Let's make some milk: Who wants lactation snacks?

a taste test of munchkin milkmakers snacks, which is a real name for a real brand

Greetings from snowy Chicago!

First things first: Dennis became an uncle last month! His wonderful sister and her husband had a beautiful baby girl and we couldn’t be more pumped. And believe it or not, this is relevant to this week’s newsletter experiment!

Sort of.

A few years ago, Dennis and I were wandering around Target and came across something that immediately piqued our interest: Lactation cookies.

We skimmed the copy on the box and discovered that these fun little confections are made with ingredients traditionally used to stimulate milk production in breastfeeding mothers. We agreed this would be a fun thing to taste test, but for whatever reason shelved the idea and forgot all about it…until his sister had her baby. Unfortunately, neither Dennis nor I are ready for motherhood. Thus, we can only use our melons in the sense of writing a flavor review, not to test the effectiveness of these treats, but we sure as hell can tell you whether or not they taste good. And that’s just as important, isn’ tit?

To cover all tastes, we bought three items: Lactation cheddar crisps, lactation oatmeal and chocolate chip cookie bites, and berry lemonade lactation drink mix.

To be honest, all of these things looked delicious and similar to stuff we’d buy anyway, but the fact that these are called Munchkin Milkmakers is a marketing feat wholly unmatched by anything else in our pantry. Also, the Amazon page included a reassurance that everything would arrive by Valentine’s Day. I’d love to sit down and have a drink with anyone in the world who saw that and breathed a sigh of relief.

Apparently the milk-boosting ingredients included in these crackers are oats and flaxseed, so it’s clear that a baby’s nutritional needs align closely to everything you may find in a Whole Foods, which is disappointing for us Aldi stans.

Hell yeah, bring on the milk. And the boobified M logo? Classic.

Davida: Similar texture to Wheat Thins, but I think that visually, they were going more for something like Cheez-Its or Cheese Nips, the latter of which would have been a much more fitting name for this product. They lac the saltiness of your average snack cracker, but that sort of gives the illusion that they’re better for you, so I’d be pretty happy crushing a box of these.

Dannis: At first glance, these look like cheese-flavored Wheat Thins. After my first bite, they also taste like cheese-flavored Wheat Thins that may or may not have sand in them. Is sand good for babies?

The graininess gets stuck in my teeth and slogging through a whole box of these things might be a little much for me, but who knows, they might be good on a charcuterie platter if you want to surprise some guests after this pandemic bullshit is over. The trick is that you can only tell your friends what they are after they’ve all finished eating them. “Surprise, everybody, look what we’ve been feeding you!”

In the case of these cookies, the secret sauce is oats, brewer’s yeast, and flaxseed to get everything running smoothly.

Davida: YUM! I enjoy these much in the same way that I must have enjoyed Chips Ahoy! as a kid, before I grew up and realized how disgustingly sweet they are. They’ve got a nice crunch to them, and they’re not as chokingly dusty as Chip’s Ahoy!, probably because they’re oatmeal cookies, which I also happen to love.

Dannis: These taste healthy. Which makes sense. You want your baby to be fueled by food that is healthy. The issue is, adults are allowed to eat luxurious unhealthy cookies all the time, if they want. Lactation cookies are malty dry biscuits that taste sort of like those Nature Valley granola bars that explode everywhere when you take a bite of them. Which is fine, but looking at these my mind says “Oh, these look like Famous Amos cookies” but my mouth says “this is horseshit.” Is the front of my shirt getting wet?

This magic elixir powder contains fenugreek, fennel, and milk thistle, which apparently are flavors that are good for sophisticated babies to have in their meals.

Honestly, it sounds like this stuff was brewed in the world’s bougiest cauldron.

You can also rack up your collagen intake with a whopping 1000g, as well as some B6 and B12 vitamins, for, uh, something important. Aren’t there a bunch of B vitamins in Red Bull? Is this for hungover babies, specifically?

Are we not allowed to feed babies Red Bull anymore, or was that just our parents’ generation?

Davida: Definitely the breast of the bunch. This would probably be my go-to out of all these, because I’m a sucker for sweet beverages. It goes down smooth and silky, although the texture might be a turn off for some— unless you’re some freak who drinks Crystal Light and thinks, “Damn, if only this were slightly thicker.” The flavor is also nice and tangy. Too bad they don’t sell it in cans, or even jugs.

Dannis: This is the silkiest fizzy drink packet I’ve ever had. It’s like that Emergen-C drink mix, except it’s coating the inside of my mouth. Is that good? I like it just fine, even though it’s a little vitaminy afterwards. Also, what is that weird stain on the wall behind the glass in the picture? Do we live in squalor? I’d make a terrible mother.

This one was a lot of fun. Again, we weren’t able to milk the purported benefits of these lactation snacks, but flavor-wise, Dennis and I had some clear disagreements. I guess it’s probably for the best that I viewed the snacks more favorably, considering I’m the one with th—

I’ve got b—

My…

Ugh. You know what I mean.

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She means boobs. Hola! Dannis here. Everyone, thank Davida for being hilarious as usual. If you’ve been curious about these snacks, well, now you know. I’m feeling like I need a big glass of milk for some reason. As usual, if you all enjoyed the post, as a small social fee, please share it on social media:

And for those of you who are new or you’ve enjoyed reading Food is Stupid for a while, consider a paid subscription, because these snacks aren’t cheap. You get bonus content and this unlocks the archives of subscriber-only stuff that was sent out in the past on the web version of the site at foodisstupid.substack.com.

Later this week I’m going to crack open a Spaghetti-O popsicle I’ve had in the freezer since the last newsletter went out, and I’ll describe it in great detail to paid subscribers, who will probably leave in droves, screaming.

Hang in there, all, we love you. You’re doing great.