JFC, KFC
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Good morning, dinguses! Actually, you’re not dinguses. I’m the real dingus around here.
I suppose, by now, you’ve heard that Kentucky Fried Chicken is testing out a new sandwich. KFC is also testing your intelligence.
This is because this sandwich is just a piece of fried chicken between two glazed donuts.
Two donuts, and shitty chicken.
That’s it.
This is a photo of the sandwich out in the wild.
Substack doesn’t allow for photo links (yet), so credit to this picture goes to The Impulsive Buy (which also has an earnest review).
This is a vulgar photo. It is the kind of photo that you don’t want up on your monitor when your boss walks by, because they will not believe that you were looking at food. We’ve all seen movies that ended this way.
Strangely, people are already going nuts for it. Like the Washington Post.
Since it is just chicken and donuts, I bought chicken and donuts to try it for myself.
Before you food nerds start waving your fists around, shouting, yes, I know that this is not an original creation. There’s restaurants around the country that serve chicken and donut sandwiches, including right here in Chicago. I do not care about that. I just want to cause general mayhem. Listen, you guys know I’m not going to win a Pulitzer.
Also, at this point, a lot of you grammar nerds are saying, “Dannis Ree, you are the greatest writer on the face of this planet. Why are you spelling doughnut as “donut?”
That is because it just looks funnier that way.
Donut.
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Davida suggested I try multiple types of donuts to see if any were better than the plain glazed version.
Also…if I hadn’t listened to her, I wouldn’t have very much to write about today.
Here is the regular KFC chicken sandwich, which usually comes with pickles and mayo, but for the sake of this experiment, I just needed the meat.
Also, there’s now some creepy video game where you’re supposed to sex up Colonel Sanders and apparently he was also a shitbag. I knew I couldn’t trust that goatee.
That’s weird, the chicken and donut sandwich just tasted like chicken and donuts.
Not to say that this is a bad thing.
You’ve had chicken. You’ve had donuts. Congratulations, you’ve already eaten this sandwich. I can’t understand why this thing requires two entire donuts as opposed to one sliced in half, but hey, life has no meaning and neither does this sandwich.
Since everything was just kind of dry, I decided to add coleslaw to the bullshit.
You aren’t allowed to argue with me. KFC’s coleslaw is the best coleslaw ever made. It’s so good that it actually made this boring sandwich taste like actual food. It added crunch, moisture, and sharpness that it was sorely lacking.
My favorite donut of all time is the Boston cream donut, so I had to dive in balls deep with this one.
For the record, I have now ruined my beautiful relationship with this donut. Mostly because I defied God by eating fried chicken with chocolate glaze and vanilla pudding. You know, I really do go earnestly into these experiments trying to find true gems, but it is moments like this that I understand I’ve been staring into the anus of Satan the entire time.
Speaking of Satan’s anus, I also tried a jelly donut version.
It’s fairly easy to pair fruit with chicken. But not like this. Right away, the jelly wasn’t so bad, but eventually just the sickly sweetness of it just overtook the fried chicken, then it overthrew the government of a small country, and caused a civil war.
‘Tis the season for pumpkin spice donut and chicken sandwiches.
No, it’s not. I also hate cake donuts because I’m a miserable human being, but given the choice between a bag of rocks or a cake donut, you know I’m going to the dentist with a mouth full of broken teeth.
To try and create a more ideal, lighter version of the original sandwich, I sliced a French cruller in half for a better ratio.
Well, I tried at least. The donut collapsed and the pathetic bite I took just made me feel a deep, je ne sais quoi, ennui? Je ne sais pas pourquoi j'ai commencé à écrire en français. Évidemment, je ne parle pas français, je le fais donc simplement avec Google Translate.
Merci comme toujours, pour la lecture, et s'il vous plaît envisagez de vous inscrire afin que vous puissiez sponsoriser mon regard dans les profondeurs du trou du cul de Satan.
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