Can a frozen pizza be a frisbee?

we tried three brands to find out

Greetings, clowns!

I hope you’re all doing okay. It’s been a hard few weeks. I’ve started and stopped writing this edition of the newsletter countless times now, and finally settled on a starting point: Let’s celebrate some good news.

Since I asked you all to help out and pitch into the Chicago Abortion Fund, the newsletter has raised just over $1,900. I’m so proud of all of you for making this happen. You’re amazing.

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Davida and I left the gang at home for this week’s experiment.

You see, we had to go on a special field trip. Since we’re in the middle of summer, she and I have been spending a lot of time outside. Chicago’s particularly magical during warmer months, as everyone is in a good mood and playing outdoors as much as possible. That means a lot of people are hanging out in places like the park and having the time of their lives. One popular summertime activity that many people engage in is throwing around a frisbee.

Here is the main issue, however: We do not have a frisbee.

So I thought to myself, “Dannis, if someone wants to go play catch with a frisbee at the park, and they do not have one, what is a good substitution?”

Obviously, the answer is frozen pizza.

Frozen pizza is roughly the same shape as a frisbee, and since it is flat and circular, that means it’s an optimal shape of food for chucking at a loved one while standing at opposite ends of a field. You can pick one up at almost every store, from a gas station out in the boonies, to a corner store in any big city, which means you can play frisbee across the world nearly anytime you want.

But could our favorite freezer staple really hold up to being tossed in the air with incredible force? There was only one way to find out.

Davida and I went to the grocery store and picked three brands of varying sizes, Home Run Inn, Jack’s, and DiGiorno. These represent some of the most popular brands in the frozen pizza kingdom. Then we took a walk over to our neighborhood park, which was surprisingly empty, and began our research.

The first pizza we decided to test out was the individual-sized Home Run Inn pie.

This small frozen pizza had sausage on it. The reason why I picked a sausage pizza was because I was hungry when we bought it, and it sounded pretty good. Davida wound up and chucked the thing as far as she could.

Look at that baby fly.

It looks like a UFO from a really crude video. Run, everyone, the aliens have landed!

It quickly came crashing down to Earth.

Davida got out her phone and started up a distance measuring application. According to her phone, she managed to chuck the thing 37 feet and eight inches.

It was my turn next, with a Jack’s cheese pizza.

I was so excited. I’d always wanted to throw a pizza like a frisbee. I thought the Jack’s would do pretty good, considering it was fairly lightweight and seemingly aerodynamic, even though the one we bought was somewhat warped.

Okay, so it’s sort of hard to see the action in this photo. Computer, enhance.

You will never see a better photo of me in action.

I have the form and physique of a Korean-Greek god, as you can see very clearly. The cheese flew off the pizza in a shower, soon to be food for our local pigeon (more likely rat) population.

Unfortunately, despite my herculean effort, the pizza did not go particularly far.

Davida’s measuring app said I managed to huck the Jack’s pizza a mere 35 feet and nine inches. I guess I need to work out. I swear I threw it the length of 12 football fields. Clearly her app wasn’t working.

For our final trial, I tore into the DiGiorno stuffed crust pizza.

I figured this fuckin’ thing would lift off into outer space. The outer rim of the DiGiorno was stuffed with cheese, and there had to be some kind of law of physics saying that a stuffed crust pizza would gain enough momentum to break the speed of light when flung by a Korean-Greek god such as myself.

Look at how this thing sailed.

Sailed right into the goddamn ground, that is. It barely flew. I attribute this mainly to the fact that my muscles have atrophied quite a bit. Writing about food is not exactly what I would call a physically strenuous activity, so my otherwise gorgeous physique has suffered a little bit. No matter. I’m beautiful on the inside, and that’s what really matters. I’m also beautiful on the outside, which also matters.

Davida’s measuring app said this pizza flew the least far, at a mere 32 feet and 10 inches.

In a rage, I grabbed the DiGiorno pizza again and threw it as far as I could again.

All the pepperoni went flying off and the thing ripped all the way through. I am the Incredible Hulk, you guys. Fear me!!!!

Though I may have some serious muscles, I’m not a complete asshole, so we spent the next few minutes cleaning up.

It turns out frozen pizza makes for a terrible frisbee after all. All of them had turned into floppy messes in under 20 minutes. Oh well. I guess if you’re in desperate need of a frisbee, you’d be better off prying the hubcap off a stranger’s car, which I’m sure they’d approve of. Don’t worry, I’ll keep watch. Just let me pick up this pepperoni first.

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If you’d ever wondered whether or not a frozen pizza makes for a good toy, well, you know now. Next time I’ll just roll one up like a cigar and shove it up my ass.

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My dream is to do this full-time someday. Wouldn’t that be something?

Davida and I are going on a much-needed short vacation this week (thanks for understanding), so I’ll be back in your inboxes soon. But until then, just remember, I love you all, and be good to each other, okay? We need you.