Wanna see us on video?
That subject line is a little dicey, but YOU'RE the one that opened the email
Hello, butt nuggets!
There’s a lot of new readers this week because Michael Nagrant published a cool interview with me (make sure you subscribe to his newsletter)! I can’t get over how many people read it and said something sweet, so hello, new folks. Prepare for utter disappointment, because that’s what I do. I’m a professional utter disappointmentererrer.
I’m not sure how many of you noticed, but I didn’t write anything last week. I worked on something different that I’m sharing with you today. It was worth it, but it was a total pain in the asshole, which is the anus region of the ass.
Since we’re still in the thick of shelter-in-place, the restaurant I work at, Paulie Gee’s Logan Square, is still closed. Everyone is safe and sound, but we’re not employed. In the meantime, to drum up a little attention and some employee relief, we’ve been putting out instructional videos for fun, with a donation link in the description of each video.
As the greatest food writer in all of history, I asked myself, “Dannis Ree, since you are already the greatest food writer that ever existed, can you step up to the challenge and show people your assface and dopey laugh in a YouTube video?”
You bet I can!
But first, I had to think of what to do.
For a long time, I was absolutely stuck. I wanted to do something Chicago-centric. So I thought, hey, maybe I can make an easy cheater version of a pizza puff using empanada dough or something.
They weren’t very good.
As a snack they were semi-okay, but they puffed up too big and it turns out I am not very good at making empanadas. So I decided, what the fuck, might as well just learn how to make a genuine pizza puff.
Pizza puffs are very weird. This picture was stolen from Wikipedia.
No, they aren’t pizza rolls. They’re not calzones, either. They’re basically pizza chimichangas. My good friend Nick Kindlesperger did a great article about them in the Chicago Tribune. Nick writes:
“Iltaco's pizza puff isn't wrapped in pizza dough or anything like it. It's wrapped in a flour tortilla, the same kind you'd use for a burrito. How do I know? It says so right on the wrapper. The first ingredient listed on the back is a flour tortilla.”
You can’t really find them outside of Chicago.
You can pretty much only get them at hot dog stands here, for around $3 or $4. They’re never listed as a main dish, they’re mysteriously always lumped in with the sides, like fries. They’re also always really greasy and gummy. If you’re doing it correctly (which in this case, means, like a dumbass), you take a giant bite right away and burn the shit out of your mouth. Also, you never learn your lesson, because the next time you have one, you forget and do the same thing.
People eat pizza puffs, but nobody goes out of their way to get them, and if you ask anybody about them, you’ll usually be met with a, “Eh. They’re only okay.”
“But Dannis,” you ask, “as a true professional and the greatest, yet dumbest, human being that’s ever existed, what is your opinion on them?”
Eh. They’re only okay.
(But I still secretly like them.)
Here’s the dilemma.
I couldn’t figure out how to fold them, because I am, how you say in French, stupid? No whimsical food blogs had any instructions or recipes, for that matter, so I was essentially at a dead end. Until I found a vegan taco truck in Denver, Migration Taco, that actually knew how to do it. I reached out to them, and holy fuckin’ shit, they sent me a step-by-step set of photo instructions on how to make a pizza puff! Turns out, they’re originally from Chicago. Go figure.
People are so nice sometimes. Remind yourself of that as often as you can.
Anyway, diarrhea.
This is a shitty picture, but I did it.
And with help from Davida, Nugget, and Cricket, we all made our very first food video together like a little happy family. For those of you we haven’t met in person yet, well, consider this our introduction.
So, hello.
As you may have suspected, I do, in fact, have a face for radio.
Here’s our restaurant relief link: http://paypal.me/PaulieGeeLoganSquare
With enough coaxing, you might be able to get us to make more videos. It’ll have to be a lot of coaxing, though, because editing video is a total pain in the asshole, which, as you may know, is the anus region of the ass.
Thanks for watching the video — and if you can, even better, share the video on social media! Or this post.
Please consider a paid subscription, which now, apparently, might go to video equipment:
And stay safe.