The Peeps Double Down

leftover easter candy meets KFC

Hello, clowns!

Easter was just a few days ago, so I’m guessing that many of you are sitting on a treasure trove of leftover candy. And If there’s one candy that I’m fascinated with, it’s marshmallow Peeps. Because I fucking hate them.

I don’t understand why anyone would go out of their way to seek out a marshmallow covered in plain granulated sugar. That combination is like the same texture as a kitchen sponge covered in sand, and tastes about as interesting. Yet every year, I eat a single Peep, come to the conclusion that I still don’t like them, then I throw out the rest of the package.

This year, I asked Davida if she had any ideas as to what I should try with the leftover hate-eaten Peeps we had, and after some thought, she said, “How about a Peeps Double Down?” Man, she has this shit down on lock.

“That’s hilarious,” I said. “But you can’t fry marshmallows!”

Then I looked deep inside myself and said, “Dannis Ree, you are the greatest food writer in all of history. If people say Jesus came back from the dead, then frying baby chicken-shaped marshmallows to make a KFC-style Double Down cannot be impossible. Don’t you want people to call you ‘Culinary Jesus?’”

If for some strange reason you don’t know what a Double Down is, allow me to explain.

Once upon a time in 2010, KFC decided to come up with a culinary creation to rule them all. They produced a fast food sandwich that was comprised of two crispy fried chicken breast filets (in lieu of bread), and placed mayo, cheese, and bacon in between. Then they called it the “Double Down,” probably because they were doubling down on not giving a shit about humanity. The thing ran on KFC’s menu for four years before it was axed.

I was able to try one when I visited KFC’s test kitchen a few months back, and in concept, that thing was one of the most nihilistic things I’ve ever eaten. KFC re-released the sandwich for a month starting on March 6th (it’s already gone now), so it’s still fresh on my mind. Davida’s still salty that we only got one for dinner once.

Many chefs and food writers like to argue about the best way to make bacon.

Guess what, dickholes, we’re all going to die someday, so use that time to argue about something better, like which Marvel character you would like to theoretically sunbathe with on a nude beach. Making bacon in the microwave is just fine.

I nuked some strips for five and a half minutes, which got them to the perfect color (as bronze as George Hamilton’s ass) and texture (also like George Hamilton’s ass), and let them sit off to the side as our asshole cats worked themselves into a frenzy over the smell.

Then I put some abhorrent yellow kettle corn-flavored (yes, kettle corn) Peeps into a Ziploc bag and used them as a stress ball.

“Take that, dirtbags!” I shouted. This was better than therapy. Remind me to tell my next therapist that when I’m explaining what I like to do for fun.

The Peeps quickly merged into a lopsided mass with those little cute eyes peeking out.

I repeated that same process with pink cotton candy-flavored Peeps, which ended up looking even funnier due to the fact that they were also speckled in blue sugar.

It kind of reminded me of the time I decided to run over a whole raw chicken with my car.

I then dipped the patties into a beaten egg and tossed them into panko breadcrumbs, because in my childish mind, the Peeps patties would need a shield against the frying oil to prevent them from falling apart.

I do have to say, however, the misshapen breaded fused Peep monstrosities did sort of look kind of like chicken breasts, ready to head to the fryer.

I decided for a shallow pan fry as opposed to a full-on deep fry, since I was afraid that the marshmallows would simply disintegrate into a Dutch oven full of oil, and fishing that mixture out would have been impossible.

So I heated up a pan with a fair amount of oil in it, and gently dropped my first patty in.

Within moments, the first patty melted into a pile of goo, but I was heroically able to flip the thing, fry it for a few moments longer, and get most of it out of the pan, though some was lost to the hell of vegetable oil.

Since I’d learned my lesson the first time, the frying of the second patty went a little more smoothly, but it also essentially turned into molten goo too before I frantically dug it out of the pan.

I immediately applied mayo, American cheese, and crispy bacon strips.

And since I’d had the forethought to drain the marshmallow mess on a paper towel, I was somehow able to fold the paper towel over and turn the entire thing into a proper sandwich.

Behold, clowns, the Peeps Double Down!

Okay, so it doesn’t quite look like two chicken breast filets stacked on top of one another, and the panko breadcrumbs were essentially absorbed into the marshmallow patties, but this thing ended up looking more like a Double Down than I’d expected.

But man, that smell of hot mayo wafting off the fused Peeps was pretty fucked up. It was sour, and when it comingled with the sugary toasted marshmallow scent, I momentarily felt like I was going to keel over.

I initially tried to pick the Peeps Double Down up with my hands, but it wasn’t cooperating, so I forked it instead.

I was 100% prepared to gag, based off that mayo smell, but after I chewed it for half a second, I found out that I’m a filthier person than I thought. Because I fucking loved it.

Those gooey toothachingly sweet marshmallows, saturated in oil and with flecks of crunchy fried breadcrumbs in them, were weirdly compelling. And combined with the salty crisp bacon and American cheese, this may have been the most unhealthy bite of anything I’ve ever eaten. The mayo still made the thing smell like a sour monstrosity, but the rest of the thing tasted so great I stopped giving a shit. I ate like four more forkfuls before I made myself stop.

What an emotional rollercoaster. I finally found a way to enjoy Peeps for once, and easily in the worst way possible, which is breaded, deep fried, and accompanied with mayo, American cheese, and bacon. What a redemption.

You could say it’s nothing short of an Easter miracle.

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