Red onion hard seltzer

And introducing two new babies

Greetings, clowns!

My short writing break was nice, but it was busy. Some of you follow me on social media already, but Davida and I did something big, and I might as well let the cat(s) out of the bag right away and introduce our two newly-adopted kittens: Scorpion and Sub-Zero!

Scorpion (boy) is the ginger one, and Sub-Zero (girl) is the black and white one, and they are from the same litter.

They have already been neutered and spayed, and are having fun being city cats after moving from the country. As you can see by their names, they like to fight each other and run around in circles. When they are tuckered out they crawl up on us and lay down with their stinky buttholes in our faces, which is a complete joy for everyone involved.

I will say, it’s been hard not to think of Cricket and Nugget every day since they’ve passed, but it’s already clear to us that Scorpion and Sub-Zero have different personalities, and unlike Cricket and Nugget, these two actually like being near each other. They bite each other on the ass out of love, not out of spite. So you can expect occasional pictures of them as they join the Food is Stupid crew and I promise not to feed them (too much) garbage. I have not introduced the kittens to Harvey, Mr. Bee, and Pepper yet, because I am afraid they will eat the gang, but…baby steps.

Now, this week’s edition of the newsletter involves my newfound appreciation for hard seltzer. If you enjoy an occasional alcoholic beverage, hard seltzer is one of the most easygoing drinks you can have, especially during the summer. I used to think it was a silly fad, but I’ve come around to really enjoying it as an alternative to beer. These days I’m doing occasional reviews for new varieties at The Takeout, and I have to say, they’re pretty fun.

It can be very refreshing, it’s typically pretty easy on the alcohol, and the cans are typically sleek and slim, which make them perfect to shove up your ass after you’re done drinking from them.

Now, coincidentally, I’ve been sitting on a very unusual product from the local Korean grocery store for about a month now, and if you can’t read English, it says, “100% Red Onion Juice.”

It was $14 for this giant box, and I honestly had no idea what the hell I was going to do with it.

The juice comes in small 100-milliliter packets, and apparently sitting around drinking it is good for you. Worst Capri Sun flavor ever.

I don’t know exactly how or why it’s good for you, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I had an entire case, and I needed to figure out what to do with it.

“Dannis Ree,” you say to yourself. “Despite that intro about hard seltzer, I have no idea where you are going with this onion juice. What exactly are you going to do with this very interesting ingredient?”

Guys, hold on to your seats.

I’m going to turn it into…hard seltzer.

There is no hard and fast rule when it comes to defining hard seltzer, from what I’ve gathered so far.

Really, hard seltzer just has to be bubbly water with some form of alcohol in it. So I decided not to overthink things, and bought a brand-new Sodastream (these things are expensive, fuck) along with some vodka to turn it into a terrible adult LaCroix.

First of all, I’d have to try the stuff by itself.

I tore open a pack and poured it into a glass. So far, it looked pretty much like I expected, with a nice unfiltered purple color, and then I took a deep whiff. It definitely smelled heavily like onion, but without that eye-welling acridity to it. Then I took a sip, cocked my head to the side, and asked Scorpion, “Why does this taste good?”

He didn’t answer me. I looked at Sub-Zero, who was sleeping on the couch.

Honestly, the stuff is actually okay without being offensive. I was thinking it’d taste fresher and sweeter, but this is actually more along the savory side with a touch of sulfur to it. Congratulations to me, I’m now an onion juice sommelier!

This is my new Sodastream, straight from the box.

Now, here’s the thing: I really, really, wanted to just pour a bunch of red onion juice into the bottle along with some alcohol and just call it a day. However, I have previous experience with these Sodastream devices, and the lesson is that you are not supposed to put anything other than water in them.

We had one at an old office I used to work at, and one of my coworkers thought it would be a good idea to pour an entire bottle of Goldschläger into a Sodastream bottle to try and carbonate it. (If you’ve never had the cinnamon-flavored, gold-flake filled liqueur, consider yourself lucky.)

When he activated the Sodastream, Goldschläger sprayed everywhere. It got all over the cubicles, it got all over my coworker, it got all over the carpet, it got on me. The place smelled like cinnamon for at least a week.

Also, if you put anything other than water in a Sodastream, you void the warranty.

Harvey hopped out of the device and I put in a bottle of water.

After a few presses of the button, voila, I had bubble water. While it’s a simple process, it’s definitely kind of entertaining to watch. It’s like farting into a bathtub but incredibly sped up.

I put the red onion juice in a mason jar, and poured some vodka into it.

This actually sounds like the beginning of a hipster cocktail. I think it’s fallen out of fashion to make fun of hipsters now, though. One, it’s too easy, and two, it’s mean to make fun of a sweaty-looking, aging population, who thought handlebar mustaches were ever cool.

I topped the jar off with my new crispy bottled water.

Modern technology is truly amazing. Now I can make this shit whenever I want. It’s making me wonder what a bathtub full of carbonated water would feel like, though. Those tiny bubbles all up in your business and everything.

The final result looked like a quart of pee from a dehydrated person. Mission accomplished.

I took a big sip, farting it up the whole time, and marveled in the fact that my new red onion hard seltzer tasted like mildly alcoholic, lightly fizzy, vegetable broth. Shit, guys, this is the ticket. This is how I’m going to get rich. Red onion hard seltzer. Let’s throw some probiotics in it too. Here, I’ll tell you what, if I become a trillionaire off this idea, I’ll throw a party and only you guys are invited.

Davida tried some and said, “This tastes like fizzy French onion soup.” She wasn’t wrong. So which one of you wants to invest your entire life savings to this project to help me get it off the ground?

All I need is a check. Make it payable to Dannis Ree. We’ll be trillionaires.

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Hey, if you liked seeing our new kittens, make sure you share this post on social media. If you’re going to get a few minutes of joy out of it, you might as well spread the love to the rest of the internet, right? Plus, I’m telling you—it really makes this thing grow.

Now, the most important part: Please become a paid subscriber! As part of this exclusive club, you’ll get extra editions of the newsletter nearly every week, plus you’ll have full run of the paid archives too, via the web version at foodisstupid.substack.com.

Plus, for this week’s paid content I may actually ruin this brand new Sodastream by trying to carbonate another interesting juice I found alongside the red onion one.

I’ll see some of you in your inboxes later this week, and I’m off to play with the kittens. Love you all, and don’t forget to say hi.