Long time no see, clowns!
This is Davida! It’s been a while. I hope you’re all having a decent 2022 so far, even if this recent wave of Covid madness has it feeling like 2020 2. It’s hard to keep one’s chin up these days, not only because of the seemingly never-ending pandemic but because we’re in the part of winter that can turn even the happiest of clowns into Pagliacci. The holidays are over, the snow is dirty and gray, and it’s so cold that there’s no reason to hang out outdoors. At least that’s how it is in Chicago. If you’re somewhere nice and warm right now, that’s great. And also fuck you.
These conditions got me to thinking that it might be a good idea to indulge in some foods with naturally occurring mood-boosting properties to help keep the blues away. I did the amount of research typical of the average internet denizen and googled “foods to boost mood,” clicked the first link that wasn’t an ad, and did not verify the website’s sources. Boom! I am suddenly armed with knowledge from Healthline.
These mood-boosting foods include stuff like oats, berries, chocolate, fatty fish, and other shit. By a stroke of luck, several of the foods listed were already in our kitchen. I was well on my way to happiness already. But how could I maximize their potential? I turned to another thing we already have in our kitchen: a blender.
You know where this is going.
I gathered my wildly disparate ingredients, including kimchi, peanut butter, smoked sprats, cordial cherries, instant coffee, and prepared to fly high.
This was going to be good.
First, I made some coffee.
Dennis and I got into this Korean brand of instant coffee, Maxim, after a K-drama smacked us in the face with some of the most blatant product placement I’ve ever seen. Obviously it worked, and now I could use it in my search for happiness.
According to the Healthline article, coffee “increases the release of mood-boosting neurotransmitters, such as dopamine and norepinephrine.”
Sure, sounds promising.
The first thing I put into the blender was kimchi, which is a staple in our fridge due to the weird Korean man who lives here and occasionally requests that I write for this newsletter.
Healthline tells us that certain fermented foods, including kimchi, can be beneficial for gut health and may increase levels of serotonin. Is that true? Tell me that’s true.
The article also lists dark chocolate, which among other things “may release a cascade of feel-good compounds, such as caffeine, theobromine, and N-acylethanolamine — a substance chemically similar to cannabinoids that has been linked to improved mood.”
Sign me the fuck up! I plopped a dark chocolate Queen Anne’s cordial cherry leftover from Christmas into the blender. I love those things.
Healthline, which has now replaced all my doctors, notes fatty fish to be potentially effective as well, as they contain omega-3s that are important for brain health and in turn, happiness.
Dennis and I are lifelong fans of canned fish and are always on the hunt for new varieties to try, so we usually have some on hand. I gracefully plucked a smoked sprat from its jar and tossed it into the mix. Are you hungry yet?
Peanut butter, star of smoothies everywhere, seemed like a natural addition.
The article claims that “a 10-year study in 15,980 people linked moderate nut intake to a 23% lower risk of depression.” So please, do yourself a favor and take in some nut.
All that was left to add was some lukewarm instant coffee.
I am not going to lie to you.
The unmixed smoothie looked like ass. The chunky brownness of the liquid and the greens from the kimchi evoked a pond so polluted that its lone resident, the sprat, had gone belly-up.
I did not do this experiment to be reminded of the state of the world, so I put the lid on the Vitamix blender and let her rip.
Our cats, who had previously been sniffing around the kitchen trying to find the fish, fled instantly.
[Also I know that many of you are going to skim the previous paragraphs and snag on the words “ass,” “chunky brownness,” and “liquid” so I feel obligated to remind you that Dennis did not write this one.]
The blending made the smoothie marginally more appetizing.
For a moment I could pretend that there wasn’t fish and kimchi and chocolate all in one drink. There could be anything in there. Dennis suggested—demanded, really— that I “take a sniff,” and I was surprised to find that it really didn’t smell that bad. It mostly smelled like peanut butter, but with a few notes of something unidentifiable and slightly menacing.
“Garnish! We need a garnish!” I shouted.
I fussed around trying to find something suitable until I realized I was just putting off drinking the smoothie. I settled on a skewer with a chocolate-covered cherry and a sprat, which was unfortunately too delicate and had to be propped up manually for this photo that wasn’t posed at all, no sir.
Down the hatch! I took a sip and hoped the carefully selected blend would usher me on a spiritual journey. There was a journey, but it was more of the emotional kind. First, panic set in before, and briefly after I took the sip. Then, confusion as my tongue worked out the flavor. Next, relief. But would there be happiness?!
Strangely, the bizarre mixture tasted totally fine. The peanut butter overwhelmed everything else except the kimchi, which worked as an oddly pleasing complement. I decided this wasn’t surprising, since people mix peppers and peanuts all the time. There was a slight oiliness from the sprat and the peanut butter, but I could forgive that if it boosted my mood. And it kind of actually did.
I won’t be tossing out my Wellbutrin anytime soon, but I felt pretty cheerful after drinking the smoothie. I do, however, have a feeling that this was less because of the ingredients and more due to the fact that I had fun making this stupid thing, and that it wasn’t half bad.
I guess I wouldn’t call those results conclusive.
But if reading this helped your winter blues even just a little bit, that’s good enough for me. Also, I want to take a moment to remind you to get your vitamin D levels checked if you can. I recently found myself deficient after a blood test that I could’ve skipped if I’d shown my doctor how many hours I’ve logged in Animal Crossing. Take care of yourself.
Okay, that’s a wrap! It’s me, Dannis, popping in briefly to say hello. Davida should write for Food is Stupid way more often, shouldn’t she? Don’t forget to share this edition on social media—mash that share button, since it helps the newsletter out immensely:
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I'm perpetually deficient in vitamin d, but my mood has been boosted because a) I'm laughing, and b) I don't have to taste the smoothie.
Although my brain is attempting to put together a reasonable facsimile in my thoughts. I can't turn that part of my mind off, even when I really want to.
Happy worst part of winter to us all!
Nice work Davida! You should completely make Dannis have you improve the future posts. This was even better than the lactation treats.