Can you use spray cheese as moisturizer?

let's make your dry skin delicious

Happy New Year, clowns!

Here is where is where I’m supposed to insert an obligatory joke about not forgetting to to write “2023” on your checks. This ancient joke, which we can trace all the way back to the Mesopotamians, is probably only funny to older people, centuries-old vampires, and landlords.

I don’t have a ton of New Year’s sentiment to spout off this year. My sole wish for you all is that 2023 does not punt you in the goodies. I have no doubt that good things are already in store for you, so let’s hope that 2023 keeps any bullshit to a bare minimum.

Now, the country recently went through a pretty brutal cold spell along with some nasty snow.

We experienced it hunkered down with Davida’s family over the holidays, and it was not very fun. Those low temperatures are always accompanied by dry air, which is hell for my hands. The backs of them are prone to dry patches and cracking; it’s painful and also pretty gross, since it makes me look like a reptile. That means I must remember to use lotion on them, which is something I am only reminded of when my hands are bleeding and it is too late.

I was standing around in the kitchen eating crackers and knock-off Easy Cheese, when I stared at the bottle and had an idea. Could spray cheese be a multitasker by nourishing you with valuable nutrition, and be used as a skin product at the same time?

Fortunately, Davida is a skincare enthusiast, so I asked her what she thought.

She considered the idea carefully and said, “I think it’s possible, in a pinch. But I wouldn’t recommend it, because it’s gross. And since it’s not designed with moisturizing in mind, it might not be the easiest to use ‘off label.’”

She paused for a second, thinking about the words that just came out of her mouth. “Using Cheez-Wiz ‘off label,’” she repeated, looking off into the distance.

I interpreted her words in my head and basically heard, “Yes, Dannis Ree, you should moisturize your skin with spray cheese because you are a genius and you only have very good ideas.”

I asked her if she could examine the lotions and creams we keep in the bathroom in order to see which one was most comparable to the spray cheese.

I’d put conventional moisturizer on one hand, and knockoff Aldi store brand spray cheese on the other, to see if there was a significant difference. This is how science is conducted, right?

After looking at the ingredients in a few of them, she settled on CeraVe moisturizing cream.

“This one has xanthan gum in it. There’s xanthan gum in the spray cheese. Also this one has cholesterol in it. I’d try this one.” So those of you who are watching your cholesterol intake, keep that in mind, next time you’re slathering your toast with CeraVe moisturizing cream.

Aldi’s knock-off easy cheese is called “Say Cheese!” which is kind of cute.

Here’s my mini review of it: It’s not as good as brand-name Easy Cheese. The stuff is great if you want to save money (Easy Cheese is very expensive for some reason), but it just doesn’t taste quite the same when you brush your teeth with it.

I do have to say that it does sport a pretty impressive cheese plug boner, though.

This part is known as a repulsive delicacy in my kitchen.

I started by putting the CeraVe moisturizer on one hand as a control.

I may not exactly be a skincare expert, but this stuff does tend to do the trick for me.

Congratulations to me, I’m now a skincare influencer! The CeraVe pump dispenser is also ideal for when I want to apply lotion directly to a hot dog, which I like to call, a “Dannis Ree-style hot dog.” Be on the lookout for that trend to hit hot dog stands this year.

I applied the spray cheese to my right hand, which felt very interesting.

It was very cold, but it certainly felt somewhat promising. Spray cheese does have a lotion-like texture to it, which is something I never thought I’d ever say.

I gave it a good lather all over the back of my hand.

The tangy smell of cheese filled the air, which was something I hadn’t thought about. That smell followed me around, and when I started making hand gestures as I was talking to Davida, an unexpected side effect occurred.

The cats whipped themselves up into a frenzy and started following me around the kitchen.

I let them have a sniff, which was a bad idea, because they wouldn’t stop harassing me after that. Also, you get a bonus foot pic, which most people pay for on a secret Substack account of mine that I don’t like to talk about.

After about 10 minutes, the spray cheese had either absorbed itself into my skin, or basically just evaporated.

That seemed kind of lotiony to me, as the CeraVe moisturizer had all-but disappeared on my left hand already. Perhaps there was something to this. So I went about my afternoon, and did a little work on my laptop.

After some time I looked down at my keyboard.

To my horror, my hands appeared to have a severe case of dandruff and my skin seemed to be flaking off. Upon closer inspection, however, it was dried flakes of spray cheese that were now getting into the cracks of my keyboard. Now there’s parts of this experiment permanently embedded in the very computer I use to write this newsletter.

After over an hour, I was getting a little tired of the cheese smell and all the flakes, so I decided to rinse off my hand.

Notice I said, “rinse,” and not “wash.” If there was any moisturizing effect from the spray cheese, I wanted to keep it on my skin for a little while. Soap would clean off all the fat, which would do the opposite of keeping my hand in good shape. And to my surprise, after I dried it off (I still faintly smelled like cheese), I found that it felt soft and supple.

Just to double check, I went over to Davida and asked her to feel my hand. “It feels soft to me,” I said, and shoved my hand in her face.

The first thing she did was sniff it, which is a new milestone in our relationship. Then she felt my skin, and with a surprised look, said “Yeah!”

Wow. I’ve started off this year with a revolutionary discovery, because I am the greatest food writer in all of history. Before you know it, everyone will be walking around with spray cheese face masks on, keep bottles of it in their purses, and store some in their bathrooms all across the world. Hell, I’ll even keep a spare bottle of it in my ass for an emergency.

Welcome to 2023, everyone, the year of spray cheese.

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I’ve missed you clowns so much.

If you’ve got a sec, mind sharing the newsletter on social media? I basically want every single person in the world to start slathering spray cheese all over themselves. Imagine the smell. And all the weird TikTok videos.

And of course, new year, new you. Don’t forget to upgrade your subscription to the newsletter. The paid version comes with extra exclusive editions, and unlocks access to the full archives (yes, all of them) via foodisstupid.substack.com. Imagine all the extra fucking around you’ve been missing out on, it’s finally time to catch up.

Oh, and here’s an Easter egg, if you’ve made it this far. (It’s related to today’s edition.)

As always, I love you all, and I’ll hop into your inboxes soon. Now to get rid of these cheese flakes in my keyboard.