36 Comments
User's avatar
Ariel's avatar

So much mayo. Painful. At first I was confusing Miracle Whip with like fake whipped cream and I was like that's not bad! Then I realized. I am so sad. SO SAD. Love you anyway. Did the cats go insane? I feel like salmon in milk is....their dream?

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m sailor's avatar

I also refused to process that anyone would put miracle whip on a banana and kept reading it as "cool whip," thinking it sounded gross but not...inedible. Horrors abound.

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Alexis's avatar

I rent a house in the town where andouillette comes from (Troyes, France), and it is a well-known gastronomical treat! No doodoo involved, unless you count the big intestine it is stuffed in! I really want to send you a package of it for Xmas if I can get them past the sniffers at Logan Airport, and then you too can belong to the AAAAA (the Amicable Association of Amateurs of Authentic Andouillette). I swear this is a real thing!

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Dennis Lee's avatar

I 100% believe it's a real thing and I bet the people who love it get REAL touchy about it. But...I don't think it'd make it past the sniffers.

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Arjun Basu's avatar

"Speaking of nutted bananas, my next choice was something indelicately called “jizz grapes.” I imagine that sound I heard just now was half of you spitting out your water."

- Is this a real paragraph or a magic portal to another dimension?

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Neurozach's avatar

Yes.

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Cara Roxanne's avatar

Drinking the microwaved poaching milk is diabolical, Dennis.

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Neurozach's avatar

Salmon(ellaellaella)tine

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Beebe Sharkey's avatar

Impressed by the variety of “creams” in this menu.

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Dennis Lee's avatar

Probably could have used another to make it a trilogy!!!

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m sailor's avatar

Ah, yes, The Forbidden Tres Leches

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Kate Walker's avatar

I am waiting at the doctor's and MY GOD the jizz grape giggles are getting some looks...

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Kate Walker's avatar

Also I'm going to find a way to get you andouillette before the next festival season. Will utterly RUIN your Epiphany/Easter/Eid/etc.

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Rick's avatar

The banana croquettes sound like a holdover from the great depression. Hold onto that one, as it's approaching quick in the rear view mirror. Break out the jello molds and shitty 70s/80s recipes and hold on.

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Dennis Lee's avatar

Man...I wish this didn't feel so spot-on right now.

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Sheila (of Ephemera)'s avatar

OK, that was one of the funniest articles I’ve read in a long time! I could not stop laughing over the Jizz grapes! Thank you for your supreme sacrifice and actually trying these dishes.😆💕

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Dennis Lee's avatar

I'm glad I could get you to laugh through my jizz grape pain. Life is hell

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Bonnie Canelakes's avatar

When I’m feeling lazy, milked mic’d salmon at 7:00 is my new go to. Maybe a little less milk (and some seasoning b/c I am not Dennis 🤡). Damn this is not the place I ever thought I’d find a recipe I could actually USE! Happy Holidays to you’z clowns there on the East Coast!!!

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tom's avatar

i love you uncle ed, never should have doubted you <3

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Mary G's avatar

Would using Miracle Whip instead of mayo with the grapes be more successful? (can't believe I typed this with a straight face)

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Dennis Lee's avatar

ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT!!! Man, maybe with pieces of bacon?!

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Dennis Lee's avatar

Oh wait but no marshmallows

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Ellen Anne Chong's avatar

Miracle Whip is an abomination created by the Industrial Food Complex. Ewwww. That said, I can see where anyone who actually likes Miracle Whip (again, ewwwww!) might enjoy consuming this banana concoction. Maybe freeze it for a summertime treat? Does Miracle Whip freeze well? Oh, gross. Thanks for the entertaining and thoughtful read Dennis.

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m sailor's avatar

Oh, definitely not. I grew up with miracle whip (not mayo), and the thought of it on a banana makes me gag.

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Neurozach's avatar

Holy shit, I warranted a comment! And you added the banana croquettes to the jizz grapes (sort of)! I just found this recipe on the Duke’s Mayonnaise website: https://dukesmayo.com/blogs/recipes/grape-dessert-salad

Glad you didn’t go for the full 18 minutes. Maybe you would have avoided the milk skin by adding a cartouche?

Now I want you to tackle pop culture meals. I think the only place to start would be with Kosmo Kramer’s bathtub meal.

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Caecilie's avatar

Thanks for the shout-out! Never realized that they were not just insulting everyone's taste buds but also a whole nation 😅

Additional fun fact:, no one in this family ever eats sunflower seeds, but there's always a big bag sitting in the cupboard to make this salad...

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Joan Arkham's avatar

“An unforgettable side dish,” indeed.

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Ken Miura's avatar

The Jizz Grapes might be Ambrosia Salad.

This was madness. Like how to basic, but intellectual. I will be back for more.

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Dennis Lee's avatar

That might be the highest compliment I've ever gotten. I'm excited for you, once people come really check out the archives (about half are free, if not more, including the best stuff), they binge like crazy. Have fun!

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Ken Miura's avatar

Oh, I will. I will have so much fun. You've got something great in you, and I wish your cup runneth over.

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