Hello, clowns!
God, it feels good to say that again. How’ve you all been?! As you may have figured out by now, I am not writing this from beyond the grave. Though that would be a pretty cool newsletter. That would be called “Death is Stupid” and it would be me continuing to talk about shoving food up my ass, because that’s the crown I, Dannis Ree, must wear through eternity as the greatest food writer in all of history. What is yet to be determined is whether or not ghosts have buttholes. I’ll tell you when I find out.
Speaking of buttholes, my mysterious abdominal ailment hasn’t subsided yet, and it’s going to be a long while before this entire thing is sorted through. So hearing from me might be a little spotty for a bit, but just know I’m doing my best to be me again. I’ve been moping around a bunch, so spending time in the kitchen is making me feel like a human being again.
Now, one of the things that happened while I was feeling like complete crap was the birthday of Food is Stupid. In fact, August 2nd was its second birthday. That’s amazing! The fact that I have a newsletter with people still reading it two years later is a modern day miracle, and something worth celebrating. So today I’m celebrating you, my beloved clowns.
And what better way to celebrate than with dog food?
As you all know, Davida and I are the proud parents of two beautiful dogs.
We wanted to celebrate the newsletter together, and I didn’t want them to feel left out, you know? It turns out, at fancy pet stores, there’s a whole section of weird shit you can give your dogs to pamper them, so we could all join in on the fun.
This includes the two things I bought for Food is Stupid’s belated birthday party, which is red velvet cake mix, along with carob ice cream, both specially concocted for doggie bellies.
I had originally picked up these ingredients for today’s post at the end of July, and shortly after that, my insides decided to light themselves on fire. So they sat sadly in a bag while I tried to feel better.
Perhaps my body was telling me, “Don’t eat dog food.”
Perhaps…I’m a bad listener.
What’s cool about these dog treats is that you actually have to labor through making them, a fact your pet will likely be completely oblivious to.
This includes, interestingly, the doggie ice cream.
The ice cream comes in the form of stinky powder that you mix with water, which you then freeze for at least five hours.
I let the ice cream harden in the freezer while I practiced karate in the kitchen. Then I tackled the cake.
Aside from the little “Puppy Cake” logo on the front I’d probably mistake this for some Betty Crocker shit.
This cake mix isn’t something you would get from Betty Crocker, however, unless she hates you.
It’s rice flour-based, with some sugar, and it gets that interesting red color from beet powder. Apparently dogs can eat beets! If a dog eats a whole box of this stuff, I wonder if it craps out a deuce with a beautiful pinkish-brown hue.
Have I ever mentioned that this is the best food publication ever created, and that you willingly signed up to read this?
All you do is supply water, vegetable oil, and an egg, pretty much like any regular cake mix, and you whisk it all together.
Check out the resulting color in the batter.
That is actually kind of disturbing. It really was as vivid as you see in the picture, plus it did smell a lot like beets. Mmm…beet birthday cake. That’s what I’ll ask for next year, provided my stupid stomach doesn’t fall out of my ass by then.
I don’t remember the last time I baked cupcakes, or even used this cupcake pan.
It’s a relic of ancient history. Perhaps it was owned by renowned cupcake baker, Joan of Arc, or maybe aliens forged it using the heat of some distant star, and it somehow came to my possession through a whimsical series of events unbeknownst to me. Or, more likely, I bought this to make cupcakes exactly once, decades ago, and haven’t used it since.
I put the timer on for 20 minutes and baked these bad boys off at 350°F, still wondering when the fuck I bought the cupcake pan.
While the cupcakes did their thing in the oven, I mixed the icing packet with a little bit of water.
This is essentially unsweetened dehydrated yogurt. Dogs go crazy for their yogurt-frosted beet cakes, you know? After the cupcakes came out and cooled off, I frosted one, and brought the ice cream out of the freezer.
Ugh.
This “ice cream” looked like frozen diarrhea. It sort of smelled that way too. Carob is often used as a chocolate substitute, as it sort of shares some similar flavors to chocolate, and is fine for dogs, unlike the real thing. Chocolate contains stuff that you’d consider toxic to pups in large quantities, which most of you probably already know.
Here’s a cool fact I learned about carob after searching for it right now: Treehugger says, “The blooms of the carob tree might look innocuous, but this is one tree you wouldn't want to seek shade under for a picnic. Male flowers are known to produce the fairly distinct odor of semen.”
Come on. That’s a reason why I would totally sit under a carob tree. Treehugger, you don’t know me whatsoever.
I gathered Harvey, Mr. Bee, and Pepper for a little birthday singalong, after lighting a mysterious black glittery candle I found in the cupboard.
I sang “Happy Birthday” to them while they just stared at me with their beady, piercing, little eyes. They’re really judging the fact that I’m 40 and play with stuffed animals while threatening to shove various foods up my ass all day. Hey, we all have to make a living somehow. Otherwise, where would you live, Harvey, Mr. Bee, and Pepper?! Bunch of ingrates.
Davida and I dug into both the ice cream and the cupcake, and boy, I wish we hadn’t. Maybe it’s because I’m a little out of practice eating garbage, but man, that cupcake was terrible. It was mealy and grainy, and yes, it tasted like dirty beets. While I’m sure dogs don’t mind too much, tangy unsweetened reconstituted yogurt is not my idea of a good time, because it tastes like regret.
She didn’t seem to mind the cupcake so much, but she absolutely hated the carob ice cream. At first the frozen doggie dessert tasted the way a sweaty shoe smells, sour and musty, but eventually it sweetened out and tasted a little bit like a chocolate-covered raisin. I’m pitching it to Ben and Jerry. See you on my yacht!
I eventually brought the rest of the cupcakes over to my next door neighbor and asked if we could give it to her service dog, Scorpio. Because it turns out our two dogs aren’t dogs after all.
They’re cats! Why didn’t anybody tell me sooner?
Scorpio, who is a very good and handsome boy, approved of Food is Stupid’s birthday treats, and I celebrated by petting him a bunch.
Hey. A late birthday party is better than nothing, and I’m glad at least one of us enjoyed the cake.
Thank all of you for the well wishes, checking in, and being so sweet. It means everything to me. I’m not entirely back to normal, and it might be a while if at all, so posting might be a little slower than it used to be. Just know I’m doing my best.
Don’t forget to share the joy of the newsletter with your friends, family, and enemies:
And thank all of you for the continued support by subscribing to the newsletter. You make me feel so loved.
Be safe, love you all, and I’ll pop into your inboxes again as soon as I can.
hi honey!!! SOOO happy to laugh with you again. Hoping your issues resolve themselves soon since the idea of you being in any physical distress, other than that which you intentionally inflicted upon yourself, makes me very sad. Please take care of yourself and hope to see your smiling face in person one of these days. xoxoxo
We miss you buddy!