Vegan watermelon steaks?!
4th of July is canceled anyway
Hello, new readers! There are a lot of you!
I…I didn’t expect that last week’s post was going to cause such a commotion. Turns out you really wanted to read about Beef Fizz and my new, absolutely terrible recipe for Clam Sweat. It was my most-read post yet.
A quick rundown about me: My name is Dannis Ree (Dennis Lee), and I am the greatest food writer in all of history. This is all you need to know.
Now, at the end of this week, we would normally be celebrating the 4th of July with shitty grilled food that your dad bungled on the grill and watch a bunch of violent explosions in the sky that are meant to represent the terror of war. AMERICA!
Some people make hot dogs and hamburgers. Other people, who live safely in shimmering towers away from us lowly dirt-eating plebeians, will be eating delicious steaks, the cross section of a once living and breathing cow creature. I fuckin’ love steak. However, it is expensive right now.
So I thought, to myself, “Dannis, how can you take a delicious cut of meat and duplicate it with cheaper ingredients that aren’t actually made of cow?"
The plan? Use another, cheaper ingredient: Watermelon.
I tried to keep it as simple as possible, using watermelon, beet juice, Maggi liquid seasoning, and three stuffed animals.
Now, these jagoffs went to great lengths to turn a watermelon into some vaguely meat-like substance.
I, Dannis Ree, am not a molecular biologist mixologist gastronomy astronaut. I am merely the greatest food writer in all of history. So, using my childish intellect, I came up with my own idea.
In order to mimic the bloody appearance of watermelon, I decided to use beet juice.
I have a cool story about beet juice. I generally do not like beets. I did not grow up eating them. To my uncouth palate, they taste like soil. Not…that I’d know what soil tastes like. Shut up.
When, as an adult, I discovered beets turn your pee and poo red, I was fascinated. One day, I decided to bring home a quart of fresh beet juice from the nearby grocery store. I forced down the entire quart within ten minutes. This was a wonderful idea.
What I did not know is that the sugar in beet juice in that quantity causes debilitating diarrhea.
My stomach gurgled badly and I set up camp in the bathroom, basically spraying the entire quart of juice into the toilet. I thought I was going to die. I was supposed to go to a Cubs game that night with my sister. With all my might, I emptied myself like a champion and successfully survived the entire baseball game without turning my shorts purple.
You can’t see me right now, but I am bowing to your wild applause.
Last year, my coworker Jenny. who you can follow on Instagram, lent me a dehydrator to mess around with.
After months of it languishing in a bag, I thought, “Dannis, what if you dehydrated the watermelon, and then rehydrate it with beet juice to duplicate our thirst for blood?” See? True genius. This is the innovative science I learned while getting my English degree centuries ago.
I cut the watermelon roughly into the shape of an actual steak, which is clearly a heptagon.
Again, English degree.
Then, I placed the watermelon in the dehydrator and found out immediately that it was too big.
Here’s the thing. I was an English major because I nearly flunked out of Engineering school. Watermelon dehydrating class is what did me in.
After correcting my mistake, I let the dehydrator run for a specific amount of like, eight hours or something.
I poured in a touch of soy sauce, for umami.
Those of you who are geniuses regarding food are all nodding your heads in agreement right now, saying “Umami.” Repeatedly until you pass out.
Then I added yet another umami booster, Maggi liquid seasoning.
As you can see from the labeling, it describes its true power in menacing CAPITAL LETTERS.
“A FEW DASHES ARE SUFFICIENT.”
I feel like God wrote that label.
Then I poured enough beet juice to cover the dessicated watermelon, which wasn’t too much.
I had to save the remainder for another bout of severe self-induced diarrhea.
The next day, I pulled the watermelon out and patted it dry.
It was tacky to the touch and weirdly enough, had the same texture as a cut of beef. This sensation was disturbing and I felt like I had violated some law of nature. One of the pieces split off, resembling skirt steak, so I ended up with three pieces.
I heavily salted and peppered the watermelon slices just like I normally would to a cow steak and put them on my stimulus check-purchased grill.
Don’t worry, it was cheap, and yes, I saved the rest of the money for the impending apocalypse.
As you can see, I’m an expert at grilling. I mean, check out those non-existent char marks!!!!!!!!!!
This is the best example of my abilities on a grill.
I was aiming for the maximum amount of carcinogens that night, and boy, did I hit that target.
After a while, I decided the watermelon steaks were done due to the fact that they were shriveling up.
Shriveling is a very good (terrible) word to describe the process of cooking food. I won prestigious awards for this daring kind of food writing. Davida and I held our collective breath, sliced a piece off, and munched away.
Why…why was this so good?
The steak simulation wasn’t exactly beefy, but the texture was actually meat-like with an inoffensive beet aftertaste. The thicker pieces were still somewhat watery like fresh melon, but the thinner skirt-style steak was genuinely like a piece of chewy grilled beef. I couldn’t believe it. This would make for a terrific taco filling.
Davida, chewing, said, “It’s kind of like eating water chestnuts! This would go well in a stir fry.”
I kept eating and shaking my head. I’d been bracing for disappointment, but in the end, I learned something, something deep.
I’M FUCKING AMAZING AND YOU ALL CAN SUUUUUUCK IT.
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Venmo: @dickholedannis
Please, for the love of God, wear your mask and don’t end up being that asshole who’s the subject of a viral video for being a shitface.
I actually did a charred watermelon thing the other night, and was likewise surprised at its tastiness. Did you also watch the Netflix cooking competition show with the jerked watermelon surprise?