The Triple Chicken Nugget Pizza
And how to become an Instagram influencer
Anus.
See? When you are your own editor you can do whatever you want. This is true power. Sniff it, Bon Appétit. Anus anus anus.
I was mildly considering turning this into a little extra bonus content for paid subscribers, but I don’t want people to feel left out. I’m barely out the gate on this and I don’t want to shut the door on anyone who is newly discovering that I am the GDOE (Greatest Dickhole on Earth).
So, who cares. Let’s live life to the fullest and be free and do things like jump on couches and stuff.
Anus.
I’m totally going to win a James Beard Award at this rate.
For the most part, my day (more like night) job is as a pizzamaker at Paulie Gee’s Logan Square, here in Chicago. I make nice pizzas like this, the Poutina Turner:
But a lot of times, I like to do very dumb things like this pizza, that I call the Chicago-style Death Wish:
I am not allowed to serve these stupid pizzas to customers at work because the goal is to keep customers coming back. We do not want people to run out the front door, screaming, “There’s ketchup and hot dogs in here! Burn the place down!”
As a cook, though, the best thing about pizza is that you can put almost anything on it and make it pretty successful. Any of your favorite foods can be turned into a nice pizza. Even popping boba.
Now, if you notice my Instagram feed, you will see that most of my pictures are top-down. This is one of the first steps to becoming a Food Influencer. Right now that is the modern style of food photography and if you do not take photos at that angle, you will be shunned and banned from our inner circles for life.
The next step to becoming a Food Influencer is to add gnarly effects to your photos, like oversaturating the living shit out of the color and using other tools to make the food look like an actual nightmare, like this:
This is genuinely one of the most terrifying photos I’ve ever seen. If your food is that color in real life, congratulations, the acid is kicking in!
Then the last key is to have very few followers, like, say seven, then stroll into your restaurant of choice (Arby’s), and demand free food for the exposure your shitty photo is going to give the establishment on Instagram. Then, when you are denied, you are required to say something shitty online about the place using a lot of CAPITAL LETTERS and exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!
Next-level shit: Do not announce your presence and bring in a fancy DSLR camera with lights or something and spend 30 minutes pretending to get a nice photo until the nervous and stressed manager comes over and feels forced to send you free food.
Let’s put my culinary expertise and my Instagram influencer power to use with this dumb pizza I made using chicken nuggets from Wendy’s (Spicy Nuggets), McDonald’s (Chicken McNuggets), and Burger King (Dumpster Nuggets). If you are curious, I also added low-moisture mozzarella, garlic, and green onions, you know, to pretend like it’s real food.
I ran this photo through some tools to hyper-oversaturate the color, then I used another tool to sharpen the image to the point where it may give you an actual headache.
And as you can see by the lazy styling, I put some sauce on a plate for a prop and some of the leftover chicken nuggets as proof that not only am I the greatest food writer in all of history, I’m also the greatest Instagram Influencer in all of history too.
The pizza ended up tasting kind of shitty.
But congratulations, you now are a Food Influencer. You have graduated. Go and unleash hell in your favorite restaurants. If they do not believe you, just show them this email and you’ll get all the free food in the world. Or get banned for life.
Here’s the part where I ask: Share this on Twitter or Facebook so that everybody may be educated, and, of course, you can always do this.
Christ. Look at that little pucker of grilled mystery meat in the upper left-hand third of that sandwich monstrosity. The ghosts of all the animals and plants in that are screaming for mercy in an eternal hell of our own design. We deserve nothing. PS that crema/blueb boba pizza will haunt my dreams/fantasies/working hours, thanks.