Gooey beef tallow cake

do you even cake, bro

Hey clowns!

As you all know, cooking with beef tallow is de rigueur right now, thanks to the fact that some people think that seed oils are poison all of a sudden. I believe its popularity has something to do with a guy whose brain was partially eaten by a worm at one point in his life. Anyway, he seems to be doing fine; he’s now in charge of the United States Department of Health and Human Services. Maybe that’s how I get my next promotion. I just need to consume a bunch of parasites. That’d be a cool edition of the newsletter.

(This individual also has a really weird concept of what pranks are supposed to be like, but that’s a whole different story.)

Due to this extreme interest in beef tallow lately, I also decided to see what all the fuss was about. Because the people who have been pushing this particular ingredient seem to be perfectly nice angry internet commenters and influencers who I’d trust to return my lost wallet should they find it on the street (hey, do you happen to know if there was $6 in here?), I thought I’d see if beef tallow would make for a great substitute where fat plays a key role in a particular dish.

Davida and I sat around together thinking of a food that might be absolutely sopping in grease. We both tinkered around on our phones, rifling through various recipes. She was the first one to break the silence.

“How about gooey butter cake?” she asked.

At first I wasn’t entirely sold on the idea, only because I’m not a big baker. As relaxing and enjoyable as many of you fine folks seem to find it, the slow pace of baking actually makes me irrationally angry. But then I said it out loud.

“Gooey beef tallow cake.”

Heh. Gooey beef tallow cake. That sounded terrible. If this shit was good enough for Wormbrain, maybe he had some culinary secrets I didn’t know about. I didn’t know it at the moment, but I was going to regret making this one for a very specific reason.