The shelf-stable meatball sub

a sandwich for the end times

Hello, clowns!

As you all know, I am widely regarded as the greatest food writer in all of history. Because of this, people frequently want to know who my personal heroes are. A genius such as myself must stand upon the shoulders of giants, after all. Is it Anthony Bourdain? Julia Child? Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto? Jacques Cousteau?

The answer is none of the above.

My real culinary hero is Chef Boyardee. This champion managed to find a way to take a sacred food to many, pasta, and shove that shit into a can. These cans can sit on shelves for years, until one day a sophisticated 42-year-old lad such as myself blows the dust off one of them, pops the top off, and enjoys a gourmet meal. Mad respect.

This is why I always look at canned food with extreme reverence. If you asked me to go outside and forage myself dinner, I would starve to death in a matter of minutes. Hand me a can of Chef Boyardee’s finest pasta, and I will live forever.

So today’s edition of the newsletter is a spiritual successor to the Emergency Lasagna I recently made using Chef Boyardee canned lasagna, cottage cheese, mozzarella, and Kraft green can parmesan.

Sure, making lasagna out of canned pasta is cool and all, but that’s mere child’s play. I wanted to take this idea further and create something more unique, using nothing but shelf-stable items.

I held another of Chef Boyardee’s culinary gems in my hand and studied it. This one was the superior scrumptious Jumbo Spaghetti and Meatballs, and Davida took one look and said, “How about a meatball sandwich?”