Mapoo tofu

I made mapo tofu using tofu-based kitty litter

Hi clowns!

Some of you may or may not have noticed I took last week off. I needed a brief mental break because I’ve been going non-stop lately, and I was starting to feel a little crispy around the edges. Everyone gets burnt out sometimes, and that includes your favorite Gatorade bread baker. But hi, idiots, I’m back!

This week, I’ve got a pretty gnarly edition of Food is Stupid, specifically because it involves eating kitty litter. A few of you have followed my writing since the old days, back when I had a blog called The Pizzle, which I still keep online for old time’s sake. (If you haven’t seen it yet and you’re a fan of the newsletter, you’re about to lose your fucking mind.)

One of the posts I’m most proud of from back in those days is “Yes, You’re Reading This Correctly: Kitty Litter Jalapeño Cornbread.” You see, I’d discovered a new type of biodegradable kitty litter called “World’s Best Kitty Litter,” and in a way, the name isn’t wrong. It’s made out of cornmeal, and as you can guess, I turned it into some jalapeño cornbread, which ended up being hilariously good.

So guess what? I found a new kind of biodegradable kitty litter, and this one so happens to be made out of a really surprising ingredient: tofu. Obviously the first thing that goes through your head when you think of kitty litter should be, “What does this taste like?” and “How can I cook with this material that my cats are supposed to take a dump in?” Or is that just me?

As the greatest food writer in all of history, I said to myself, “I should cook using this tofu-based kitty litter. But what is a very delicious tofu dish you can make with it?”

I thought for a while, then I looked at my Asian self in the mirror and said solemnly, “Mapoo tofu.”

Then I stood there for a full hour, nodding to myself, whispering, “This is how you lose James Beard awards. And friends.”

Korean people are big fans of mapo tofu, which is an absolutely delicious Chinese dish from Sichuan province.

I’m guessing many of you have had it. For those of you who haven’t, it’s cubed tofu that’s stir-fried in a spicy chile sauce along with Sichuan pepper, which is the shit that makes your mouth all numb when you eat it. All the versions I’ve had from Korean-owned Chinese restaurants don’t have the Sichuan pepper in it (I’m guessing that flavor isn’t as popular in Korea), which is an interesting detail.

You can buy premade packets of mapo tofu sauce at the Korean grocery store, and if you’re not in the mood to cook very much, all you have to do is slap this shit in a pan along with some tofu and whatever else you feel like tossing in. Korean convenience food is awesome.

I wasn’t kidding when I said this was tofu-based cat litter.

It says so in big letters on the front of the package. Whose bright brown idea was this? I understand the need for biodegradable litter, since clay-based stuff just takes up space in landfills, but tofu specifically? What an interesting choice. That opens up a whole world of litter possibilities.

Imagine your cat droppin’ a hot one in pasta. How about Rice Krispies? That way you’d know if your cat went #1 or #2, based off the crackling noises coming from the litter box. Kellogg, if you make Rice Krispie kitty litter, you better give me a cut of that good shit because I’m a goddamn genius.

The tofu litter comes in a skinny little pellet form.

I popped one in my mouth, which is a perfectly normal thing for an adult human to do, and immediately regretted it. The issue wasn’t with the flavor, which did in fact, taste like dried soy flour, but it was more about the texture. This shit is fucking gritty. It felt like there was sand in it or something, because it made this horrible crunching sensation between my teeth that I absolutely despised.

I poured some water in it to see just how absorbent this tofu litter was.

It gradually disintegrated into a weird sort of porridge-like substance.

The tofu litter did not absorb liquid particularly well, in my opinion.

Fuck. That’s no good. How was I supposed to use this in a stir-fry dish? I tried a little of the wet paste, and unfortunately, it was still sandy, but it still tasted okay.

My first instinct was to fry it up into little pancakes.

I was hoping it would gel up into a solid like polenta does when it’s fried, that way I could turn it into cubes and throw it into the stir-fry.

Too bad flipping the litter pancakes didn’t work at all.

They more or less stayed like a cream of wheat consistency, but despite that, I let them keep frying in the pan for a while.

I half-heartedly scooped out the mushy discs and plopped the rest of the rehydrated kitty litter into the frying pan.

This was not going well, plus I had some kind of lacy material starting to form at the bottom of the skillet, which was going to be a nightmare to clean out later.

I smushed everything together into a single patty and let it cool off on a plate.

Interestingly, the lacy portion of the tofu litter that was still in the pan had formed a massive cracker-like sheet that peeled right out.

Davida marched into the kitchen, broke off a piece of it, and then crunched on it before I could do or say anything. “Mmm,” she said, “This is good,” as I watched in disbelief. Then she walked away in slow motion like a goddamn champion.

After the tofu mixture had cooled off, however, it had firmed up enough for me to chop it into rough gummy cubes.

Phew. This edition of the newsletter wasn’t completely fucked after all.

I fried off some pork belly and some diced white onion, then threw in the sauce packet along with the kitty litter tofu cakes.

I tossed all of it into a bowl and sprinkled some green onions on top, since I love a pop of color when helping myself to some used kitty litter, and dug in.

Well, let’s start with the good part first: It tasted pretty decent. Korean mapo tofu sauce packets contain a lot of spice along with MSG, so it gave off instant ramen-like vibes in terms of flavor. But that gritty sandy texture didn’t cook away, so I was left with what felt like actual kitty litter in between my teeth. I mean, I could hear this shit in my head when I chewed on it, that’s how bad it was. This stuff could be coated in truffles and caviar and I still wouldn’t be able to eat it without shouting.

Davida tried some and said, “Ew. The grittiness is much less palatable in this form. It’s like mapo tofu if you cooked it on the literal street.”

Other than the goddamn sand, I think it would have been more or less okay to eat, aside from the fact that cats are supposed to take an actual shit in it. Is this my crowning achievement? Probably not, but that’s okay, since I got to type out the words, “mapoo tofu.” So who’s the fuckin’ winner now?!

Uh, still not me, I guess. Because I ate kitty litter.

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Well, that was fun. Coincidentally, I took five full-sized dumps today before I waved the white flag and took some Pepto Bismol. If you enjoyed this post and that last sentence, please share this edition of Food is Stupid on social media, since it helps grow the newsletter (I’d really appreciate it, too):

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Later this week I’ll be making kitty litter miso soup. Along with extra editions of the newsletter multiple times a month, you’ll unlock full access to the archives at foodisstupid.substack.com, and I promise that you’ll have a stomach-clutching time in the best and worst way.

As always, I love you all. Hope you guys have a good week, and I’ll hop into some of your inboxes soon unless I crap my brains out and die or something, which could conceivably happen, knowing me.