Depression dog Rice Krispie treats a-la The Vulgar Chef
happy national hot dog day to my favorite weiners
Good day, fart jockeys!
Today is National Hot Dog Day. Tube-steak Christmas. It’s the summer celebration you never knew you needed. On National Hot Dog Day, I always cram a few extra wieners up my ass while nobody’s watching. I’ve got a really interesting OnlyFans account.
Apparently, there’s even a Capitol Hill hot dog lunch on National Hot Dog Day, which is exactly what we need during a ravaging pandemic.
There’s more to this world than I’ll ever be capable of understanding.
Speaking of OnlyFans, today I’d ordinarily have posted our reaction to breast-milk flavored lollipops for paid-subscribers only, but it’s a Hot Dog Holiday, plus the lollipops just showed up — so that review’ll show up on Friday.
One of the other reasons why I’ve been interested in making this dish is because none of you will leave me alone about when it comes to this Vulgar Chef recipe. I’ve had at least five people point it out to me on the Internet.
Here’s the video, in case you haven’t seen it yet. What sucks is people cut out his credits, so if you see it floating around, just know that The Vulgar Chef is the true hero of the day.
“Dannis Dannis Dannis this guy made Rice Krispie treats out of hot dogs, will you please do this also. We will hassle you until you’re dead and send links to you in the miserable afterlife you’re carving out for yourself.”
As you know, I’ll do anything for attention.
Anything.
Even when I’m dead.
The Vulgar Chef does a basic Rice Krispie treat recipe, adding hot dogs, mustard, ketchup, and relish, but since I’m proud of being from Chicago, I had to do it our way.
Rather than going the full nine yards with the tomatoes and shit, I decided to make a lesser-known variety of a Chicago dog, called a depression dog. I know. Timely.
Depression dogs include simpler toppings than the garden-version: Mustard, relish, chopped onions, sport peppers, and, wait for it…french fries.
And I don’t mean french fries on the side, I mean french fries crammed on top so that every bite becomes a choking hazard. Go Chicago!
For the actual hot dog, I eschewed the natural-casing dog and used the same brand The Vulgar Chef does, Bar S.
I mean, I’m not entirely sure they’re real hot dogs, considering the main ingredient is chicken, but who’s counting? Plus there’s a child safety tip written on the front of the package, which is a big selling point for me.
I took a bite out of one of the hot dogs, straight from the package.
For the most part, it tastes and looks like a regular hot dog, except for the miniscule sandy bits of bone you encounter. It reminds of the time I chipped a molar and thought I was eating pebbles, when in fact, I was eating myself.
Jesus.
I don’t remember the last time I made Rice Krispie treats. I must have been a kid. I forgot how easy they are to make. What you do is melt some butter, then completely disregard the rest of the instructions, just remembering that there’s marshmallows and Rice Krispies involved later.
Before I added the marshmallows, I added in the hot dogs and some bone-dry dead french fries from McDonald’s.
I’d say out of all the foods, cold McDonald’s french fries are the worst food. They go straight from a modern-day delicacy to the definition of disappointment.
Then, I added the marshmallows and stirred them around until they were making that squishy noise that makes everyone uncomfortable.
You know exactly what sound I’m talking about.
Then, if you’re me, you add an arbitrary amount of cereal while not paying attention to what the original recipe says.
See, if you don’t like a recipe, you’re entitled to complain in an online review about how terrible the recipe was, and loudly proclaim that you added in hot dogs and french fries, which ruined the recipe. But it wasn’t your fault that the recipe wasn’t any good.
After a good mix, I noticed the cereal turning a weird shade of brown that I hadn’t anticipated.
I have a lot of strange memories of childhood, but not of brown Rice Krispie treats. But then again, we didn’t put hot dogs and french fries in them.
The last time I had a Rice Krispie treat as an adult was when Davida and I found a pre-made one in the middle of the street. The wrapper seemed intact, so like sensible human beings, we decided to eat it. It was completely fine. Waste not, want not!
Coincidentally, later that night, I thought I saw monsters coming out of the wall, but that’s probably unrelated.
I topped a piece with chopped onions, mustard, that weird green relish that Davida hates looking at, and a single pickled sport pepper.
Davida looked at the Rice Krispie treats and wouldn’t have anything to do with them. But, like the happy idiot I am, I took a bite and immediately thought, “Hey. If The Vulgar Chef does things like this, he would be my friend. Friends are cool to have. What is…a friend.”
If anything, it tasted way more like a depression dog than it did a Rice Krispie treat. It weirdly proved that you can put Chicago-style toppings onto anything and be transported to the hot dog stand that exists deep within your mind.
Anyway, bye.
An aside: Harvey is a champion.
I accidentally got sport pepper juice on his arm and I feel really guilty about it. He didn’t complain or anything.
Special thanks to The Vulgar Chef for my inspiration, and for you hecklers who wouldn’t leave me alone. Follow him on Twitter.
And if you liked it, click on this button to share. I forgot that this post doubles as an email, so forward this to your dad, who will disown you immediately:
The part that helps us out the most…in these uncertain times…we stand together…nothing is more important than family…now more than ever…hopefully you consider a paid subscription.
Boob juice-flavored lollipops for paid subscribers on Friday.
Venmo: @dickholedannis
And apparently, leaf blowers do a remarkable job of pushing tear gas away, so I think we should all get one of those.