He Hath Risen: The Cadbury Egg Salad Sandwich

hang in there, we will all be okay

Hello, fellow Magic Mike fans!

Wait. Wrong newsletter.

So, as you’d imagine, my birthday on Sunday was very quiet; we called Mom and ordered Chinese takeout for dinner and watched Paddington. It was a very cute movie to watch while getting plowed on bourbon. Paddington Bear is now my best friend.

I don’t know what’s up with that Chihuahua, though.

That’s a thousand-yard stare into oblivion. I do not want to be friends with that hound. The lack of teeth. The Hot Topic studded collar. There’s a lot going on here that needs addressing.

Tell us what you know of the abyss, goblin.

As most of you know, Easter is coming up this Sunday.

While I grew up in a household that attended church for a little while, we did not celebrate Easter very much as a holiday. No James Beard Award-winning essays about Korean-American fusion Easter ham dinners for you today. Though when I was a very small Dannis, we did do things like dye Easter eggs and do egg hunts. That shit was dope.

At this point, I have strayed so far from God’s light that I started a food newsletter. Where I often threaten to shove food up my ass. I am in bed with the devil himself.

Anyway. Easter.

I mean…the guy died. Then he miraculously became resurrected (zombied), and took an escalator into Heaven. I’m no theologian, but there’s a lot of holes in this plot.

As a natural result, drugstores and grocery stores now sell a lot of pastel-colored candy, some of it an abomination (jellybeans), and some of it sent from God directly (Cadbury eggs). But after celebrating Easter, many families will be left with a surplus of these delicious Cadbury eggs.

“Dannis,” I spoketh. “You must teach these beautiful people what to do with this bounty of unhealthy chocolate sugar bombs. What can people do with Cadbury eggs to let them not go to waste, aside from shoving them up your ass?”

As the greatest food writer in all of history, I am here to reveal: The Cadbury egg salad sandwich.

I fuckin’ love egg salad sandwiches.

They’re simple, delicious, and cheap. My favorite ones don’t involve much; I prefer mine with hardboiled eggs, mayo, minced onions, and minced celery. However, the celery I had stored in the refrigerator mysteriously froze to death. Like, I took it out, let it thaw for a second, and it turned into mush right in the palm of my hands. What a wonderful experience.

No celery today. Jesus better stay in bed.

In order to diversify this gourmet experience, I used multiple types of Easter chocolate eggs.

I picked up the classic Cadbury egg, a Cadbury caramel egg, and a Reese’s white chocolate peanut butter egg. I would have purchased more types, but my hands were full buying essentials at Walgreens.*

*This is code for me saying I had two giant cans of Monster energy drink in both hands and couldn’t hold anything else after a fruitless attempt to get hand sanitizer. But I promise, I was wearing a mask.

Cadbury eggs are truly amazing.

This is a food that is simulating the appearance of another food. Look at how that fondant recreates the true joy of an egg. We live in the future.

To simulate an egg white, here’s the Reese's white chocolate peanut butter egg.

The egg white is the healthier part of the egg, so they say. That must mean white chocolate is also a health food, so I recommend you eat it at all hours of the day.

“But Dannis,” you say, “The contents of these delightful confections are soft, unlike a hardboiled egg. How do you remedy this issue when chopping them up?”

The answer? You freeze them beforehand.

Yes, I went this far into the thought process of making a Cadbury egg salad sandwich.

Quarantine is a desolate place. But out of this desolation, comes innovation.

There is something wrong with me.

Next, squeeze on a healthy dose of mayonnaise. Go on, don’t be shy!

My brand of choice is Hellman’s mayo. Since we don’t have any more hand sanitzer at home, I’m going to refill the dispensers with Hellman’s. I will also use Hellman’s to disinfect all the common areas in our apartment building, like my neighbor’s doorknobs.

Don’t forget the onions and celery!

Wait. I ruined the celery. Easter truly is a day for contemplation and renewal. Heaven forgive me.

Mix that fuckin’ shit up, put it on some bread, and shove it in your face.

Mayonnaise. Candy. Onions. In some interpretations of ancient scripture, that’s actually what the Holy Trinity translates into.

After a bite, I did some reflection and said, “You know, this isn’t so bad.”

Chocolate and peanut butter are pretty strong flavors, and mayonnaise is just sort of food lube (and let’s be real: all-purpose lube). The crisp bite of the onion is a little jarring, and pretty acrid, but it’s a necessary component in egg salad for both contrast and flavor. I’m using these words to pretend like I’m an actual food writer. I mean, come on. I just made a chocolate, mayo, and onion sandwich. You’re reading them. Who’s the fool now?!

Davida was in the bathtub while I was “cooking.”

“Hey, babe?” I asked, through the bathroom door. “Do you want to try it?”

Her muffled response, “Unfortunately, yes, I do.”

I brought the sandwich in and handed the plate to her. She cautiously took a bite of the sandwich, handed the plate back to me, flapping her hands in disgust and said, “No! No! I don’t like this!”

In conclusion: Quarantine is going well. So’s Easter.

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Hey, I hope you’re all doing okay. If you aren’t, feel free to reach out to us. We’ve been doing a lot of video chatting, phone calls, emails, texting. It’s not like we’re going anywhere.

If you liked what you read, and think Jesus would (dis)approve, here’s the share button.

Next week’s piece is for paid subscribers, and not only is it gonna be good (I am laughing just thinking about it), Davida is writing it.

Hint: It’s how to make a crisp summer cocktail with what’s in your pantry. You’re going to miss out if you don’t subscribe for this one.

Stay safe, stay in, and I love you all.