The Doritos Locos Tacos Four Loko Cocoa Loco Moco
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Read the subject of this post out loud.
Then do it again, except louder.
Now you should feel infinitely stupider, and if you look in the mirror, both of your eyes will be pointing in opposite directions.
The whole time, you are thinking, “Why, Dannis Ree? Your food writing is already difficult to read. How did you somehow make it even harder to read? I haven’t even gotten to the article yet!”
Here’s the gang chillin’ with some of the ingredients for today’s bad decision. They’ll wait here until we get back from a little side story.
If you’ve come to visit me at Paulie Gee’s Logan Square for dinner, or just hung out with me lately, you’ll sometimes see me wearing one of my favorite possessions: My Four Loko hat.
It’s a pretty cool hat. Only cool guys wear hats that say Four Loko on them.
If, for some unusual reason, you do not know what Four Loko is, here’s a quick rundown: Four Loko is a shitty alcoholic beverage that is a mix of shitty flavored soda and shitty tasting alcohol.
When Four Loko was originally released, it was a combination energy drink and high-octane alcoholic drink, meaning it was designed to fuel over-the-top drunken atrocities.
Can you imagine what would happen, if, say, teenagers got a hold of them?
Well. Those very same teenagers are the reason the caffeine has been removed from the product. If you want to find the best thing ever written about Four Loko, check this out.
In conclusion, Four Loko is the greatest beverage ever created.
As I was mulling over what I could do with Four Loko, I said, “Four Loko Moco sounds hilarious. Let’s do that.”
Then Davida said, slowly, counting the words on her fingers (this actually happened, by the way), “How about a Doritos Locos Taco Four Loko Cocoa Loco Moco?”
That is when the blood started running out of my ears.
Using my childlike sense of logic, I chose to cook with fruit punch flavored Four Loko because fruit punch is red.
Red wine is also red. Very professional food professionals say that red wine often belongs with red meat, so red Four Loko is best for red meat. Do not question this.
Did you guys know that Four Loko is 12-14% alcohol by volume? That is fucking insane! If Hawaiian Punch and rubbing alcohol had a baby, it would be fruit punch Four Loko. I hate it.
To create the loco moco gravy, I reduced Four Loko, poured in beef broth that was in my pantry for God knows how long, and then took a shit directly into the saucepan.
Just kidding. That is Taco Bell seasoned ground beef. If you ask the people nicely at Taco Bell to pack everything separately, they will happily do it for you. If you are embarrassed about it like I was, then you can make up a story like, “I’m getting this for my kids. I don’t want these tacos to be soggy when they get home from school.”
The thing is, I actually said that to the nice Taco Bell lady, and the other thing is, we don’t have kids.
I needed some starch to thicken up this Doritos Locos Tacos Four Loko Cocoa Loco Moco gravy, so with a stroke of genius (or an actual stroke), I tore up a Dorito's Locos Taco shell and simmered it in the sauce.
The kitchen actually smelled really great at this point. Meaty, a little sweet, very sexual.
Guess what, dickholes?
The Doritos shell dissolved and thickened up the gravy nicely. You dirtbags can call me Julia Child from now on.
Since I was sticking closely to tradition, I just browned up some ground beef into a single misshapen patty.
I probably should just have eaten that and called it a day, but since you guys have been paying to read this kind of material, sacrifices were necessary.
To sub out the rice and to prolong this joke as long as humanly possible, I used a bed of generic cocoa-flavored rice cereal from ALDI.
The alternate title to this post would be “50 Shades of Brown.” Look at how appealing that is. Now, let’s cover it with brown Taco Bell meat gravy, and a fried egg, and never visit Hawaii due to the shame we have brought upon them today.
Why…why was this so good?
Red meat goes strangely well with crunchy chocolate cereal, and the Taco Bell Four Loko gravy was both sweet and fast-foody. I couldn’t taste the Dorito shell in the sauce, but it certainly helped the gravy thicken up smoothly. The egg made each bite that much richer, and I laughed while I ate. Then I kept eating. And laughing.
Davida said, mid-bite, “This is the perfect thing to bring to a frat boy luau. This might be the first experiment in a long time that we actually finish eating.”
Ugh. Turns out a long play on words combining multiple dishes and a regrettable alcoholic beverage ended up being a wild success. Here I was thinking we were just being insufferable.
The Doritos Locos Tacos Four Loko Cocoa Loco Moco.
God, my head hurts just thinking about it.
As always, share the shit out of this on social media (no, seriously), forward it to people you hate, and consider a paid subscription so I can keep needlessly buying Taco Bell for future experiments. Some paid-only content is coming next week, which is a little continuing bonus from today.
