Christmas purgatory. Is that a thing?
Happy holidays, chuckleheads!
You guys keep signing up for the newsletter in droves. Hello, new people. Get ready to be repulsed on a regular basis.
First of all, everyone, thank you for all the support. When I decided to continue driving my food writing career off a cliff after my three year-long stint at my old digs, The Pizzle, I had no idea anybody would want to keep reading my horseshit. Turns out I was wrong. Dead wrong. Dead. Death. Farts.
You’re all amazing and also you all should be ashamed of yourselves (in a good way).
Last week, we made White Russians out of kitten formula.
While Davida and I were doing that, we were mulling over what to do with this other can of puppy milk replacer that I picked up at the pet store.
“How about eggdog?” I said.
Davida shouted, “DOGNOG!”
Dognog.
What the fuck.
I cracked that dogmilk open with pure glee.
See the dog with the beady eyes, thirstily staring at the glass? I do not know this dog personally. Davida also does not know the dog personally. She gets a holiday card, yearly, from some random place her dad worked at for like five minutes several years ago. This dog was on the card.
I sniffed the glass of milk and said, “Oh, no.”
I took a sip.
I said, “Oh, no.”
I handed the glass to Davida, who cautiously sniffed it. “Well, I’m done with this one.”
I can’t. For the first time in forever, I finally had to say no. The kitten milk was like the nectar of the gods in comparison to this salty, rancid-ass bullshit. You know that wet dog smell? This was wet dog smell and dog breath condensed into a beverage that I just couldn’t handle. I am weirdly happy that I’ve found some sort of boundary for my culinary tolerance. But you know that someday I’m going to try this again.
For now, I must drink sip on a large warm mug of failure, which from a culinary standpoint, tastes like pee.
The idea of Dognog is the best idea known to mankind, thanks to Davida. However, the taste of dogmilk is total garbage.
We tried. We tried.
I decided, instead, to open some presents that my friend and reader Dam, sent me from Thailand.
(My mouth is healing now, by the way. I can eat solid food. Thank you guys for checking in.)
It’s the holiday spirit, you know? Nothing better than opening some presents, then starting a shrine to ol’ Beady-Eye Dog in the background, judging us.
Out of all the items Dam sent, he was semi-concerned about this hot dog bun since the package was stuck in customs for a month and a half.
Modern food technology is amazing, because the bun came out intact. It wasn’t even dinged up.
When I initially looked at the packaging, I thought this was just something shaped like a hot dog bun, and filled with orange marmalade and cream.
Turns out it was an actual hot dog bun! If I’d been prepared, I’d have stuffed an actual hot dog into this bad boy.
This was very good and not stale at all, despite being dry-aged by the post office. The bun was soft and sweet, sort of like brioche, and the orange marmalade was really pleasant with the Twinkie-like cream. Mentally, I resigned myself into thinking it might be strange, but I had to remind myself that a hot dog bun is just bread. Bread, cream, jam.
Speaking of, do you know what the difference is between jam and marmalade?
I can’t marmalade a hot dog bun up my own ass.
Now that we’re on the subject of stuffed buns, check out this box of Chocolate-filled Colons.
Collons. I meant collons. These you can get at a lot of Asian grocery stores in the snack aisle since they’re pretty popular. I mean, who doesn’t like a chocolate-filled colon?
Collon. I meant collon.
Davida said, “This tastes like those pirouette cookies.”
They really do. I would imagine they’d taste great with a big fat glass of Dognog, but…
Fuuuuuuuck that.
Happy holidays, everyone, from the entire cast and crew of Food is Stupid! Spread joy like you’d spread an airborne pathogen.
Last thing. You know the button. Yeah, yeah yeah. At least think about it.