Good afternoon, meatbags!
So you know how I’m undergoing dental work, per my last post?
I’m slowly getting better and I’ve been eating like a normal human being now (until Thursday, when I get more stuff done, then I will resume a diet of gruel and misery).
I was afraid that I wasn’t going to be able to post anything, but I forgot the one category of ingestibles that I can happily partake in: beverages! Not all of life is a pit of despair, just most of it.
The other week Davida and I were at the pet store looking for stuff for Cricket. Cricket is a cat. She is very small and soft and likes to be held. As we were browsing, we stumbled upon the cat medicine section, and we discovered the existence of something marvelous.
In a box.
Begging to be used.
“Dannis Ree,” said Davida, in a booming voice, channeling God. “You know what must be done. You must be the hero the world deserves. You must make an alcoholic beverage, probably something your dentist would not recommend during the healing process of your mouth hole region. You must do that using cat juice. This will rip a hole in space and time and create a portal to Heaven. You may enter and cause a lot of mayhem, then get kicked back out. Like a fuckface.”
If you graduated kindergarten, you will probably have surmised that none of this dialogue took place. But as with all of the best ideas, this one came from Davida, who is hilarious and could probably whoop my ass in a rap battle. Rap rap rap, rap battle, yeah, rap rap!
Now this, this is rap.
I can’t believe I bought a whole carton. This shit is expensive.
Some of the label is in French! This means French cats enjoy cat milk too.
Ah, my favorite four words.
Nobody tells me what to do.
Nobody puts baby in the corner.
A White Russian is very easy to make.
There’s only three ingredients: coffee liqueur, vodka, and cream.
We went with the ol’ standby, Kahlua, and Svedka vodka. A cool fact about Svedka is that they use it during the manufacturing process of rat poison. Actually I just made that up. Svedka is the kind of vodka you buy when you want to get drunk, but like, angry drunk.
And instead of fresh cream, as you’ve already seen, we’re going with cat milk. What a whimsical twist on the original! Oh, the joys of whimsy. My asshole is full of it.
So what does cat juice taste like?
The odd thing, right off the bat, is that it’s a little salty. It tastes mostly like salty evaporated milk. After you swallow it, you’ll be left with what I can only describe as a filmy texture in your mouth. Then the aftertaste is sort of cat foody. Next time I’m around a pregnant cat I’m going to try some straight from the tap and I’ll report back.
I handed the glass to Davida, who looked at it and said, “This doesn’t smell like anything.” Then she looked at me and said, “This is so stupid.”
After her first sip, she thought for moment and said, “It tastes like dog food. It tastes like pancake batter for dogs. Remember in Red Dead Redemption 2 when the horse had nuts?”
Dennis: Cat foody.
Davida: Dog foody.
There’s only three ingredients. You cannot fuck up a White Russian.
If you mix the Kahlua and floor cleaner in the glass before you pour in the cat milk, you’ll get a cool separation of layers.
One time when I was in college, my dorm room neighbor busted into my room with a cup.
“Dennis, you have to try this. It’s so good.”
I suspiciously looked at the cup, then I took a sip. Then I got pissed. “What the fuck is this?”
“It’s a White Russian! I used non-dairy coffee creamer instead because I didn’t have milk. Isn’t it awesome?”
The moral of the story is, please do not let people bust into your room with vile beverages. Also that dude smoked a ton of weed.
To mix the White Russian up, Davida grabbed a chopstick from the chopstick drawer dedicated to chopsticks.
Then she prodded Cricket with it, who immediately decided this was a game of “Eat the Chopstick.” Davida and I play that game a lot.
The animal in this photo was not harmed and the chopstick in this photo was not used for the stirring of the drink.
I don’t know how to describe this guy. Nugget is very quiet. He often stares at the wall for long periods of time. He also likes to look up at the ceiling and yowl his high-pitched meow. And his hobby is breaking off our blinds so he can look outside while we yell, “Nugget, stop it!”
This is the stirred cocktail.
Looks like a regular White Russian to me!
I’d drink a whole glass of cat milk White Russian. It’s genuinely good. It’s rich, but not too fatty, and it feels oddly nourishing at the same time. And that final hint of salt makes the whole thing taste really robust. I hate myself.
After Davida’s first sip, she said, “I like it. Because you know what? Think about it. You said the cat milk was salty, and some people add salt to their coffee. Maybe there’s something to that.”
Then she frantically ran over to her laptop, and shouted, “Alton Brown does it! He says it helps take the bitterness out.”
Cricket is a kitten.
She’s 10, but will always be my kitten. So, she got a taste of the plain cat juice. She drank a dainty portion and walked away.
On the other hand, the beast Nugget, drank this shit like it there was no tomorrow.
His tongue turned into a turbine of milk consumption. But he didn’t gorge, he also had a reasonable portion and walked off.
This is just a normal cozy night in our household, playing video games, playing with the cats, and drinking White Russians made with cat milk replacer.
Now please excuse me, I have to step into Heaven to cause some mayhem.
Next post, for paying subscribers (thank you, thank you), is something related. The hint is below. We’ll also break into the snack box Dam sent us.
As usual, if you’re not a paid subscriber I’d really love it if you shared this on social media. Twitter went apeshit over my post about Beef Tingler, so I guess I have the foul beverage thing down.