American hot pot

hot pot...but with less flavor

Oi, clowns!

Welcome to this week’s edition of the newsletter. Some of you might have noticed that I didn’t write last week, and that is because we went on a last minute vacation to Door County, Wisconsin. It might have only been a few short days, but it was the first time Davida and I have been out of town for vacation in years. It felt good to be out of the city for a bit, and I’d forgotten how nice it was to be far away for a little while.

We went up with my sister, brother-in-law, and my baby niece. There was hiking, and we ate pretty well; I ended up cooking a few of the meals and managed not to poison the whole family. The coolest part of the trip was when I got pulled over by a cop for driving slightly over the speed limit, but once the police officer saw it was I, Dannis Ree, the greatest food writer in all of history, I got off with a warning.

Okay, maybe the officer didn’t know who I was, but I’d like to think that’s why I got off. Anyway, we’re back and I am recharged and ready to shove stuff up my ass.

dickholedannis

A post shared by Dennis Lee (@dickholedannis)

Last weekend, Davida and I decided to treat ourselves to a nice meal of hot pot.

We went to a place called Chengdu Aroma here in Chicago, and basically what I’m trying to say is that it ruled. This is only the second time in my life that I’ve ever had proper hot pot, but I have to say, it was very delicious. I wish I had it every day.

The experience of hot pot is very fun and interactive. You dip all sorts of cool stuff into a delicious boiling broth, fish it out once it’s been cooked, and put it in your hole of choice.

That got me to thinking, though, how come this isn’t a more popular way to eat? It’s interactive, fun, and obviously, it tastes good. However, for many Americans, traditional hot pot has too much delicious flavor. So I thought to myself, is there a way I could bring this method of cooking to the masses, for those that dislike scrumptious cuisine?

Then, I had it: I could take the most inoffensive foods to the typical American palate, like hot dogs, cheeseburgers, green beans, and macaroni, and see if I could cook them using the hot pot method.

After that, I could claim complete ownership of this style of cooking. Then I would start a whole restaurant chain focused on groups of people hunched around a single cooking device, breathing heavily into each other’s faces, which is a perfect activity during an airborne pandemic.

One classic American pastime is being constantly afraid of not having enough money to survive. I unwillingly partake in this pastime, so to counteract these fears, I purchased all these ingredients at Aldi, which is the greatest, most affordable place on earth.

For my main cooking liquid, I decided to use chicken noodle soup, which is arguably the most beloved soup in America.

It’s fine, I guess. That is because it doesn’t upset anyone by punching you in the mouth with flavor. This is why it’s a perfect base for today’s experiment.

Hot dogs are a good choice of meat for American hot pot, because even though people don’t know what goes in them, we still eat them with reckless abandon.

That’s the definition of a true crowd pleaser.

Then, I chopped up a classic American treat, a McDonald’s cheeseburger, into little squares.

For some reason, slicing a cheeseburger up like this felt like an act of violence. It was like turning one cheeseburger into 12 sad, mini cheeseburgers. But turning one thing into 12 things is like an act of God. That clearly makes me a culinary saint.

Thank you, I’ll not only take all my awards but my canonization too, now. Wait. I have to be dead to become a saint, right? I didn’t think this through properly.

For a vegetable option, I opened up the can of green beans.

Canned green beans are a true marvel to me. I have always wondered how taking a delicious green vegetable and putting it into a can renders it into one of the mushiest, tasteless objects known to man.

Then, I dumped a can of chicken noodle soup in and put it on the stove.

Unfortunately, I do not have a single propane burner (or induction plate) in the apartment, which would have been ideal. Instead, Davida and I hunched over the stove. A stove is like a giant hot pot anyway.

After a dip in the chicken noodle soup bath I pulled out a hot dog slice and took this blurry photo.

I popped it in my mouth and encouragingly, the chicken soup hot dog was actually a huge improvement. I don’t know if it was the saltiness of the broth or what, but I can now actually recommend you put hot dogs in chicken noodle soup. This is a strange takeaway for any cooking experiment, but hey, that’s why you’re here.

In traditional hot pot, you’re served dipping sauces to enhance the flavor of whatever you’re eating.

With the help of an expert (Davida) I decided on the two dipping sauces required for the American version: ketchup and ranch dressing.

It’s a well-known fact that putting ketchup anywhere near a hot dog in Chicago will actually get you assassinated, which is why I chose it. I have to say, it’s a pretty good choice, not just because it tastes like controversy. It’s because frankly anything seems to improve the taste of these particular hot dogs.

A bath of chicken broth similarly improved a canned green bean.

Somehow it took on a lot of flavor just by being in the chicken noodle soup for a while. I don’t know if the bar was just low for these miserable things or if I’m just a culinary genius, you know? I’ll take both, thanks.

Dipped in ranch, however, the humble canned American hot pot green bean tastes like all of America.

Indulgent, rich, with absolutely zero nutritional value, it made me feel I was eating the entire country all at once. I talk shit about ranch dressing constantly, but secretly, it’s the best. You can clearly put ranch on anything. I previously put it in thumbprint cookies and made one of the nastiest cocktails in the world with it. See? I told you it was the best.

Anyway, this was Davida’s green bean. She lost control of it when it fell from her chopsticks into the ranch dressing. It looks like it’s floating on cloud nine. That’s because it was.

I said, “let’s go fuck ourselves,” and dumped the hot dogs and the green beans right into the chicken noodle soup.

Once that simmered for a while, I took a McDonald’s cheeseburger cube and dunked it right into the soup, like a normal person does.

Is that sound you gagging? Remember, you’re the one that signed up for this newsletter.

I dunked that cheeseburger cube into some ketchup, briefly considered the meaning of life, then shoved it up my ass.

I was expecting to absolutely hate this, but guess what, idiots, it was delicious too. I suppose the worst thing about it was the soggy texture of the bread, which was admittedly a little gross, but fuck, this was weirdly good. Who would have thought that dipping a McDonald’s cheeseburger into hot dog green bean canned chicken noodle soup would actually taste awesome? How did all those words make it into one sentence?

At the end, I dumped a bunch of raw macaroni noodles into the pot and let it simmer for a while.

You see, towards the end of your hot pot meal, it’s good to toss in some noodles, which will sop up all the flavor of the stuff you cooked in it. The macaroni didn’t quite cook through before all the liquid disappeared, but whatever.

In the end, it all tasted pretty good. Did it leave me feeling conflicted? Of course it did. But that’s America. It’s one big fat hot pot full of dumb shit that makes no sense together.

At least in this go-round, it was palatable.

---

If you enjoyed these good times today, don’t forget to share Food is Stupid on social media. It grows the damn thing and gets me on random podcasts and shit. Seriously. It’s hilarious.

And hey, paid subscribers! Guess what? You’re getting an exclusive piece this week (sorry, I know, it’s been a while). It’s dessert hot pot. That’s right. For those of you who can’t get enough of Food is Stupid, now’s your reminder to sign up for a paid subscription. You’ll get exclusive editions of the newsletter, plus, you’ll unlock access to all the previous subscriber material at foodisstupid.substack.com. There’s a lot of stuff for you to catch up on while you’re taking a dump.

Don’t forget to take care of yourselves, and give each other lots of hugs and stuff.

As always, I love you all, and see some of you in your inboxes soon.