Using a magic packet, can you turn anything into kimchi?

you be the judge

Hello clowwwwns!

We were out of town last weekend, finally visiting Davida’s family in Wisconsin over the long break, and man, did it feel good to travel. So, sorry for the slight delay this week. We ate lots of good food (we even went to a place called Beef-A-Roo in Rockford, IL), got plenty of sun and air, and also got to meet a bunch of animals like a horse, a donkey, ducks, geese, chickens, dogs, cats, and even a pig named Pickles, who performed exactly one trick for us.

I also rode an ATV for the very first time:

dickholedannis

A post shared by @dickholedannis

I’m a natural, what can I say?

“The haters can’t catch me now,” I said, vrooming away on the ATV at two miles an hour.

While we were up at Walmart (I needed cheap underwear for reasons that may be obvious to you, since you follow this newsletter), we stumbled upon an item in the section with all the As Seen On TV stuff that piqued my interest. It was by a brand called Mrs. Wages, and it was a “1 Step Kimchi-Flavored Mix.” Are any of you familiar with this brand?

Obviously I had to buy three packages of it, because what kind of moron wouldn’t want to buy a magic packet of shit that’ll turn anything into kimchi?!

I’d like to note a few things, before I go on.

Here is a screenshot of the page about the kimchi mix, poorly cropped by yours truly.

I like that kimchi is described as a “South Korean” staple. I realize people aren’t generally friends with North Korea, but pssst…the country still exists. Don’t worry, I whispered that part, so the North Koreans won’t run at you waving around a hammer and sickle or whatever it is you’re afraid they’ll chase after you with.

Also, hey, let me tell you a secret, Mrs. Wages.

Kimchi is fermented, not pickled.

You can’t just, like, add a packet of liquid to stuff and call it kimchi.

Or can you? Mrs. Wages, do you know something I don’t? Apparently she was a real person, but this brand story is so flimsy that I’m not entirely convinced.

Yes, there really was a Mrs. Wages, a feisty lady who loved to put up food from her garden. Since 1950, Mrs. Wages has made cooking more enjoyable, so you can take the credit.

She and her husband had a country store near Tupelo, Mississippi, way back in the early ’50s that was a gathering spot for local farmers. It was an old fashioned store where folks came for everything from horse harnesses to ice cream…and the latest gossip.

Ah yes, now I remember the old Korean legend now, of Mrs. Wages, who loved making kimchi back in Tupelo, which is a city a lot of white people like to sing songs about.

Based off her expertise and the three packets I now clutched in my hands, I said to myself, “Dannis Ree, the greatest food writer in all of history, is it possible to turn anything into kimchi using a packet that contains water, white distilled vinegar, salt, maltodextrin, sugar, soy lecithin, natural flavor, chili pepper, xanthan gum, and citric acid?”

Only one way to find out, buttholes!

By the way, I really like the tagline that says “We do the work. You take the credit.”

If you use this stuff you can take credit for making kimchi too, just like *looks directly at the camera* everyone else does.

Kimchi

First, I decided to go by the directions on the package by making the kimchi that most of you know and love, using cabbage.

I started with the basics, roughly chopping some beautiful fresh napa cabbage into bite-sized pieces and poured a packet into the quart container.

To my horror and my delight, what appeared to be a blood clot snaked out from the bottom of the bag.

I’m assuming that was just congealed ground red pepper, but part of me suspects that’s a sample of Mrs. Wages blood. She lives on in every bite. I let the deli container sit in the fridge, to be opened the next day.

Here’s the big reveal!

The kimchi was very, very, pale. Traditional kimchi is much redder and without so much liquid. That being said, there’s many variations of kimchi, including ones with a liquid this color, notably mul kimchi, aka, “water kimchi.”

I took a bite and at first it surprisingly tasted like kimchi, in a pleasant way. The cabbage was nice and sharp and tart with zero spice (again, mul kimchi isn’t really spicy), but then the vinegar flavor went on. And on. And on. Forever. Just as I suspected. Mrs. Wages is trying to pull the wool over your eyes, sheeple! She’s selling you pickle juice!

All hope of a cultural bridge died inside me today.

Shrimpchi

In the meantime, I tossed some raw shrimp into a container and let them sit in Mrs. Wages’ juices.

Yes, I purchased exactly three shrimp from the bucket at the Korean grocery store. I am very proud of myself.

The next day it came out a bit ceviche-like, though it would have been much better if I had peeled them first.

Also, check out that hair I found on the bottom shrimp. Never come over for dinner. There’s probably hair on everything.

I had to finish this shrimp off by cooking it in a pan. If I’d de-shelled it it probably would have been ceviche-worthy.

The pickled flavor was nice and strong, and the salt had permeated the shrimp completely. Unfortunately, the vinegar tightened up the flesh so much that it was practically a rubber ball, even though I barely applied any heat to it. And also, I forgot to devein it, so as a bonus, I ended up eating a bunch of shrimp poo. Classic Dannis!

Was this technically kimchi? Only Mrs. Wages knows. But the website says she’s dead.

And while Mrs. Wages is gone, her line of home canning products is still around…and still produced with the same fussy commitment to quality and wholesomeness that made it a favorite 70 years ago.

Jerkimchi

After a nice sleep in the brine, I pulled the jerky out of the brine to reveal the jerkimchi.

It looked fuckin’ terrible, glistening in the light and everything. But it tasted weirdly great, a little sour, really savory, with kind of a weird old brisket texture to it. While you can’t really rehydrate jerky by letting it sit in liquid, it’ll still plump up a touch. What really sang was the aftertaste, because it was actually really good.

Maybe South Koreans could learn something from Mrs. Wages. Jerkimchi needs to be on every table now. Not North Koreans, though, because they weren’t mentioned on the website.

Kimchicken

The chicken looked exactly the same pickled as it did going in. Maybe the skin was a little flabby. Whatever.

It also ended up tasting pretty good. What the fuck. The liquid didn’t go much deeper than the surface, but hey, people eat things like pickled pigs feet. I guess pickled pigs feet were kimchi all along, weren’t they?

KimChewy granola bar

Now, this Quaker brand peanut butter and chocolate granola bar looked just fine going into the bag.

I used to eat the hell out of these things growing up. They were a lunch staple when I was a kid. What’s pretty remarkable is that they taste exactly the same today as they did when I was little. Until I mixed it with some of Mrs. Wage’s spiritual Korean essence.

This is trauma in a bag.

My phone had a terrible time focusing on the granola once I spooned it out. That’s because the food itself was blurry.

All I’m going to say is this: Have you ever had pickled oatmeal with peanut butter and chocolate chips in it?

Don’t. I’m going to have nightmares for a fuckin’ week.

Kimchimichanga

Let’s mourn what could have been, because I saved the best joke for last, and totally forgot the goddamn thing in the freezer.

Say it out loud. Kimchimichanga. Kimchimichanga.

Don’t worry, I still have a whole unopened package of Mrs. Wages 1 Step Kimchi-Flavored Mix. I’ll save this one for another day. Because apparently with her magic, you can make kimchi out of anything.

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Don’t forget to share this on social media. You wouldn’t want Mrs. Wages, who’s Twitter account is protected for some reason, to be left out of all the fun, would you?

And as always, please consider a paid subscription (seriously, do it), because it keeps this newsletter going; you’ll get access to all the archives including previous paid-subscriber content at foodisstupid.substack.com. There’s a ton of it now! Plus you get exclusive new content every week. This is all a one-man show and I can use all of your support, genuinely.

Just some housekeeping: Since my schedule got a little shifted around due to being gone last weekend, I’m going to take next week off to get things back on track. Don’t worry, I’ve got some pretty hilarious ideas, and plenty is coming your way.

Love you all, and talk to you very soon, as always.