Is toilet paper edible?
Because seriously what the fuck
We are living through some frightening times. It is okay to be scared.
From where we’re sitting, Davida and I are probably going to have it a little rough for a while. We both have service jobs. Paulie Gee’s Logan Square, where I make pizza, is mostly on lockdown, doing takeout and delivery only, for the time being. Pretty much the rest of Chicago’s restaurants are just straight up closed, and the entire industry is terrified about our future.
Davida’s job at a spa is also currently on hold, which means she and I are going to be playing a lot of video games for a while.
This is hard. This is really, really, heartbreaking. For the love of God, just stay home for a while. This has gone way beyond the hand-washing thing. Being bored is not going to kill you.
AND STOP BUYING SO MUCH TOILET PAPER BECAUSE JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK.
Unlike you clowns, we haven’t been able to hoard toilet paper. Go figure.
I’m trying to limit the times I’m going out. You’re all insane:
So, this got me thinking the same question as all of you.
“Dannis Ree, as the greatest food writer in all of history, you must have an answer to this,” I said to myself. “Why the fuck are people buying so much toilet paper?”
Then a lightbulb went on in my head, and I nodded to myself.
You all must be eating it.
To answer my suspicions, I asked an all-star roster of industry folks one question: Is toilet paper edible?
Here are the answers.
Daniel Gritzer, Culinary Director at Serious Eats
Daniel says, “It is, but you have to sprout it first. To do that, pack it into a mason jar, piss into the jar, seal it, and set it behind the toilet for 17 weeks. After that, I really like it with stewed kidneys, just to enhance that inherent pee flavor.”
Ali Khan, Host of Cheap Eats on Cooking Channel
Ali responded with, “Mmmmmmm. No. But IMO edible is an ideal vs a feasible possibility.”
Interesting. Also, Ali has a blog called Bang For Your Burger Buck and a YouTube show called Ali vs. The Dome. Check them out.
Allison Robicelli, Staff Writer, The Takeout
Allison says, “Probably? I mean, it’s fiber.”
Duff Goldman, Owner of Charm City Cakes and Host of Ace of Cakes, Food Network
Duff responded with, “If you cook it right, sure.”
Josh Scherer, Host of Mythical Kitchen, author of Culinary Bro-Down
Josh says, “Toilet paper is edible. If you think it isn’t, throw three squares of Charmin into your next smoothie and tell me if you notice the difference. You won’t.”
J. Kenji López-Alt, Chief Culinary Consultant, Serious Eats, author of The Food Lab: Better Home Cooking Through Science
Kenji replied, “Inasmuch as “edible” means “fit to be eaten” and I can definitely fit toilet paper in me, yes?
Also, Kenji has a ton of shit going on. He’s a chef and partner at Wursthall, and he’s coming out with a children’s book, Every Night is Pizza Night, to be released later this year.
Richie Nakano, Industry Relations at ChefsFeed
Richie: “Yes. And the problem is that people over complicate their TP recipes. A simple Charmin Cacio e Pepe is both affordable and nutritious.”
Mike Sula, James Beard Award-Winning Writer, Handsome Man Who Looks Suspiciously Like Dannis Ree
You might remember Mike Sula from this fantastic piece earlier.
He said, “After I’ve used it? Yes.”
Chef Ethan Lim, Hermosa
Ethan says, “Yes. I have consumed papers in multiple forms.”
Davida, GBOAT (Greatest Babe of All Time)
Davida was trying to play video games while I asked her this very important question.
“Well, first of all, I’m trying to fight robots and I’m on fire. Fuck, can you ever really be prepared for a question like this? Can’t you ask someone else? I hate quarantine.”
There you have it.
Out of 10 replies, only one no. So I guess in a pinch (disgusting pun intended), experts agree that you can eat toilet paper. Nobody’s asked me what I think.
Maybe, you can, I don’t know. Roll sushi with it.
Right now, I don’t know what to say. Just take care of each other. We’ll be doing our best over here in our little apartment to keep laughing when we can, and helping out in the ways we know how.
Here’s the share button (which I still have never clicked on):
And please consider subscribing so we can get some toilet paper while we figure out what’s next.
I hate this, but Venmo: @dickholedannis.
(At least we’ll have more time to write.)
GodDAMN, that Mike Sula is a handsome motherfucker.
why would you NOT be able to eat paper? it's just wood! unless of course it is the scented kind, which has chemicals in it...