Last weekend, Davida and I attended a peaceful protest march in Hermosa, the neighborhood just south of us.
To be honest, we were nervous, not knowing what to expect. After seeing previous protest videos from Chicago, it was hard not to be hesitant. But in the end the march was uplifting, empowering, and insightful.
Yes, there was anger. But mostly, there was sorrow.
As a Korean-American, I feel a terrible guilt for being part of a culture that routinely contributes to Black oppression. Korean immigrants with businesses in Black communities began tension in the same neighborhoods they survived off of.
My first contributions this week were to My Block, My Hood, My City, an organization raising funds to rebuild communities destroyed by looting, and to the Brave Space Alliance, which is the first Black-led, trans-led LGBTQ Center located on the South Side of Chicago. Consider donating what you can.
Entertaining Food is Stupid ideas last week was unthinkable, so I took last week off to unwind a little.
Basically, “unwinding” means scrolling social media on my phone in bed. Then it evolves into scrolling social media while on the couch. Once my phone runs out of juice, I finally go to the office, where I scroll more social media while my phone charges. Then it’s time for bed.
But this week, though stressed out, I’ve been obsessing over a video that my friend Amy (who just had a beautiful healthy baby) shared on Facebook.
You need to watch this. Now.
This…is a ripped video from Test Recipes, since the Facebook channel that created it isn’t public.
Shh. I’m really bad at video stuff so don’t be surprised if it gets taken down or something; you can view the original one on Facebook here, but you have to be signed in.
No matter how you watch it, watch the whole thing, because what the fuck — it’s a pizza made from scratch. In a microwave. There’s no way this would actually work, right?
Also, check out their About section.
Perfect.
Since all anyone associates me with is pizza and dick jokes anymore, this is on-brand for the greatest food writer in all of history, Dannis Ree.
Plus…look at the 1:07 mark.
Humanity is doomed.
The ingredient list is very simple and not terribly surprising, considering it’s meant to be nuked in the microwave.
Flour, an egg, oil, salt, sugar, milk, baking powder and toppings — sauce, cheese, ham, and pepperoni.
Look deeply into the egg of Sauron.
This is the one terrible pizza to rule them all. You know some shit’s going down when even the egg looks ominous.
It’s not easy holding a sieve full of flour with a heavy DSLR in the other hand, pretending life is wonderful.
I don’t understand how fancy food bloggers do this. Since I haven’t been working in months, I think my ol’ pizza muscles have atrophied. Nothing a little vigorous back-and-forth motion with my wrist can’t fix.
The pizza batter (let’s face it, it isn’t dough) was much thicker than it seems to be in the video.
In the video, it’s kind of like pancake batter. This was more like a paste comprised partially of impending disappointment.
This is my favorite part of the process!
You don’t cook this pizza in a vessel.
You cook it directly on the glass microwave plate.
You cook it directly on the glass microwave plate.
You cook it directly on the glass microwave plate.
This is true anarchy.
I still can’t get over this.
Normally the inside of our microwave looks like a Jackson Pollock painting that was directly painted in the toilet, but today I’m feeling frisky and I cleaned it up. Being an adult is terrible.
The instructions say to cook the batter for four whole minutes. If I cook anything in a microwave for longer than two minutes I’m already terrified it’ll explode, so this felt risky, yet exhilarating.
The batter firmed up into a frisbee.
Not a metaphorical frisbee, but an actual frisbee. I tapped on the center and it made a hollow noise, as if you were knocking the top of my empty bulbous head.
The topping choices, while not out of the ordinary, also felt a little different.
I used some cheap canned sauce, and layered it with ham. The video appears to have originated from a different country, so I wasn’t concerned about the topping situation. Everyone’s different and that’s okay. However, it is rumored that our president favors diarrhea on his pizza.
Cheese and pepperoni were next, and that’s pretty much it for the toppings!
The recipe cryptically says 1/2 pepperoni. Was this 1/2 pepperoni? Just how much is a whole pepperoni?
Also, it said to add “Oregano, to taste.” In the video it’s clearly dried parsley, but to forgive is divine, as the great Charlie Chaplin never said.
Two more minutes in the radiation chamber.
I mean, it didn’t look terrible. It looked like a toy pizza. I am quite familiar with the taste of toys, which is how I became the award-winning food writer I am today.
“Awards mean everything,” I hissed into the void.
“You write about food, you dingus,” the void hissed back. “If food writing disappeared nobody would give a shit.”
Oh void, you silly pit of despair.
The completed pizza didn’t look awful at all.
In fact, it was actually kind of cute. It smelled like pizza and everything.
I took a bite of the finished product and I immediately frowned.
It tasted like dehydrated paper mache with sandwich ingredients on top. The more I chewed, the more the raw flour flavor developed. My eyes still said “pizza” while my mouth said, “unknown food-like object.” But I still couldn’t get over how weirdly adorable this thing was. I suppose it would be a good thing to make with your kids, if you had complete disregard for the food they eat.
Davida took a bite and said, “I like it! It’s like cake. Can I have another piece?”
As usual, share on social media if you’re feeling frisky!
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i think you completely messed up the order and way in which you mix the ingredients lmao
Lol.