The McWhopponator

and what an upper endoscopy is like

What’s goin’ on, clowns?

Ordinarily I would have written this last week, but last Wednesday, I had to get a scope down my throat (aka an upper endoscopy). It to see if there was any visible source of the mysterious stomach pain that’s been bothering me for the past few months. Fortunately, the pain seems like it’s slowly starting to subside. FINALLY.

That being said, I am not going to lie and say I was not nervous about it.

Now, I’ve never broken a bone or needed surgery, other than having my wisdom teeth removed ages ago. I get nervous when my blood gets drawn (but weirdly, getting shots is totally fine). So the idea of having a tube down my throat despite being sedated wasn’t very appealing.

Long story short, however, is that the endoscopy was easy, and done within a few hours from start to finish. Nearly all of it was just me laying down in a bed, bored off my ass.

After I arrived at the hospital, I changed into a gown and hung out in a hospital bed, in a room by myself. Then I was given an IV for fluids while the nice nurse joked around with me a bunch, which made me feel better. I was instructed on how the procedure worked, which was pretty straightforward—a tube with a camera would be inserted down my throat to see if there was any funny business going on in my upper digestive system.

After a while, someone wheeled me into a dark, somewhat scary room, with a bunch of machinery, and was instructed to lay down on my side. Then I was administered a combination of a painkiller and a sedative. I felt very tired right away.

While that happened, I repeated to myself, “Don’t say anything stupid. Don’t say anything stupid. Don’t say anything stupid.” Then the tube went in my throat, which was very mildly uncomfortable, and after five or ten minutes, the whole event was over. I was wheeled back to my hospital room while the drugs wore off, and eventually the doctor came in to tell me that everything looked just fine.

I realize that this is sort of a boring story, but the thing is, that’s good. I’m basically encouraging all of you to go to the doctor and get checked out if you ever feel sick or otherwise off. It can be scary, but it probably won’t be as bad as your imagination might make it out to be. But trust me, I’m as disappointed as you that this scope wasn’t shoved up my ass instead, because that would have been a whole different newsletter.

Davida drove us home, and I relaxed with her for the rest of the day.

Once I was feeling a little better, I was spitballing ideas, and asked her, “What if I combined all the signature burgers from McDonald’s, Burger King, and Wendy’s, to make a giant stupid burger?”

She said, “So basically, you’re going to celebrate the fact that you’re feeling better by eating garbage.”

I busted into a big grin and said, “Yeah.”

For this piece, I decided to pick up a Big Mac from McDonald’s, a Whopper from Burger King, and a Baconator from Wendy’s.

I would call this dumb fuckin’ thing: The McWhopponator. For obvious reasons.

I brought the gang out of witness protection to take the photos. It turns out our cats Scorpion and Sub-Zero like to attack them, and the thought of losing any of them to violence was too much for me to bear, so they are hidden all day now. Safety first.

I generally avoid Burger King.

When I was a kid, eating at Burger King was a big deal, since Whoppers were giant and eating one made me feel like an adult. The issue is, when you’re a dumb kid, you don’t realize that Burger King’s meat is basically smoke-flavored, low grade beef, full of gristle and flame-broiled disappointment.

Big Macs are really good if you’re in the mood for them.

I think they’re less about the burger, and more about the overall combination of Big Mac sauce, pickles, onions, and cheese. If you stuck a desiccated dog turd in between a sesame seed bun with all those toppings, I’d probably be perfectly happy eating that too.

Finally, the Baconator.

I’m actually kind of shocked the Baconator from Wendy’s got as popular as it did, considering they’re kind of boring. It’s a fat double cheeseburger with bacon, mayo, and ketchup on it. That’s it. I guess the patties are square, which adds a mysterious flavor to them.

Baconator. That’s sort of a threatening name, when you think about it. Yeah, I’ll order the burger that sounds like it wants to punch me in the face.

For the bun, I figured I’d use the Whopper’s.

Not only does it have sesame seeds on it, its circumference would be big enough to hold five beef patties. Trust me. I’m a burger architect.

Next, I’d put the contents of the Big Mac right on top.

If that looks like a lot of Big Mac sauce, that’s because it is. I ordered extra to ensure I’d have enough for the McWhopponator. This is called careful planning.

Finally, I rested the Baconator innards on top.

I hate to admit it, but this thing was actually starting to look good. It smelled great too, kind of like my bunghole after hiking in the hot sun all day. Hope that description got your appetite roaring. I’m a master with words, what can I say?

I felt guilty just looking at this thing.

Dirty. So dirty.

The McWhopponator was too much for this world, and crumbled to pieces after I cut it in half.

I managed to squish one half down for a monster bite.

I hate to say this, but it was delicious, and unfortunately so. The smoky Whopper meat came through clearly, and blended with bites from the superior Wendy’s patties, it didn’t seem so offensive. I couldn’t really taste the McDonald’s beef, but the Big Mac sauce more than made up for it. The pickles did a good job cutting through the noise, and the ketchup also livened up the whole show.

I’m hungry just reminiscing about this Frankenburger. What’s fucked is I housed half of the McWhopponator in like five minutes, which was equivalent to a two-and-a-half patty cheeseburger. I would have eaten the rest of it, but then I realized that one, I had just been in the hospital, and two, that would have been a quintuple cheeseburger in my stomach.

“Hey babe,” I said to Davida, “I can taste every single element to each burger in this thing!” I was excited, thinking my palate had evolved to a superhuman level.

“That’s sad,” she said. She cautiously took a bite. “This tastes like capitalism.”

Turns out she was exactly right.

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Hey, clowns, thanks for reading. Don’t forget to share this on social media! As much as social media is a cesspool that’s slowly destroying society, it sure helps the newsletter. I’m not sure how I feel about that last statement.

Next, don’t forget to consider a paid subscription to Food is Stupid. You’ll get extra content, unlock all the extra previous content at foodisstupid.substack.com, and help pay to get the other half of the McWhopponator dislodged from my butthole. Wait, what?

As always, I love you guys. I’ll see you in your inboxes soon, and don’t forget to go to the doctor every now and then. If I can handle it, you’ll be a goddamn champion.