How did people survive the 70's?

I tried cooking a Weight Watchers recipe and this was a bad idea

Hello!

It’s your old friend, Dannis Ree. Wow. Using this new system makes me feel like my brain has been uploaded into a new body. This feels very interesting.

In any case, I was not expecting the explosion of email signups and paid subscribers all at once, to the point where it’s making me really nervous, so I better not mess this one up. I did not realize how passionately excited you get over seeing me nearly die every week. That, and you also really like me rambling on about flatulence.

So: My goal with Substack is to eventually gain enough subscribers so that I don’t have to beg for as many freelancing gigs to survive. That’s all. Freelancing is terrifying.

This week’s suggestion came from my friend Dam, who suggested I try cooking from one of these Weight Watchers recipe cards. They have interesting names like “Inspiration Soup,” and “Frankfurter Spectacular.” A lot of them also involve Jell-O in various vulgar forms.

One of them caught my attention: The Fluffy Mackerel Pudding.

What the fuck. Who puts those three words together?

I found the actual recipe from the card here. It’s pretty straightforward. And pretty gross. And most of it involved a blender or a food processor.

I whipped out my Ninja blender. I hate this thing so much. It’s a piece of shit. I got it for free and I almost wish I didn’t. It looks like it might be amazing but do not be fooled.

One of the reasons why this blender is stupid is because it’s 10 feet tall. Another reason is that, even though there are multiple levels of blades, they don’t make any sense other than maybe if you had a home invader, you could whip this thing out and pretend it’s some kind of actual ninja weapon.

Cleaning this thing is just an invitation for death.

The first two ingredients are celery and green bell pepper, finely chopped. I considered changing the recipe to suit my tastes but I did not want to ruin the original experience.

Once the vegetables are blended, you’re supposed to incorporate the rest of the ingredients — canned mackerel, mustard, dehydrated minced onions, mace (whoa), and cardamom (also whoa). I got the impression that you were just supposed to mix the ingredients in a bowl, but because I already had this piece of shit blender out I just decided to buzz all of this into a fish mash.

Yes, that is my camera strap in the photo.

And yes, I’m on a stepladder.

I hate you, Ninja blender. Go away.

After the rest of the ingredients were pulverized in a massive tornado of blades, I added the eggs. This is the most menacing-looking food photo I’ve ever taken. It should be in National Geographic.

This is the resulting mixture, poured into a ramekin. No.

Who came up with this recipe? Did someone give Betty Crocker a strong dose of methamphetamines? Because whoever made this recipe basically came up with what appears to be baked diarrhea.

I baked this little baby at 350°F for 40 minutes and contemplated death.

If you are the greatest food writer in all of history, like me, Dannis Ree, then you can take twee little photos of your food, top-down, with a shitty garnish of hardboiled egg (suggested by the recipe). The wilted celery leaf was totally my idea.

Then I took my first spoonful and almost passed out.

Imagine hot tuna salad, turned into baby food, and then turned into a fancy French soufflé. Then imagine that initial fishy, creamy bite leaving behind little tiny bits of celery fiber that will not go away because your Ninja blender is a useless asshole. How can a custard be chewy? How is that even possible?

And don’t get me started on the color.

Scrumptious.

Anyway, yes, Fluffy Mackerel Pudding is as awful as you’d imagine. And I was delighted.

Let me know if you have any suggestions in the comments and I just might take you up on them. And a request: If you like my stuff, share it! You can forward the email (even if it’s the paid stuff, I don’t care), or, better yet, share on social media.