Do a shot, take a dump
Who says multitasking can't be fun AND productive?
Captain’s Log: Stardate, 23572938, transmitting from Galaxy Bunghole.
Greetings, earthlings!
As we all know, 2020 has been a difficult year for all of us to digest.
(I know this lurching 2020 theme is getting old, since we’re all experiencing it as a slow-motion car wreck, but I’ve got a really dumb segue. Let me live as a free spirit while I scrounge for better jokes.)
This week’s fun comes to you courtesy of a dear friend, Tania, who suggested I mix some form of alcohol with fiber. Stress drinking? Check. Infantile poo talk on a food blog? Check.
Tania’s not a big social media person, but their partner Will is a talented cook and baker and makes some very brilliant food, so check out Will’s cool Instagram account. Hi, Will!
I nodded to myself and said, “Dannis, master dump taker and drink maker, you must find a way to both get messed up and bulk up your dookies. This should be a no-brainer. Can you make a drink you can chew and grunt out the next day?”
Behold: The Double-Fiber Jello Shot.
Because I like to be an overachiever, I figured I’d tackle this thing in two ways.
First, I’d add insoluble fiber in the form of psyllium husk.
I had these ancient capsules of fiber laxative that expired in April of 2015, but since I am apparently physically immortal, it’s clear I can handle anything. Psyllium husk is amazing in that when blended with water, it turns into this big indigestible mass that helps get everything moving right there in them ol’ bowels.
If you’ve ever had to drink bulk fiber for constipation, you know that you have to slam that shit instantaneously, otherwise it turns into this undrinkable block. It’s awesome. The next day is even better.
My second approach was using soluble fiber in the form of Miralax.
I’ve done a lot of research in my time, and it’s very important you understand that not only am I the greatest food writer in all of history, I’m also the greatest dump taker in all of history. Soluble fiber dissolves in water and creates kind of a gel that draws water into your intestines, that again, gets that brown train running.
Listen, you’re the clown that subscribed to this revolting newsletter to begin with. I’m just waiting for the next round of Pulitzer prizes, because I’m going to win all of them.
I cracked the pills open with the deft fingers of Gollum scrabbling for scraps within the cracks of a long-forgotten cave beneath the Misty Mountains of Middle-Earth, as a dung-colored hue simmered in my eyes.
Little dots of ground husk rained into the glass Pyrex bowl, and I whispered to myself, “I’ll see you tomorrow, once I’ve digested you.”
Then I added a full serving of Miralax and jello powder into the bowl.
Since drinkable fiber often comes in the orange-flavored variety, I thought orange jello would be a natural decision for the jello shot. I had to respect the ingredients, just like a celebrity chef claims to honor the heritage of the local produce. It’s as if I foraged for this directly from the aisles of the Walgreens just down the street.
Namaste.
Do people still go out of their way to buy jello?
I do not remember the last time I’ve even had regular jello. I had to circle the grocery store multiple times to even find it. I deliberately didn’t ask for help, because as I mentioned, I was playing the part of a celebrity chef.
Anyway, season with hot water, to taste.
Then came the jet fuel.
Good ol’ gin. Reliable, high-proof alcohol. The $20 for the 1.75 liters of bad-decision juice. If you’re going to deal with your sorrows, you might as well drown them affordably.
A follow-up question about the jello: When’s the last time you’ve even considered making jello shots?
This is like me unearthing recipes from a dusty Escoffier tome and patting myself on my own shapely ass. Yes, the ancient chewable beverage of parties past.
Another thing I never realized. Apparently these little paper cups, are called “Bathroom Cups.” Destiny strikes again.
The shots were starting to get very grainy due to the psyllium husk and were already taking on a slight gummy consistency. I popped them in the fridge and waited for a few hours while I contemplated my next move for culinary supremacy, aka, played Xbox until my ears started ringing and drool dripped onto my ripped t-shirt.
Time to dump them down the hatch!
Davida and I gave ourselves a hearty cheers and tossed them back. The shot was barely set, but didn’t need prying to come out. I tilted it back and the entire thing fell down my throat. I didn’t even need to swallow it. This was a completely new edible (drinkable?) experience for me.
When Davida took hers, I heard a distinct plop as she swallowed it, reminiscent of what I would do the next day.
Davida’s culinary notes: “It tasted fine! Sloppy. Flubber money shot.”
Flubber money shot. Poetry at its finest.
Thanks for reading this week’s edition of the Number Two Chef, and thanks again, Tania, for the suggestion.
If you’re still here, consider a paid subscription. Only 600 (I wish I were kidding) more paid subscriptions and I’m completely independent. The more of you paying means more extra content, like terrible taste-tests and reader dares.
Venmo: @dickholedannis
And a little aside for those of you dedicated enough to scroll past the usual sponsorship requests: Today’s been a hard day. We took Cricket to the vet since she hasn’t been her usual self. She’s lost a lot of weight and isn’t eating much, though she still goes crazy for treats and wet food, which is good.
Turns out she’s got a large growth in her abdomen, but the rest of her organs seem to be unaffected. We’ve been referred to some ultrasound specialists and will find out more later, but I can’t say I’m not scared. This is new territory for me. Give her some kind thoughts and mental hugs and kisses.
She’s sitting here with me now, listening to the tapping of my keyboard as she’s done for over a decade.
Those eyes.
Sending loads of virtual hugs and treats to Cricket! 🤗
Also sending your colon THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS.
Best wishes for Cricket to feel better soon.