Do all cat treats taste the same?
Looks like Dannis ran out of ideas again
Hello again, my beautiful dickholes!
How many other newsletters are there that affectionately greet you as a dickhole right out the gate? See. You should all feel special. Thanks for being here and letting me address you as a dickhole.
Haha. Dickholes.
At this point, as you all know, Davida and I have a pair of very beautiful cats. They make a lot of appearances in my writing. In case you’re new and need an intro, here’s some pictures:
This is Cricket.
She’s very small. Her favorite food is candy corn. She is the reason why I eat a lot of cat food.
And this is Nugget.
I will never get sick of this picture of him. His eyes. His baby chair. He has the funniest high-pitched watery meow that makes me laugh every time I hear it.
Their favorite mutual hobby is beating the shit out of each other.
Whenever Nugget walks by Cricket bites him in the ass and then things go straight to hell. It’s amazing.
The only time they truly get along is when they get, shh, don’t say the word too loud:
Treats.
We don’t spoil them very often, but the last time Davida gave them treats (even just writing the word is risking them busting through the door like the Kool-Aid Man), she rattled off the copy on the back of the package out loud.
“There’s a picnic out back and I’m invited! Chicken! Liver! Beef! Yes, please! A veritable smorgaueshborg (sic) of carnivourous (also sic) goodness, all for me! Turf and Turf…and Turf flavors! No vegetarians allowed today-this is a meatlovers feast. A triple TEMPTATIONS™ treat!”
Jesus Christ.
“Do you think that the cats really know the difference between any of these flavors?” I asked Davida.
She raised her finger, pointed at me, and her face cracked into a big grin. I nodded solemnly and knew what must be done.
So today I tried three different cat treat flavors to see if they really were different, or if our cats are just dumb.
This is the tuna-flavored cat treat.
The filled treats look kind of like shredded wheat cereal.
Right?
Except the novelty of these particular treats is that they’re filled with a soft center. So, like Combos for cats!
This is the result I got for Googling Combos.
I can’t stop staring at that guy’s face. His eyes are dead. What has he seen?
I crumbled one up to see if there really was anything inside.
There was a hint of something vaguely paste-like. I thought, “Well, Dannis. Maybe you just got a bum one. Crack open another.”
I broke another one open. And another. Yet another. I fell to my knees. The filling. It’s a lie. It’s all a lie. There’s hardly anything in there! And our cats have no idea they’re getting robbed!
Soft center my ass.
After I ate one I thought, “Wait. This tastes like chicken, not tuna.”
First ingredient?
Bullshit.
Now, I realize I’m an award-winning writer who knows everything there is to know about food and that I have a very sophisticated palate, but seriously, all you can taste is chicken.
Tuna my ass.
I narrowed my eyes and looked at the next treat, supposedly turkey-flavored.
I took a bite, got angry, and then popped another in my mouth. All I could taste was sour. More lies. No turkey.
Shit.
Well, I guess I don’t know everything then.
In a feat of defiance, I had a brilliant idea. Why not try this turkey treat with some turkey meat?
Unlike the turkey-leg-shaped cat treat, Aldi turkey deli meat is shaped like a rectangle.
I took a bite of the turkey deli meat and my eyes narrowed again.
“This turkey doesn’t taste like turkey either. The lies never end,” I whispered to myself.
I had Cricket help me with the catnip-flavored treat.
She ate one, then I ate one. My eyes narrowed yet again.
“I don’t actually know what catnip tastes like, so I can’t be angry right now,” I said to Cricket, who was happily munching away. “But my trust has been broken by this false marketing.”
I watched her carefully for a minute and chewed on the slightly grassy-tasting and grainy cat snack. If Nugget and Cricket have any real catnip they go batshit crazy. They’ll run around in circles, and meow at the walls frantically. I gave a catnip-flavored treat to Nugget too to see what would happen. Maybe they’d go all MMA on each other and turn into gladiators and shit.
Nugget began to vibrate.
Just kidding. Nothing happened except that he stared at me silently, begging for more.
“God, you cats will eat anything,” I said, as I popped another cat treat in my mouth, forgetting that just last week I deliberately tried to give myself diarrhea. “You guys are so dumb.”
Hey, everyone!
The usual: If you had fun reading this, please share it on social media and forward it to all of the relatives that you hate. Here’s the button I don’t think I’ve ever actually clicked on.
And yes, the plug: If you’re here, consider a paid subscription so I can share more food with the cats. Whether or not you know it, you’re what’s pushing me to keep being creative nearly every week.
Also, I know things are scary right now. Hang in there. Wash your hands. Take care of each other. And if you’re afraid, Cricket will make you feel better.
Aw, Cricket! ❤️❤️❤️