Dummy bears

now in a brand new meat flavor!

Guten tag, clowns!

Today we move into slightly new territory. For me, at least. Because I think this is the first time I’ve ever delved into making candy for the newsletter. I have cooked with candy plenty of times, like the time I pulled that stunt off-site at an actual pizzeria and made candy corn pizza (which was a huge success). But I’ve never particularly been interested in making candy.

Until today.

The other week Davida and I were traipsing around at a mall, holding hands and skipping through the crowds, when we stopped in a glittery hyper-colored shop called IT’SUGAR. It’s a candy shop that is a complete assault on your senses, with all sorts of in-your-face packaging. Plus, dear God, the smell. If you could experience a second-hand sugar high through the air, it would be at IT’SUGAR.

As we elbowed a bunch of children in the face in order to ogle the shelves, we stumbled upon a funny little box.

It was a DIY gummy bear kit.

Apparently, you can make your own gummy bears at home using this thing.

I guess this all makes sense. Gummy bears are basically just a bunch of sugar bound together with gelatin, which was a concept I hadn’t actively considered.

So what would stop me from making a horrendous flavor? I thought of many different types of gummy bear possibilities, such as instant ramen gummy bears, pasta water gummy bears, hot dog water gummy bears. That’s when I had it: I could make baby food gummy bears. But the meat kind.

Meet the Meat Gummy Bears.

The kit contained only a few things: a gummy bear mold, a food-grade pipette, unflavored gelatin powder, and flavored gelatin powder.

The instructions are pretty easy. All you have to do is mix the two powders with some water, microwave the sludge, pipe the gummy liquid into the molds, and let the little bears set for 20 minutes in the fridge.

They pull that sort of shit at Alinea, why couldn’t I?!

I have to admit, the process is pretty entertaining, even if there’s not a whole lot involved.

I mean, look at those tiny little bear molds! How would that not be fun for a 41-year-old manchild like me who plays with stuffed animals all the time?!

Fast forward after 20 minutes in the fridge, and yup, I had a little army of cherry-flavored gummy bears in my kitchen.

They’re essentially made with Jell-O mix, so this is a flavor you’ve had at some point in your life. Homemade gummy bears melt away in your mouth a little easier than the store-bought kind, which have a slightly different ingredient set (with glucose syrup as the main sweetener), but these were unmistakably gummy bears.

I didn’t quite have a scientific battle plan when it came to the baby food version.

The IT’SUGAR box said to use flavored gelatin mix (such as Jell-O) combined with the unflavored stuff, in order to make more on your own. So I purchased a bunch of Knox unflavored gelatin at the grocery store.

I took a fat spoonful of the pureed chicken baby food, mixed it with two tablespoons of water, and an entire 0.25 ounce packet of Knox unflavored gelatin powder.

Then I microwaved it for 30 seconds, stirred it up, microwaved it for another 30 seconds, and let it cool off for a few minutes (it had started boiling) before I whipped out the pipette again.

Davida said, “It smells really weird in here right now.”

The cats had a different opinion. They were frantically wandering around, trying to figure out where the delicious microwaved chicken baby food aroma was coming from. Obviously they have superior taste. They understand me.

This liquid was as thick as the stuff I made for the cherry-flavored gummy bears, so I had a feeling that I was on the right track.

It was a pale viscous slightly tan color and had a savory smell, though it had only the faintest hint of meatiness to it. Baby food is literally just food pureed into a paste with a touch of water and cornstarch for thickening (so no seasoning for delicate babies). Since babies aren’t allowed to have sugar, I didn’t add any on purpose.

Okay, so maybe I forgot to add sugar.

After a 20 minute rest in the refrigerator, the baby food gummy bears had set right up.

In fact, they were even firmer than the last batch, which was pretty impressive. It’s ironic thinking I turned baby food into a choking hazard, which I’ll chalk up to my effortless genius. After I started laughing at them in the kitchen, Davida immediately said, without looking up, “I’m not trying them.”

I popped one in my mouth and started chewing.

A grin immediately crept across my face. It was in fact a meaty gummy bear, and that fact sort of fucked me up. It tasted like unseasoned chicken broth, and the lack of seasoning positioned the meat flavor front and center, but subtly so. It was a gentle meat, so to speak.

I sliced one of the baby food gummy bears in half and shouted at the cats to come over.

Scorpion, the stupid one, came galloping over like a horse. He sniffed the gummy bear and started getting all sorts of riled up. I could tell he couldn’t quite understand the gummy texture by the weird way he was chewing, but he hoovered that thing down in half a second.

I visited his sister Sub-Zero, who was on the cat tree. She also inhaled the gummy bear and didn’t quite understand the texture either, and suddenly neither cat would leave me alone. Their enthusiasm was infectious, so I helped myself to another and immediately started laughing again.

Too bad I hadn’t thought of this in time for Halloween.

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Good thing my friend Jim did, however. He made gummy skulls to put on a black hot dog this past Halloween. He gets it.

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That being said, if you all have any ideas for more dummy bears, sound off in the comments ASAP. You might just see your idea in Friday’s newsletter.

As always, I love you all. You’re the best clowns ever. I’ll hop into some of your inboxes on Friday morning.