Taco takoyaki

or is it tacoyaki

Hi, clowns!

First off, just a heads up — no newsletter next week. Davida and I are going on vacation, and coincidentally enough, we’re headed back to Disney World, which is where we went on our last major trip. Last time we went with my side of the family, this time we’re going with hers. I’ll be sure to cram a Dole Whip up my ass in your honor.

Today’s edition of Food is Stupid is a worldly one, because we are mashing up two excellent foods from two different countries: Japan and Mexico. Davida came up with today’s idea, which sort of manifested itself as a shower thought. I basically just heard her batting around some words underneath her breath, until two of them became clearly audible.

“Taco takoyaki,” she said. Then she looked at me. “Taco takoyaki!”

I guess I should have expected something involving takoyaki to make it to the newsletter at some point, because Davida loves those spherical Japanese octopus pancakes more than anything. If takoyaki is ever on the menu at a restaurant, it’s now to the point where I won’t even say anything and just tack them onto our order.

But how would I taco-fy this takoyaki? First off, I thought perhaps I could involve Taco Bell in some fashion, but since I’ve incorporated Taco Bell into my cooking plenty of times before, I figured I’d go a different route today.

Instead, I figured I could use ingredients from a legit taco to make this taco takoyaki. You see, Davida and I live in a Chicago neighborhood that has an absolute wealth of Mexican restaurants, and the tacos here are so good I’m not sure why I wouldn’t let one of the taqueros handle that part.

But this was going to get kind of complicated, because as much as we love eating takoyaki, I’d never made any before. That’s because those octopus pancakes need some specific cooking equipment, which I ordered off Amazon. (All thanks to your subscriptions, by the way.)

It turns out that electric takoyaki makers do exist (there’s stovetop pans too), and the one I found was only about $30, which is pretty good for kitchen gear.

I also bundled in some takoyaki mix, and the rest of the stuff I needed I grabbed at various grocery stores, including pre-cooked octopus, which our local Korean grocer carries in the fresh sashimi display. Then I got some carne asada tacos from this tiny little taqueria down the street that’s hidden away in a grocery store (Chicago rules!). I can’t wait until we eventually get taco trucks on every corner; that sounds like paradise.

I unboxed the takoyaki maker and took a look at it.

It seemed straightforward enough. It was non-stick, and all you do is plug it in and choose what color of doneness you want your pancakes to be cooked to. There’s not even a power button or anything. The gang seemed a little worried I was going to cook them into pancakes, but I assured them they were safe unless they attacked me in the middle of the night again.

Even though takoyaki batter is pretty simple to make from scratch, I wanted to try using this premade pancake mix, since I felt like it was one less thing to potentially fuck up on my own.

The thing is, this mix was an imported one from Japan, and so there were no English instructions on it. I had to peel off the American nutritional label on back to try and decipher the directions, which were written directly beneath it.

After struggling for a while and ripping the sticky paper, I walked over to Davida and said, “Help!”

I watched her furrow her brows and peel away at it and suddenly she said, “Shit.” She handed the package back to me with plenty of label intact and in retrospect, I’m not entirely sure what I was expecting anyway. Because now that I could see most of what was there, it suddenly occurred to me that I still couldn’t read Japanese.

Thank God for modern translation technology, however.

I used Google Lens to try and get a fix on how to make this stuff, and I got some really useful information superimposed on the package. It told me I would need takoyaki powder (cool), it neglected to translate one word altogether, and then it said I would need “mouth watering” and “mouth calluses” to make my pancakes.

So, I just dumped a bunch of citric acid in my mouth and sandpapered the insides of my cheeks to get started. Once I realized that when this wasn’t working, I changed my strategy a bit.

I looked at the quantities of ingredients closely. One was measured in grams, so I assumed that was the weight of takoyaki mix I’d need, another simply said “2,” so I grabbed two eggs (these were pancakes, after all), and the last line item read “500 milliliters” of something, which I took to mean water.

So I dumped everything into a mixing bowl and prayed I’d gotten it right.

I was a little nervous, because if I hadn‘t guessed correctly, I’d have to make everything from scratch. I wasn’t mentally prepared for that.

Fortunately, I think I did everything correctly, because the batter consistency I ended up with was exactly the same as the stuff I saw people making on YouTube.

I learned that takoyaki batter is extremely runny to the point where I’d describe it as watery, which is why I transferred it to my glass measuring cup, since it has a pouring spout.

Then I filled my new takoyaki maker with batter to take it on its maiden voyage.

I could feel the heat coming off of it so I knew it was working, which was promising.

For something called “octopus pancakes,” takoyaki really doesn’t have much octopus in it, just one little chunk per ball.

So I tossed one piece in per mold and let the machine do its thing for a bit.

Once I saw that the edges of the takoyaki were starting to firm up, I sprinkled a bunch of carne asada from the taco on top.

It didn’t have to look perfect since I eventually had to start flipping the pancake balls anyway. Heh. I have pancake balls. Wait, what?

The takoyaki pan came with a pair of these nifty little picks that you use to flip each pancake.

It takes some practice, however, because you saw how runny the pancake batter originally was. The takoyaki balls end up being pretty mushy and delicate, so you have to be careful and do the opposite of what I did. Most of my attempts involved me straight-up skewering these things until their guts were all over the pan.

Whatever, they all looked perfect to me.

Now, if you’ve never had takoyaki, part of what makes it so damn delicious is what comes on top.

The traditional kind I’ve had in the past always had at least four things on them: a thick and sweet soy-based takoyaki sauce, Kewpie mayo, shredded seaweed, and katsuobushi, which is dried bonito flakes. This combination also happens to be my skincare routine, which is why I always look like I’m shedding my skin and also why I always smell like smoked fish.

I drizzled a shitload of takoyaki sauce on top of the pancakes and knew shit was about to get serious.

Then came the delicious eggy Kewpie.

But remember, this was taco takoyaki, which meant I had to top these octopus and carne asada pancakes with taco trimmings too.

That’s why I spooned both of the red and green salsas I got with my tacos on top of this pile of balls that was now starting to look like a 3D masterpiece by Jackson “Dannis Ree” Pollock.

Of course, I couldn’t forget about the onions and cilantro, either, gotta add plenty of those.

Then I crumbled some roasted seaweed on top.

This is the Korean kind of seaweed, which is sometimes prepared with a bit of oil, and should explain why my hand looks like I just greased it up. But the truth is, my hand always looks like this.

And finally, the finishing touch: a shitload of bonito flakes.

Bonito flakes are absolutely delicious. They taste like smoked MSG and look like flesh-colored pencil shavings. What’s extra cool is that bonito is even traditionally shaved using a tool that looks like an actual pencil sharpener.

What’s double cool is that if you put bonito flakes on top of something hot, they start dancing and curling around, almost as if they’re alive. It’s okay, you don’t have to cry. The fish ghost will only start haunting you after you eat it.

I finished the taco takoyaki with a fat squeeze of lime and looked proudly upon my hairy-looking plate of food.

I clearly belong in a 12-star Michelin kitchen. Ramsey, you hiring? I feel like being called an “idiot sandwich” and I want to dodge a few plates thrown my way.

Each taco takoyaki ball I picked up with my cute little fork looked like every cat toy we’ve fished out from beneath the refrigerator.

These things tasted way better, though, because I inhaled half the plate just standing around the kitchen. I mean, I was just shoveling these things in my facehole like there was no tomorrow. (Frankly at this rate there might be no tomorrow, but, uh, let’s talk about taco-tako balls instead.)

Basically, you experience these things from the outside in, so you get the smoky bonito along with savory takoyaki sauce, spicy and acidic salsa, and then you get the fatty mayo with the crisp onions and fresh cilantro. The pancake itself is mushy, but then there are the chewy meaty bits inside, which frankly, could be anything at this point since there’s so much flavor going on at once. It’s fucking glorious.

But you all secretly knew these were gonna be good, right? Mexican food is amazing and Japanese food is amazing, there’s no doubt about that. Weird thinking that anyone would want to push it (and the people), away. Sure beats the shit out of rock-hard steaks with ketchup, anyway. Now that’s just disgusting.

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Good thing I have plenty of leftover ingredients. If you guys enjoyed today’s edition of Food is Stupid, don’t forget to hit that little heart button — and share it. Shares help the newsletter grow, and today’s is a freebie anyway!

Today’s also the best day ever to upgrade your subscription, too. Like I said, we’re going on vacation next week, but Food is Stupid is one of the longer-running food newsletters on Substack, going on well over five years now.

There’s a ton of evergreen content behind that paywall, tomes worth, even. If you think I’m exaggerating, today’s edition is the 309th. Binge on all the old shit. Go nuts. Regular social media’s a drag anyway. Might as well gorge on butt jokes and repulsive food experiments.

With that, we’re about off to sunnier Florida, so have a great week while I run in terror from a giant Pinocchio or something. As always, I love you guys, and I’ll see you when we get back.